Neat Article

My dear friend Laura Graham emailed me this article, and I thought I would share it. I wish I had time to write all my thoughts about it, but I don't. So here it is, and feel free to formulate your own

Your Core Gifts:The Powerful, Unexpected Path To Love

Published on September 24, 2011 by Ken Page, L.C.S.W. in Finding Love

In my decades of practice as a psychotherapist, this is the insight that has inspired me most:
Our deepest wounds surround our greatest gifts.
I've found that the very qualities we're most ashamed of, the ones we keep trying to reshape or hide, are in fact the key to finding real love. I call them core gifts.
It's so easy to get lost in the quest for self-improvement. Every billboard seduces us with the vision of a happier, more successful life. I'm suggesting an opposite road to happiness. If we can name our own awkward, ardent gifts, and extricate them from the shame and wounds that keep them buried, we'll find ourselves on a bullet train to deep, surprising, life-changing intimacy.
Over the years, I realized that the characteristics of my clients which I found most inspiring, most essentiallythem, were the ones which frequently caused them the most suffering.

Some clients would complain of feeling like they were "too much"; too intense, too angry, or too demanding. From my therapist's chair, I would see a passion so powerful that it frightened people away.
Other clients said they felt that they felt like they were "not enough"; too weak, too quiet, too ineffective. I would find a quality of humility and grace in them which would not let them assert themselves as others did.
Clients would describe lives devastated by codependency, and I would see an immense generosity with no healthy limits.
Again and again, where my clients saw their greatest wounds, I also saw their most defining gifts!
Cervantes said that reading a translation is like viewing a tapestry from the back. That's what it's like when we try to understand our deepest struggles without honoring the gifts that fuel them.
When we understand our lives through the lens of our gifts it's as if we step out from behind the tapestry and really see it for the first time. All of a sudden, things make sense. We see the real picture, the moving, human story of what matters most to us. We begin to understand that our biggest mistakes, our most self-sabotaging behaviors were simply convulsive, unskilled attempts to express the deepest parts of ourselves.
Susan came to therapy after her boyfriend of two years left her. She had put the whole of her heart and all her energies into her relationship, and when it ended, she felt utterly destroyed. "Why can't I let go and move on like he did, or as my friends tell me I should?" she asked me on her first visit.
As she described her relationship history, I saw a consistent quality of kindness in her; a soft-heartedness which people kept taking advantage of. Susan appreciated these qualities in herself, but she also felt like they were a curse. (That very ambivalence is one of the main indicators of a core gift.) I sensed that a key to her healing lay precisely there. Again and again, we worked at helping her reframe her sensitivity not as a weakness, but as a gift that she-as well as her former partners-didn't know how to honor.
It sounds simple, but seeing these qualities as a gift was the foundation of new dating life for her. By seeing their worth, she could learn to understand, honor, and even treasure them.
When Susan looked at her life through the lens of her gift, she felt triumphant. "I was right all along!" she said. "Those things that bothered me about my boyfriends bothered me for a reason. I wasn't crazy. I just didn't honor my gift and I found men who were all too happy to agree with me."
I've named the approach I used with Susan "Gift Theory." The easiest way to explain Gift Theory is by starting with the image of a target. Every ring inward toward the center moves us closer to our most authentic self. In the center of the target, where the bull's-eye is, lie our core gifts.
Core gifts are not the same as talents or skills. In fact, until we understand them, they often feel like shameful weaknesses, or as parts of ourselves too vulnerable to expose. Yet they are where our soul lives. They are like the bone marrow of our psyche, generating a living stream of impulses toward intimacy and authentic self-expression. But gifts aren't hall-passes to happiness. They get us into trouble again and again. We become most defensive-or most naïve-around them. They challenge us and the people we care about. They ask more of us than we want to give. And we can be devastated when we feel them betrayed or rejected.
Since the heat of our core is so hard to handle, we protect ourselves by moving further out from the center. Each ring outward represents a more airbrushed version of ourselves. Each makes us feel safer, puts us at less risk of embarrassment, failure, and rejection. Yet, each ring outward also moves us one step further from our soul, our authenticity, and our sense of meaning. As we get further away from our core gifts, we feel more and more isolated. When we get too far, we experience a terrible sense of emptiness.
So, most of us set up shop at a point where we are close enough to be warmed by our gifts, but far enough away that we do not get burned by their fire. We create safer versions of ourselves to enable us to get through our lives without having to face the existential risk of our core.
The Gift Theory model invites us to discover what our core gifts are (most of us don't really know), to extricate these gifts from the wounds that keep them buried, and to express them with bravery, generosity, anddiscrimination in our dating life. When we do this, we find healthy love moving closer.
If you're looking for love, try to discover your own gifts. They shine in your joys and strengths, but they also live-and hide-right in the heart of your greatest insecurities and heartbreaks. If you learn to lead with them in your dating life, you will find-almost without trying-- that you're experiencing mutual attractions with people who love and treasure the very gifts you're discovering. 
In future blogs, we'll explore in much greater detail how to discover your own core gifts. In the meantime, I invite you to take two or three minutes to reflect on the following question:
Are there essential qualities in you which have sometimes felt more like a curse than a gift? Perhaps you haven't known how to handle them, or maybe you've had the painful experience of other people misunderstanding or taking advantage of them. Take a minute to begin to put words on these qualities. As you name them, you'll learn to honor them, and you'll come to understand your struggles, your intimacy journey and your life story in a new way.

