I think I've learned a LOT about judging people, or...not judging people, lately. Over the last, lets say.....7 months, I've really learned what it means to not judge somebody. I had this problem, you see, of judging myself SO HARD. And its still a current problem. We are always our own worse critic, but I've been told time and time again that I am harder on myself than the average person is or should be. I always shook it off, and didn't think much of it, until more recently when my issue with myself started affecting how I treated those around me. I think in my attempt to not be hypocritical, I put others at a standard that I expected myself to be at, which....wasn't even an attainable standard anyway. But I thought that this was ok, because....I expected myself to reach and be there, so..."why shouldn't I expect others to?"
The truth is, I still don't have an answer to that. I still don't know how to articulate it. But its not right. Its not wrong, but its not right. Where is the line? How do we find the balance between pushing ourselves and others to be better people, and....criticizing their short comings? And maybe the problem is thinking it as a conscious effort to "push somebody". Maybe, just maybe, "pushing" someone is something that should happen a little more naturally than the way I've possibly approached it before.
I want people to push me. I want to be better. I want to find my potential, and I want others to help me when I'm falling short. But as I look back, the people that pushed me were not people that actively "pushed me". It was much smaller, much subtler, much more natural and loving. I want to be that way.
And....what is love? I mean, what does it mean to really love somebody? Or to feel loved? I guess I don't really have an answer to that either, and I'm still figuring it out. In all reality, I will probably be figuring it out for the rest of my life. Won't we all be? Feeling loved by somebody is a very delicate thing, because I think that people can love you, or tell you they love you, or express love to you in some way, and it is still possible to not feel loved by them. I think those situations are hard to communicate, because you can't really place a reason as to why that is, only that you know how you feel. Like....lets use parents for example. Parents tell their children that they love them all the time. But there have been times in my life where I didn't feel loved, AT ALL. Who's problem is it? Where does the lapse lie? Do the parents need to change something to help the child? Does that child need to change the way they perceive something, or....change how they feel? How does one do that? How can one just change how they feel? I don't really know if that's entirely possible. At least, not right away. Sure, over time, feeling and people can definitely change. But....can you change whether or not you feel loved by somebody? Is that your flaw? Can you change the person loving you, and how they love you and help them see where you're coming from? I mean, where do you even begin a fix like that?
I often think about what other people think of me. I know its not healthy to think about those things often, but how can you not? We have to care, at least to some degree, don't we? Any person that I have met that "doesn't care what the world things" always turns out to be a pompous idiot or an obnoxious witch. (did you see how I replaced the B with a W?) And I hate to admit it, but...I do care. I care a lot. I wish I didn't care as much as I do, but I care. I want people to like me! I want people to love me! I want people to think I'm great, and....fun....and.....smart, and pretty and talented, and.....any other positive thing. But I'm learning that I have placed way too much stock in all of those things. They don't really matter. Those people that I constantly want approval from, the people that we change ourselves for, the people that we want to impress the most? They don't matter. I matter. What I think about myself MATTERS, and it matters ALOT. I don't know why its taken me 24 years to understand this concept. How can I be smart, and fun, and inspirational, and all of these wonderful things if I don't even think that I have the potential of being those things? How can I trick other people into thinking something about me if I don't even believe it myself?
I have a lot of confidence issues. That's no secret. Anybody that knows me well will tell you that I am the most insecure, negative, least confident person they know when it comes to talking of ourselves. Blake Barlow, he could go on for days about how negative he thinks I am. And....he's right. They're right. I don't believe in myself; I don't know things about myself that other people seem to know. I've been thinking a lot as to how I got to this place--how did I manage to put myself in the bottom of the toilet bowl that way that I have? And....I figured it out. I feel really sheepish and embarrassed to be saying this out loud, but I think it will be good for me to admit it to somebody, something else instead of tossing it around in my head and talking myself out of believing it. I know how I got here, and now....I don't know how to get out. I'll figure it out, I'm sure. But....I was trying to be humble. How silly. From a very young age, I didn't know how to accept a compliment, or receive praise (not that it came a lot, but when it did). I would just....freeze. I didn't know "thank-you" was an acceptable response, and I thought that by saying "thank-you", you were admitting to your awesomeness, thus making you look cocky. And its so sad, because....where would that behavior have come from? My parents? Of course not. The only thing I could think of was so I could get approval from friends. Who was I to be good or better at something than my friends? And I don't mean to say that I was some little superstar. I just....couldn't say thank-you, and wanted to appear humble. So I talked myself down. ALOT. ALOOOOOTT. And....its become a habit. A debilitating habit, that I wish never happened. But, it did. And I have a tough road ahead to break a lifetime of habit. My negativity and insecurity has become a habit. But I'm learning that habits can be broken, and soon enough, mine will crack.
I don't confess this for your sake, but for mine. This has been really good for me. As I read it, I realize how silly it is, and I realize that it is nobody's fault by my own. But....it is what it is. I have confidence issues, because I was afraid of appearing cocky when I was younger. I wanted...approval. See what happens when we care too much about what other people think? I have spent years destroying myself subconsciously because I cared too much. I still care.
I'm not going to make a promise. I'm not going to "screw the world" and suddenly not care. It just doesn't work like that. But I will try harder. For my own sake. I deserve to be happy with who I am. You deserve to be happy with who you are. We deserve to love ourselves--don't we?
High fives, lady. This is a great post.
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