Blubbering about my Monster

So here's the thing: I have felt like a stupid piece of tar for most of the day, and I just wish it would go away.

I haven't had a lot of trials in my life. I've been very lucky to have minimal problems compared to what I see others face. I believe that everybody has trials, and that everybody deals with their big "monster" all their life. And though we all have our "monsters", we somehow wish that we didn't have our own monsters, and could trade them with somebody else.

I know what my monster is, and I have always known that this will be mine for the rest of my life.

Discouragment.

I think I get discouraged easier than anybody else I know. And on the Spectrum, discouragment doesn't seem so bad, right? I mean, I'm am not chained down by some addiction to drugs, nor do I suffer from severe anxiety or depression. Sometimes it seems like something like that would be easier for Kelly Marie Hennessey to deal with....but if it was, then that wouldn't be my "monster".

The problem is that it doesn't take much for me to get caught up in the spiral. All it takes is one trivial comment, one stupid remark or something trivial or accidental to get me going, and its all downhill from there. I can't help it. Believe me, if I could, I absolutely would. But I can't. It makes me question almost everything that I am, and everything that I do, and why I do it. Don't get me wrong. I believe that being uncomfortable in life is completely necessary, because it pushes and shapes and molds us until we decide to do something about it, or make the change that is what is making us uncomfortable in the first place.

But sometimes, I think I find myself wanting to change something that doesn't need to be changed.

I don't know what I'm saying. But the point is, is that I get discouraged very easily. And wish that I didn't. And wish that these feelings would go away so I could dust it all off, not care what anybody says or said, and just....be the happy person that I am.

On a side note, Maxi is asleep in my arms as I type this and watch the Chronicles of Narnia.

Also, the job market is looking very favorable right now, and I feel very blessed for that.