Secret to Success: I don't know.

Well, I must say that I really love school.

I do. I am graduating college in about a month, and my semester couldn't be better. I am taking ten credits, and as far as I know, I am doing well and right on track to graduate. My whole college career I have been worried that my last semester would be very difficult and stressful as I try to wrap up the 6 years I have spent here at BYU. But...its not. Don't get me wrong, its very difficult, but I enjoy the level of difficulty, and find myself excited to succeed and work hard. I have a *swear word* alot of memorization this semester, and assignments like these (see below), that need to be memorized within a few days...(and this only shows 2 of the 3 pages)

...but I find it a thrill and a challenge to be successful. Sure. Sometimes I fail. But...failure is alright in my classes.

Its really difficult to feel confident in my major, ALL THE TIME. Because I'm not. I doubt my major all the time: "an actor? who am I kidding", or "how could I possibly succeed in that? What do I have to offer?" or "How will I get to where I want to be?". And I've come to the conclusion, which is: you just do it. If you want it, go get it. Work hard. Be kind. Do what it takes to get what you want. Easier said than done, but...why not? Why shouldn't you, or I, get what I want?

Anyway,

Sleep for the soul

Today has been a beautiful day so far. It really pays to take care of your body and make sure that you get the sleep that you need each night.

Last night (and all day yesterday, for that matter). I was exhausted. I don't mean tired, I mean EXHAUSTED--to the point of disfunction. I dragged myself around all morning at BYU doing makeup for Little Eyolf, and then I dragged myself around all afternoon at work. No makeup, messy hair, glasses, sweats. That's the best that I could manage yesterday. I can't really tell you why I was so tired, because my life has lightened up considerably. But by the end of the day, my feet were achey, my body hurt, andI couldn't even handle wearing a bra (sorry Hootie, if you read this). I knew that if I stayed in bed after work, I would fall asleep, and then never sleep the rest of the night. SO! I toughened up, went out with my roommate, and made sure I was home by 11.

Why am I writing all of this? I don't know. But I DO know that my body asked for more sleep, and so last night, I made sure I gave it enough sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling great. Church is at 9:30, which has been really hard for me while I was doing "The 39 Steps"--I would fall asleep in Sacrament, I would leave before Relief Society because I couldn't stay awake, and being at church was like pulling my teeth. But today was wonderful--I was awake, refreshed, attentive, and I felt so peaceful and happy being there. I learned so much, and not once did it cross my mind to leave early. Its a beautiful day, its 2pm, and I am sitting in bed with the blinds open, contemplating the things of my life and smiling.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you all that.

