Pertaining to spiritual thoughts.

Its almost strange to me how I can sit down and write what I'm thinking. I haven't been able to do that in a very long time, and even though its on the internet and people see it (I don't really mind, there's nothing deep or personal or confessional here), I would like these thoughts to be in an actual journal. That just takes a long time. 

I've been thinking all day about what I was writing last night, about loving ourselves and loving myself. And I remembered something:  God loves us. Right? I've been taught my whole life that I am loved by God, and when I feel alone or sad or happy or whatever, God is there, and he loves us. MY WHOLE LIFE, I've been taught that. Unfortunately, I'm human, and a very forgetful one at that. I guess it goes back to my thoughts about holding on to that little sliver of peace or revelation, because it may not come again for a long time. I don't think God's love is like that. I think, and disagree if you must, but I am starting to believe that God loves me every second of the day. 

I'm 24 years old, and I'm just starting to believe God loves me. Now I'm about to get a little personal: a few weeks ago, I was almost convinced that God did not exist, or wasn't listening to me; that he was teaching me a lesson by ignoring me. Sure, he was teaching me lessons alright, but he wasn't ignoring me. I kept thinking things like "God, you're there, right? Are you hearing me? Why haven't you responded?" or "I think I know you are there, but I don't know exactly where that is, so if you could help me out a little bit, I'd really appreciate it...." I couldn't figure it out. My Heavenly Father, why hast thou forsaken me? 

But the stupid thing is, is that I wasn't forsaken. I was just ignorant. I was being prideful and ignorant, and I refused to actually open my eyes to where God was. I was looking one direction, like a horse with blinders on, and I was mad that He wasn't there waiting for me. But maybe all I had to do was turn my head a little bit. I'm still turning it, slowly but surely, and I think I see glimpses of Him.

The past 6 months have been a bit of a spiritual journey for me. I've had to make a lot of decisions as to what I believe, and why. I've asked a LOT of questions that I've always been too scared to ask; too emberassed that people would judge me, too nervous that people would treat me differently. What is with me, and my fear of people! Somehow, somewhere, someone taught me to jump for it. I don't know if I jumped on my own. If I were next to a swimming pool, I think I was pushed in, and jumped on the way. My questions and thoughts are/were as follows:

• Is the Atonement real? Does it actually work? I don't think it works, how does it work, how can we be cleansed? How can the Atonement cover such a wide array of sins?
• Is this Gospel really....the Gospel? Is this really what is supposed to bring me eternal joy and happiness? Where is that happiness then?
• Do we really have agency? Aren't we pre-destined for things? What's the point?
• How can God love me all the time? I'm not good all the time, and sometimes I make the same mistakes over and over again. SOMETIMES, I willingly make the same mistakes over and over again. How can God love somebody like that?

I think the last one has had the most effect on me. The one regarding the Atonement is a slow and steady process, but feeling confused about my place in Gods heart really.....threw me. I was talking to a dear friend recently, and he told me that maybe, just maybe, I needed to soften my heart. That I wasn't seeing things the way God does because my energy was so focused on my hardened heart from not understanding and feeling lost and confused. I've never had anybody say that to me before. I've never heard of people telling others to soften their hearts, except for in the Book of Mormon. And there it was, said to me! 

Needless to say, he was a little bit right. I have been spending so much time, wasting so much time focusing on....on....I don't even know what. "soften your heart". Well, let me tell you, that is easier said than done. But it is doable. And, like my determination to crack my negative habits, I'm determined to conquer this as well.

So....where do I stand? What's my conclusion? My conclusion is this: I will never understand why God loves me, only that....He really does. I will never be able to comprehend how He can do it, only that He can. I will probably forget that he loves me, but I will try not to. The Atonement is a real thing, though I can't quite explain it yet. I'm working on it. This Gospel can be a beautiful part of our lives if we allow it. God has a "plan" for us, if we want it---if we have faith that His plan will probably be better than our own plan. And we don't even have to follow his plan if we don't want to. We can do whatever we want. But....wouldn't I be better off trusting somebody who knows all things? You'd think. 

Its easier said than done.

And I'm working on it. 

Slowly, but surely.

And it feels good.