scary world

It's two in the morning. I'm in my phone, and Clint is snoring loudly next to me. Sound asleep. (Disclaimer---he has a cold and took some Nyquil, so the snores are a little bit "extra", as the cool kids call it. 

I've done my usual routine-reading and prayers with Clint, turning the lights, and laying there listening to his breaths get heavier and deeper as mine stay the same and my mind starts running through all of the things I'm involved with right now and all of the things I have to do tomorrow. I did my relaxation exercises and my meditation exercises. I've read some, I've made my to do list, I've expressed gratitude for my blessings, I've spent time on Pinterest (because looking at your phone is inevitable), and I just feel so overwhelmed.

I was scrolling through Facebook, and saw a really cute article about the way a wife told her husband that she was pregnant and he was going to be a daddy. (Second disclaimer: I'm not pregnant, nor are we trying yet. That part of our lives is also none of your business, but i figured I'd just clear the air anyway). The way this woman told her husband was so cute, and as I listened to Clint snore, I became so overwhelmed with emotion and excitement about how great of a dad he'll be, and how giddy and excited he'll be when I do tell him we are pregnant, whenever that is. You guys-my husband truly is the best person for me, and also my favorite person. I consider myself pretty lucky.

And as I'm soaking in all these emotions, the next article was about Puerto Rico and the aftermath of the hurricanes that barreled through, followed by some very strong opinions about our current administration and the way things are being handled. That article was then followed by an article about the rising epidemic of "sextortion" amongst teens in Utah. If you don't know what it is, it's basically the manipulation of young teens (or anybody) through social media to blackmail, gain money, or receive sexual favors. The article discussed how sending nude selfies can magnify the problem, and one teen was quoted: "everybody sends nude selfies. That's normal. That's just this my generation does." It then went through and listed a large amount of examples of sextorion that are currently being investigated by law enforcement, and my head started pounding. I immediately thought back to the joy and excitement of telling Clint he was going to be a daddy, and the joy we would have bringing children into this world and raising a family together, and suddenly I was overcome with so much fear. You guys: I'm barely surviving in the world we live in---how can I bring tiny little spirits to this beautiful and horrible place? How will I teach them well enough to make the choices that will get them through? How can I protect and nurture while letting them grow and learn from their mistakes? How is it possible that I will be the one responsible for their education and moral compass?

What if I can't do it well enough? What if I bring these beautiful little souls, and fail them? I'm a huge believer of agency, in letting people exercise their right to choose (adults that is....teens need a little extra guidance) but......I don't think I'm equipped to survive their growth and necessary learning steps. I don't know if I can bear to watch all of the horrible events and heartache that awaits them. If my kid was riding his bike and began to fall,  my mind would say "let him fall--he's got to learn how much risk he can take and how to support himself ", but my heart would yell "just reach out and catch him--you can spare him the pain!"

But the problem with this mentality, is that if I spare them the pain, then I spare them the growth and the lesson learned. And that's the whole point, isn't it? To learn? To grow? Of course it is, but that thought alone doesn't slow my breath down or make me feel like my kids will be able to handle this world. They've been saved and made for this. 

 And as I lay here in total fear of my future children and the challenges they will face from day 1, I listen to the loud snoring of my sweet husband and feel the tiniest  bit of calm because he's a champion among men, and if I'm gonna get through this crazy world, I'm glad it's with him.