feelings

It is 10:30 on a Saturday Morning, and I have a lot of feelings right now. Things I am thinking about:

• I wish I was in my bed
• When I woke up this morning, by bed looked so perfect, like I had had a perfect night's sleep.
• I WISH I had had a perfect night's sleep
• I really don't like when people flake out
• I wish I could sleep all day
• I feel bad for bailing on my roommates this weekend, but feel good for what I'm doing instead.
• I love the dog that I get to put makeup on each day.
• My boyfriends birthday is next week, and I won't be able to spend the evening with him because of school.
• I'm not a very good girlfriend.
• I just want to eat Zupas, and watch Desperate Housewives
• I love Planet Fitness
• I'm really grateful for Xandra, and taking me to lunch for my birthday. 
• Thai food is sooooo good.
• I am really struggling to analyze the Chekhov play I am researching right now.
• My Major is a real major
• I love the Temple
• I graduate in about 50 days. THEN WHAT!
• I have spirit gum on my hands.
• I did not shower today.
• Tomorrow, I am going to take a beautiful nap. That's right, beautiful.
• I am slowly finding myself again.
• I guess I don't have as many feelings as I thought I did.

I want to blog, but feel all blogged out. I just can't think of anything to write about. I'm just....tired. I'm tired, tired tired. I think my washing machine is broken, so you better believe that I am going to take my laundry to work and do it there. Don't doubt it. It's going to happen. 

The Success Of Other People Does Not Equal Your Failure

So I read this blog today, and I can't help but re-post. I am definitely guilty of this, and I with that it wasn't true, but it is. Give it a read. I think you'll relate. And if you would like to read more of her stuff, you can go HERE.

The success of other people does not equal your failure

MARCH 20, 2010 BY STEPHANIE 35 COMMENTS

I want to say something – something important.

The success of other people does not equal your failure.

Think about the last time that someone you knew – a friend, family member, or acquaintance – did something amazing. Perhaps she published a novel or he was interviewed on CNN or she struck gold with an awesome business idea. Or maybe he wrote a blog post that garnered hundreds of comments…in one hour. Or she was invited to a Microsoft or Disney or Nikon event.

Did you immediately celebrate for your friend – in your heart and in your actions? Or was there a sinking feeling inside of you, a little voice that said, “Not you. Not you. It could have been you, but it’s not you.“

I think it’s human nature to feel secretly distressed by other people’s success, because – by george, you could have won that prize or been featured in the Times or come up with that business plan or baked that cake that awed everyone at the party. It could have been you! {But it wasn’t}.

So, you feel a little bit smaller, a little bit defeated and deflated.

But I want to tell you to stomp on that voice, to hit the mute button. Because there is room. Plenty of room.

There is room for your creativity, your ideas, your writing, and your success. I know it feels like the party is crowded, that you’re being pushed to the back of the room (“standing room only”) or out of the door, with a martini and a hors d’oeurve in your hand, shuffling your feet nervously. But that isn’t true.

So please don’t hesitate to celebrate your friend. GO now. Buy her book. Tell everyone you know to watch him on TV. Share an idea to help her business become even more successful. Comment on his blog post. Buy her a souvenir for that super-awesome, invitation-only event. Yes.

Don’t let that record play. The one that beats down at your soul and points fingers at your ambition and sings in a jeering tune, “Not YOU! You could have done it. But it’s not you!“

Instead, turn on the symphony – the beautiful, inspiring one that says, “There’s room. There’s room enough for everyone.”

And when your friends make it, when they’re up there among the stars – celebrate them…clap…scream your lungs out…cheer…give them more ideas  - so that they can shine even brighter.

And I’ll let you in on a little secret. As you give more, you’ll start shining brighter too

Backstage of "The 39 Steps"

From the month's of November-February, I was fortunate enough to be involved in the play "The 39 Steps" at the Hale Center Theater in Orem. This is by far one of the funnest plays I've done, and am so sad its over. The whole cast and crew were so wonderful to work with, and now that its been over for a week, I miss them and wonder when we will have a little reunion. If you were lucky enough to see this play, then I think you will enjoy this video a little bit more. This video is full of clippings from a video camera that we took around backstage during the show to video the quick changes and the madness that happens in order to create the show onstage. ENJOY!

