I'm nervous to post this. I'm nervous because its not something I would openly share with everybody. I feel vulnerable.
But....
All I want to do is be a mom.
I've always wanted it, but...I just can't shake it the last week or so. I don't know why its the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I sleep. And I don't think it is entirely my own doing. It won't leave me, and I'm not sure I ever want it to.
I can't think about anything else. I'm not baby hungry, I'm not getting married. In fact, I'm not even close to any of these things. But...I want to be a mom.
I want to have a child. I want to have children. I want to be a mom. I want my schedule and my life of luxury to be inconvenienced so I can take care of a little mini-me. I want to be tired all of the time because they never sleeps, and I want to put them down for naps. I want to take pictures of them and make scrapbooks of them. I want them to crawl into bed with me in the mornings to cuddle. I want them to keep me up all night because their stomach hurts. I want to teach them to read, and write, and to be creative. I want to make up stories with them, and share them with their father. I want to build forts and be captured by pirates. I want to spend all my money on gas because I'm taking them to ballet and soccer and karate. I want my house to be a mess, because it means that my family lives there and loves their lives. I want to find cheerios all over my bags, because they spilled during Sacrament meeting. I want to scare the monsters away when they can't sleep. I want to scratch their backs when they feel sad or sick. I want to hang hand-drawn pictures on my refrigerator to remind me how much I love them while they are gone at school. I want to take them to Disneyland. I want to teach them to swim. I want to worry about them while I'm out with my husband because I think the babysitter is incompetent. I want to make treats for their soccer games. I want to ground them when they deserve it. I want to worry about them as they play night-games. I want to worry about them when they go on their first date, and when they are late for curfew because they want to spend more time with their crush. I want to hold them when they cry, and when their heart gets broken. I want to teach them to Gospel of Jesus Christ. I want to teach them to save their money. I want to write them letters when they serve a mission. I want to send them off to college, and watch them fly. I want to disapprove of their chosen spouse because nobody will be good enough for my baby, and then I want to be put in my place and love their new spouse. I want want to have grandchildren. I want to have grey hair, and wrinkles from laughing so much. I want to be surrounded by them as I grow old, and I want them to tell me they love me and that I did the best that I could before I die.
And that's what I want.
That's all that I want.
I get distracted sometimes from this goal, I get confused or a little clouded in the head, but this is what I want. This is what I want most, and I am finally able to admit it.
I want this.
I want to be a mom.
I want to be a mom.
I want this the most.
I love this Kelly. I feel really similarly right now. This went right to my heart. Love you.
ReplyDeleteWould you please stop being my girl crush? I can't handle it. Kelly, you sweet thing. You just made me cry. I really needed to read this. zoë got up three times last night and I'm so tired this morning. I woke up thinking, "I wish I could get more sleep so that I can workout more and lose my baby weight and I wish I could afford a house keeper..."
ReplyDeleteAnd then I read this post. And you are so cute. And then I thought about Peter coming into my room this morning while Zoë lay next to me. He climbed up into our bed and said to his sister, "I love you! I love you! Iss morning time!" He's so cute I can't handle it sometimes.
And so are you. And I want this for you. And I miss you and adore you. And thank you.
It is so hard. So the fact that you want it so much will be so wonderful for your future little ones.
ReplyDeletei found your blog through molly's. what a beautiful post! in a small way i know how you feel. thank you for sharing your soul. i pray you will one day be blessed with what you want most.
ReplyDeletecame over from molly's blog. loved this post and the appreciation you give the noble place of motherhood. As a mother who has lost a child and knows longing, I tell you what I always tell myself ... someday ... not today but someday ... and it will be all the more wonderful for all my longing when it does happen.
ReplyDeletelove,
stephanie
www.adailyscoop.blogspot.com
Yes. Yes yes yes. I want it more than anything else and it's SO HARD to wait. To keep waiting. And hoping. All I ask from God right now is one fat healthy baby. Just one.
ReplyDeleteNote to self - do not use phone when blog commenting! This is reply #3. Oy.
ReplyDeleteThe desire to be a mother is a very righteous and selfless desire. Especially at your age, when most people are driven by their natural, selfish tendencies, it's so admirable that this is what you want more than anything else.
But I'm sure that you already know by now that the Lord's timetable is so not our timetable. Hold onto this desire with both hands, because you are having great successes in the industry in Utah's small community, and if you continue to have those successes, you will soon discover that the industry (especially outside of Utah) will become less and less family-friendly and even less mommy-friendly.
This post demonstrates that you will be an exceptional mother. The children set aside to be yours are going to be very blessed to be loved by you. Be patient. Don't let the waiting poison your soul or taint the beautiful spirit and perspective that you have. I am so excited to see what a perfect mother you will be. (let's be honest, no mother is perfect, but this post shows you will definitely be dang close). What a sweet tribute to motherhood.
P.S. Save this post for forever. Someday, when these desires are fulfilled and you're having a no-so-great day with your kids, (as I am today), this will be a wonderful reminder. :)
You don't know me from Adam...but I found your blog on Molly's blog. I have tears in my eyes right now so it is hard to type. So, I can relate a bit but not completely as we can't ever completely understand someones hopes and dreams because they only belong to that one person. I got married late (by Utah standards that is) and then....no children. Years went by and still no children. My husband waited patiently for me to say "do you think we should adopt?" So adopt we did. I was almost 31 when our only childe, our son came into our lives. I felt like I had won the lottery for sure. But all those years of waiting were so hard. My son finally got married, again late by Utah standards (why do we have those anyway?) and became a father 2 years ago at age 27. I finally, finally became a grandmother at age 58!! All that waiting (again). I wondered at times why the Lord had me wait for things that would have meant so much to me....I'm sure there were lessons I needed to learn, ways I needed to grow, and challenges I needed to endure. My sweet husband of 34 years passed away just a year and a half before my darling grandchild was born. I think the lesson for me might have been to learn to be patient, learn not to take things for granted, remember how hard it is to wait, be patient, don't take things for granted, love the moment, love unconditionally, love forever. My heart is sad for you because I know how hard it is to wait for something I wanted so much. Don't let go of your hopes and dreams and remember always that the Lord is mindful of you. Whatever His plan is for you, it is the perfect plan and things will work out just exactly how they are supposed to. I hope you don't mind these few words of wisdom from an old person with grey hair and wrinkles from laughing so much.
ReplyDeleteKelly, hang in there, the fairy tale does come in the Lord's time & way (so much better when we leave things up to Him). You know some of my story and maybe someday you'll know more but trust me, the wait (as hard as it is) is so worth it! Who knows why you have these feelings now but someday you'll be grateful you recorded them on the days when being single and childless might sound oh, so good. Just remember, the grass is always greener on the other side of the hill...and both sides need plenty of manure to look so lush. Enjoy what you have now and live so that when you are living on the other side of the hill, you have no regrets. :) You're amazing and wonderful, don't ever let ANYONE tell you otherwise.
ReplyDelete