More spiritual thinkings.

Hey.

I want to write some things. You could maybe call this a testimony. But I want to write it. I actually feel very strongly about writing it. So I'm going to. If you don't like reading things like this, then I'd hit the back button, or refresh your facebook page. But if you do, I urge you to read on. I've spent a lot of time drafting this, and I am sure that it is poorly written, but my intent isn't to show you that I can write--I just want to do my thoughts justice.

I have a very new, and very strong belief that God loves me. I mean, he really loves me. I wish I had more eloquent words to explain better what I'm feeling. Its like this indescribable happiness that just kind of sits inside my chest, more towards the left. It just sits there, and every so often throughout the day, it will make this swooping motion in my chest, like a hand drawing pictures in the sand on the beach. And it just swoops back and forth for a few minutes until it decides to settle down. That's what I feel. And the best part about it, is that I know where it comes from, and I know how real it is. That swooping sand in my chest lets me know that I matter. It lets me know that I am beautiful (physically I suppose, but beautiful as in "valuable), and that I have so many things to offer to other people, and to myself. That swooping sand in my chest makes me smile as I watch these beautiful sunsets and as I spend time with people that really inspire me. That swooping sand in my chest makes me want to make other people smile and remember what it means to have fun while being alive. That swooping sand in my chest makes me think about other people a lot more than I used to, and helps me to value myself. That swooping sand in my chest makes me feel important, and like I have something to offer to the world.

Last Sunday was a pretty incredible day for me. From a spiritual perspective, I received a LOT of really wonderful answers to a lot of really long-winded prayers.  The how's, the what's, and even a couple of why's were thrown into my face, and I am almost shocked at how detailed some of my answers were. Prayer is real. Prayer is so real. Its real, its real, its real. I used to have this mentality that I couldn't pray unless I was perfect. What a silly, silly person I was being. How many nights of anxiety and fear and loneliness and worry have I wasted because of my pride and inability to see things the way I should have. Prayer is so real, so tangible. I know, without a shadow of any doubt, that when I am praying, my God is alert and listening. He is listening to me. He is taking notes, He is writing it down word for word, He is recording it and listening to it over and over again. As far as I'm concerned, I'm the only one He's listening to at the time, and I'm the only one He thinks about. Of course that's not true, but that's the amount of love that I have felt recently.

The thing that I had to learn the hard way was the difference between God listening, and God answering. In my mind, if He wasn't answering, then He certainly wasn't listening. How false that is. And how do I know now that he is listening? That sandy swoop in my chest. The swoop that makes my arms and thighs burn (which is, incidentally, the same feeling I get before I go on stage). I recently had a long conversation with Dave about who and what really matters in life. I was talking about my bad habit of caring what other people think, and he summed it right up for me. He said "Kelly, do you feel like you stand clean and Holy before Christ and the Lord? Do you feel like you are currently in his good graces?" I responded "Yes, yes I do". And he replied "Then why does it matter what ANYBODY else feels or thinks about you, if you are in good graces with GOD? With the most perfect Judge, who knows you better than anybody else in the world? Why would it matter who was or was not in your life, as long as God was there and blessing you, which he is?" And something just kind of clicked. Because....it doesn't really matter. It does not matter that I am single and very grateful to be that, or that I am a good or a bad singer, or bad or a good actor, or if people think I am a prude, or stingy, or selfish, or kind and thoughtful. IT. DOES. NOT. MATTER. It only matters what God thinks of me, and if I'm doin' alright in his book, then I think its safe to say that I'm doin' alright.

I am not a very eloquent writer. This I know. But it doesn't matter. Here are my thoughts. I am very, very blessed, and very, very happy.