****DING DING DING! BUCKET LIST SUCCESS****

Well everybody, I did it--another item off the list. I actually have a few items I've already accomplished on my Bucket List, but I just haven't gotten around to documenting them. Here it is:

item number 61: own my own sewing machine

Wahoo! I got a sewing machine for Christmas, and I couldn't have been more excited. I didn't ask for it, and so it was a complete surprise. My dad got it for me, and I couldn't be happier. I know my face doesn't look surprised, but....I was. This face is: surprised, excited, shocked, and tired.

Ta da! And here it is!!

I've already made a few things with it, some of which I'll post later. But I've altered dresses, hemmed pants and skirts, made a throw pillow case....I just love it, and I feel so happy when I learn to make new things. Next up--bucket list #1, make a quilt! (someday!)

Step 1

I have a pit in my stomach and a hole in my heart, and I want it to change.

Step 1:

I am about to embark on a journey. I think it will be difficult. But, I am ready to do it. I think.

Sometimes I'm not sure.

But courage is simply trying. So I will be courageous, as courageous as I can be through this journey, and let you in on some of my thoughts (as I deem appropriate) as I go along.

To start, I read this talk by Robert D. Hales, an apostle in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

We all have to start somewhere, I suppose. Click HERE to read it, if you like. Or read below:

I am grateful for the testimony of our prophet, President Gordon B. Hinckley. On behalf of all members throughout the world, I expressgratitude that he chose to follow the inspiration of the Lord and asked us to read the Book of Mormon. We have been abundantly blessed by his inspired counsel.

Father Lehi, the first prophet recorded in the Book of Mormon, also chose to follow the Lord. He was instructed to “take his family and depart into the wilderness.” ¹ Despite harsh traveling conditions and the murmuring of his sons Laman and Lemuel, Lehi led his family to a land of promise. But it was not a place of peace. As Laman and Lemuel used their agencyto disobey the Lord, Lehi’s “heart [was] weighed down with sorrow [for them].” ² Before his death, Lehi gathered his children around him, blessed them, and counseled them. ³ To his rebellious sons he urged repentance and faithfulness: “Awake, my sons. … Shake off the chains with which ye are bound.” ⁴ And to his righteous son Jacob he taught one final, very important lesson.

If we could leave one lesson of greatest importance for our children and grandchildren, what would it be? Of all the glorious principles of the gospel, Lehi chose to teach his son about the plan of salvation—and the gift of agency.

He taught that “men are instructed sufficiently that they know good from evil.” ⁵ This sacred instruction began in the heavens. There, in a Grand Council, our Heavenly Father would continue the gift of agency to prove us here in mortality, “to see if [we] will do all things whatsoever the Lord [our] God shall command.” ⁶

But Satan opposed God and His plan, saying: “I will redeem all mankind, … wherefore give me thine honor.” ⁷ “Wherefore, because … Satan rebelled against me, and sought to destroy the agency of man, which I, the Lord God, had given him, … I caused that he should be cast down.” ⁸“And, at that day, many followed after him.” ⁹ Indeed, “a third part of the hosts of heaven” ¹⁰ used their agency to reject God’s plan.

You and I were among those who used their agency to accept Heavenly Father’s plan to come to earth, to have a mortal life, to progress. “We shouted for joy … to have the opportunity of coming to the earth to receive bodies [for we knew] that we might become, through faithfulness, like unto our Father, God.” ¹¹

Now we are here on earth, where opportunities to use our agency abound; for here “there is an opposition in all things.” ¹² This opposition is essential to the purpose of our lives. As Lehi explained, “To bring about his eternal purposes in the end of man, … the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other.” ¹³

Adam and Eve were the first of God’s children to experience these enticements. Having sought the misery of all mankind, Satan, “the father of all lies,” ¹⁴ tempted Adam and Eve. Because they chose to partake of the “forbidden fruit they were driven out of the garden of Eden, to till the earth.” ¹⁵ Because of that choice, they also “brought forth children; … even the family of all the earth,” ¹⁶ and this earthly state “became a state of probation” ¹⁷ for them and for their posterity. For “behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things,” Lehi told Jacob. “Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.” ¹⁸

Sometimes we forget that our Heavenly Father desires that each of us have this joy. Only by yielding to temptation and sin can we be kept from that joy. And yielding is exactly what Satan wants us to do.

