I am a very blessed individual. I have a lot of amazing people in my life who continually surprise me and show me things I never thought were possible. I don't mean to pay these people ANY disrespect, or show any hint of ingratitude for the part they have played in the last two months. But I must speak my mind.
I have a lot of holes in my life right now, mostly because of....well, being 24. I've graduated from college, I have a degree in something I love, and....I find no joy in it whatsoever. I find myself wandering around in what seems like a big, black hole of possibilities that I can't quite reach or make out. If I could put a visual to it, its like the underworld in Hercules, with all of the spirits floating around. There are so many of them, yet when you reach out to touch one, the slip through your hand, and you feel nothing at all. Just empty possibilities. And it begs the question: what am I doing? What am I worth? Where do I belong, and who belongs to me? What am I meant to do?
Though I've reached a peaceful conclusion, over the last 6 months I've had a strong internal struggle with the difference between God's plan and purpose for us, and our own agency. For the longest time I couldn't grasp how the two had a relationship to each other, or what the purpose of agency was if God had a plan for us anyway. "What's the point of doing what WE want, when God just wants us to do what HE wants? Where is my freedom in that?" or "What if I don't want to do what God wants--don't I have a say in my own life?"
So....It seems so obvious, doesn't it? Is the answer obvious? Because it took me months to figure out, and I still can't place my finger on it. Something just didn't sit right with the conclusion of "God DOES have a plan for us, but we get to decide whether we follow his plan for us or not". If that's the case, why are we constantly bombarded with quotes like "You are the co-author of your own story" and blah blah blah from all the cute mommy bloggers, and Relief Society Presidents? I just don't understand it. God has a plan; a pre-set, PLAN. Do I get to change that plan? Do I get to add another character to that plan? Do I get to....change the setting of that plan?
All in all, I feel ok with it. At the moment, I'm not bothered. I don't feel uneasy about my ability to choose, or this "chosen path" that I am supposed to be on. I can't, however, explain to you why I'm ok with it, or how I understand it, because I'm not even sure. But after months of study, and thoughtful prayer and wondering, the only thing that sticks in my head is "Do what's right, and you'll be ok".
Which brings me to my next thought. How do we know if something is right? From the LDS standpoint, the Holy Spirit will tell you. Alright, I believe that. Fair enough. But how often will you know? All the time? Will He only tell you once, and you just have to be strong enough to hold on that split second feeling and let that carry you through weeks, and months of unsurity? What about confirmations or....reminders? What if I forget that feeling? What if I can't remember that feeling, and the unsurity and the doubt overtakes my body? Don't I get a little reminder, like when my phone reminds me of my bikini wax appointment that I forgot about? OR! What if something is "right", but feels REALLY WRONG. Where does peace come from in situations like that?
I've done a lot of reading lately. I seem to fancy self-help books. My parents are psychologists, so I guess that's pretty predictable. Whenever I'm in Barnes and Noble, that's the section I find myself in. Let me pause for a moment and say that bookstores like Barnes and Noble give me such peace and serenity, I almost wished I lived there. I hate reading, but there is nothing better than sitting on the floor surrounded by thousands of books, just...reading. I read all sorts of things now. I've read Bossypants by Tina Fey, I'm currently working my way through Following Christ (wonderful book), along with some plays, and a book on confidence because I just finished a book about imperfections. All things I could use a little "self-help" in.
I don't have a point. I'm not trying to prove anything, or have some secret message hidden in here. Life is hard, and life is beautiful. The beauty hides itself all too often--either that, or I refuse to see it, in a strange, unconscious way. I don't mean to be stubborn, I don't mean to refuse, but I've come to understand that keeping a soft heart is a constant battle, and I'm determined to win.
I'm moving soon, and excited about that.
I've been wanting to blog for a while now, but have hit a "writer's block" for blogging. How silly. There is nothing hard about blogging, you just...type. But I feel a lot more blogs coming on as I am finally able to express into words things that are on my mind.
I really love this.
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