I once had an opportunity to accompany President Spencer W. Kimball to a distant land. We were given a tour of the various sites in the area, including underground catacombs—burial grounds for people who had been persecuted by Christian zealots. As we came up the dark, narrow stairs of that place, President Kimball taught me an unforgettable lesson. He pulled my coattail and said, “It has always troubled me what the adversary does using the name of our Savior.” He then said, “Robert, the adversary can never have joy unless you and I sin.”

As I contemplated this comment and studied the scriptures, I began to understand what President Kimball may have meant. I recalled the word of the Lord to all the inhabitants of the earth as recorded in the Book of Mormon: “Wo, wo, wo unto this people; wo unto the inhabitants of the whole earth except they shall repent; for the devil laugheth, and his angels rejoice, because of the slain of the fair sons and daughters of my people.” ¹⁹ It is our sins that make the devil laugh, our sorrow that brings him counterfeit joy.

Although the devil laughs, his power is limited. Some may remember the old adage: “The devil made me do it.” Today I want to convey, in absolutely certain terms, that the adversary cannot make us do anything. He does lie at our door, as the scriptures say, and he follows us each day.²⁰ Every time we go out, every decision we make, we are either choosing to move in his direction or in the direction of our Savior. But the adversary must depart if we tell him to depart. He cannot influence us unless we allow him to do so, and he knows that! The only time he can affect our minds and bodies—our very spirits—is when we allow him to do so. In other words, we do not have to succumb to his enticements!

We have been given agency, we have been given the blessings of the priesthood, and we have been given the Light of Christ and the Holy Ghost for a reason. That reason is our growth and happiness in this world and eternal life in the world to come. Today I ask, have we received that Spirit? Are we following on the strait and narrow path that leads to God and eternal life? Are we holding onto the iron rod, or are we going another way? I testify that how we choose to feel and think and act every day is the way we get on the path, and stay on it, until we reach our eternal destination.

Now, none of us are on the narrow path all of the time. All of us make mistakes. That is why Lehi, who understood the Savior’s role in preserving and reclaiming our agency, taught Jacob—and us: “The Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon.” ²¹ That is the key—“to act for themselves and not to be acted upon.”

In these latter days, as in the times of old, we must avoid being acted upon by acting for ourselves to avoid evil. The Holy Ghost will prompt us. Joseph was told to flee from Potiphar’s wife. Abraham obeyed the commandment to flee out of the land of Ur. Lehi was instructed to flee Jerusalem before it was destroyed. And to protect the Savior’s life, Mary and Joseph were prompted to flee into Egypt.

The promptings that come to us to flee evil reflect our Heavenly Father’s understanding of our particular strengths and weaknesses and His awareness of the unforeseen circumstances of our lives. When these promptings come, they will not generally stop us in our tracks, for the Spirit of God does not speak with a voice of thunder. The voice will be as soft as a whisper, coming as a thought to our minds or a feeling in our hearts. By heeding its gentle promptings, we will be protected from the destructive consequences of sin.

But if we ignore those promptings, the light of the Spirit will fade. Ouragency will be limited or lost, and we will lose the confidence and ability to act. We will be “walking in [spiritual] darkness at noon-day.” ²² Then how easy it is to wander into strange paths and become lost! How quickly we are bound in the chains of sin spoken of by Lehi to his rebellious sons.²³ For example, if we make choices that put us deeply in debt, we will lose our agency to meet our wants and needs or to save for that inevitable rainy day. If we choose to break the law, we may be put in prison, where our agency is so limited that we cannot choose where we go, who we see, or what we do. Spirit prison is very much like that. Therefore, to retain our agency we must daily walk in the light of our Lord and Savior and follow the path of obedience. It is the only path that leads to our Father in Heaven.

If, through our unrighteous choices, we have lost our footing on that path, we must remember the agency we were given, agency we may choose to exercise again. I speak especially to those overcome by the thick darkness of addiction. If you have fallen into destructive, addictive behaviors, you may feel that you are spiritually in a black hole. As with the real black holes in space, it may seem all but impossible for light to penetrate to where you are. How do you escape? I testify the only way is through the very agency you exercised so valiantly in your premortal life, the agency that the adversary cannot take away without your yielding it to him.

How do you reclaim that agency? How do you begin again to exercise it in the right way? You choose to act in faith and obedience. May I suggest a few basic choices that you can begin to make now—this very day.

Choose to accept—truly accept—that you are a child of God, that He loves you, and that He has the power to help you.

Choose to put everything—literally everything—on the altar before Him. Believing that you are His child, decide that your life belongs to Him and that you will use your agency to do His will. You may do this multiple times in your life, but never, never give up.

Choose to put yourself in a position to have experiences with the Spirit of God through prayer, in scripture study, at Church meetings, in your home, and through wholesome interactions with others. When you feel the influence of the Spirit, you are beginning to be cleansed and strengthened. The light is being turned on, and where that light shines, the darkness of evil cannot remain.

Choose to obey and keep your covenants, beginning with your baptismal covenant. Renew these covenants weekly by worthily partaking of the sacrament.

Choose to prepare to worthily attend the temple, make and renew sacred covenants, and receive all of the saving ordinances and blessings of the gospel.

Finally, and most importantly, choose to believe in the Atonement ofJesus Christ. Accept the Savior’s forgiveness, and then forgive yourself. Because of His sacrifice for you, He has the power to “remember [your sins] no more.” ²⁴ You must do likewise.

After you are on the path and are “free to choose” again, choose to reject feelings of shame for sins you have already repented of, refuse to be discouraged about the past, and rejoice in hope for the future. Remember, it is Satan who desires that we be “miserable like unto himself.” ²⁵ Let your desires be stronger than his. Be happy and confident about your life and about the opportunities and blessings that await you here and throughout eternity.

Finally, remember our agency is not only for us. We have the responsibility to use it in behalf of others, to lift and strengthen others in their trials and tribulations. Some of our brothers and sisters have lost the full use of their agency through unrighteous choices. Without exposing ourselves to temptation, we can and should invite others to receive the light of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Through friendship and love, we may lead them along the path of obedience and encourage them to use theiragency to make the right choices once again.

As Father Lehi testified to his family of the blessings of agency, I also desire to testify to you, my beloved brothers and sisters throughout the world and to my family. Agency was manifested in the Council in Heaven as we chose to follow our Heavenly Father’s plan and come to mortality for this probationary period. Agency allows us to be tested and tried to see whether or not we will endure to the end and return to our Heavenly Father with honor. Agency is the catalyst that leads us to express our inward spiritual desires in outward Christlike behavior. Agency permits us to make faithful, obedient choices that strengthen us so that we can lift and strengthen others. Agency used righteously allows light to dispel the darkness and enables us to live with joy and happiness in the present, look with faith to the future, even into the eternities, and not dwell on the things of the past. Our use of agency determines who we are and what we will be.

To all who desire to enjoy the supernal blessings of agency, I testify thatagency is strengthened by our faith and obedience. Agency leads us to act: to seek that we may find, to ask that we may receive guidance from the Spirit, to knock on that door that leads to spiritual light and ultimately salvation. I bear special witness that our Savior Jesus Christ is the source of that light, even the Light and Life of the World. As we use our agencyto follow Him, His light will grow within us brighter and brighter until that perfect day ²⁶ when we are welcomed into the presence of our Father in Heaven for all eternity. That we will use our agency to that sacred and glorious end, I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.