Passing time.

It's 1:30 in the morning. What am I doing up? I'll tell you.

I am a poor struggling college student. That's what I'm doing up.

Was that enough information for you? Probably not.

I am not fortunate enough to have an "off" button. And right now, my brain is zipping through the 9 billion things that are going on in my life. I can't just seem to "hibernate" my brain. Laptops can do it, why can't I?

I'm laying her talking to my dear friend Jessica online. She saves my life. Always. Her words of comfort are priceless, I don't know what I would do without them.

I'm involved in a lot of activities right now. Oddly enough, I still have free time at night. I must say, I am a professional at time management. I bet I could add something else to my schedule, but my fun-size little body might explode.

I'm a bit reflective tonight. I miss people. I miss a lot of things I used to have.

I'm kind of bored with my life right now. Ironic, right? I do too much. But I want to do something, I want to have something ELSE to look forward to. I want to get friends and go bowling, I want to go to the dollar theater, I want to go out to eat, I want to have fun with friends. I guess I just want to be a normal college student. I don't live at home, I have time to do these things, and I've always been so involved in my other life and school and performing and work and things that I never wanted to or had time to. Now I do, and I want it, and I don't know how to get it.

I'm a really shy person. Blah blah blah, people will tell you differently, but I'm here to tell you that I am a really shy person. I've lived with myself for almost 22 years. Trust me, I would know. I'm shy, and people intimidate me. Sure, I'm funny. Sure, I'm witty. Sure, I make a lot of jokes and I am kind of sassy. But what if I ventured to say that most of that is just insecurity? What if I said that I am scared to organize a group activity, or ask somebody out, because I am too scared of rejection? Yes, I'd rather stay in my little fun-size shell and just wait for something to happen to me. What a miserable life. I'm shy, and sometimes, I just can't get past it. I get intimidated very easily. Just looking at another person will send my insecurity ratings soaring. It's absolutely ridiculous, I know.

I feel like I'm floating. Financially, I'm a poor college student who is totally floating. Emotionally, floating. Socially, I'm all over the place.

Dear Brain, please turn off. Thanks.

School is busy. I'm taking 15 credits. I work part time. I am rehearsing for a show. I am preparing to go as a partner to ACTF (Wow, that's a whole 'nother blog in itself. Good stories....yikes). I struggle to pay rent. I'm in debt for school. And most of the time, I feel pretty peaceful about my debt. Its all school related, and I'm prepared to work my butt off to pay it off once I'm finished. If I'm lucky, I'll get married. But I can't rely on someone else to pay off something I've gotten myself into. Realistically, its nothing. School debt is school debt, but I have this incredible fear that nobody will marry me because of it. Maybe my parents drilled that into me, I don't really know. But I have this mentality, and maybe I will be the crazy actress who has 90 cats when she's older.

Cats are kind of mangy and dirty though. I mean, I love cats, but....dirty. I could deal with dogs. I like dogs. A couple of miniature dachshunds? I could definitely do that.

I'm a pretty decent singer. Sometimes. I wish I were better. I should be better. There's no way I can make it in this business the way I am. I'll just add that to my list of things to fix.

Hootie is a stud. That's all.

I love my Asian. Lucienne is a light in my life. I wish I were more like her. She is one of my favorite people in the world.

Brain: are you ready to turn off yet?

An old friend is mailing me two tickets to see the National Tour of The Lion King when it comes to SLC in September. I can't believe it. I'm giddy with excitement. This kind of thing doesn't happen to me, and frankly, I don't know how it came up in the first place. Just an old friend I met a few years ago. I guess his business deals with tickets for these things, and got me two. He told me I should be on broadway, which is always very flattering to hear, but more discouraging to anything. It's nice to think there is somebody out there who has faith in me, but I'm afraid to disappoint.

I've been spending a lot of time by myself lately. I got to shows, I see friends, I do this or that by myself. I don't mind it. In fact, I find it very relaxing for me. My favorite place to go is Barnes and Nobles, and just spend time there, reading, browsing, people watching, thinking. Maybe I'm a loser. Maybe I'm that girl in college who doesn't have friends. Not true. I have friends. I just choose not to be around them all the time.

But thinking about it, why do I make that choice? Is there something wrong with me? Nah. Barnes and Noble is the Bomb.com.

I watched the Count of Monte Cristo the other night. By far one of my favorite movies. That and UP!. I forgot how much I loved that movie. The company was great too.

My stomach has been hurting lately. Kind of strange. I had a bad case several weeks ago, and last night kinda kicked a little bit, but nothing lately. Boy, do I still feel sheepish about all that.

Brain? Are you tired yet?

I have been reflecting lately on how I treat people, I can definitely see lots of room for improvement. I wonder if people think I don't care about them because I joke so much. I wonder if people don't take me seriously. I wonder if people think I'm rude because they don't understand my humor. I wonder which of my friends really needs a shoulder to lean on and I can't see it because I'm too wrapped up in myself. I often think about all the things I want to fix about myself so I can better serve those around me. I often wonder if people even take me seriously. I can be serious. I can be VERY......serious....... seriously. I can be. If I need to be.

I like to laugh. Even better, I like to make people laugh. I like to tell stories, I like to smile, I like to see other people smile. I like to help people feel loved.

I've been thinking a lot about a guy I know named Rex. We did a show together once. He just moved into my ward. I don't think about him in a romantic way, but in a little brother sort of way: I constantly worry about him, and wonder what I can do to be a better friend to him. i look for him every week at Church, but haven't seen him the last two weeks. Huh.

I lost about 10 or 12 pounds in December. I know. I'm skinny anyway, I get it. Don't worry. Those pounds are promptly returning. It happens.

I have two new roommates. We all get along. That's swell.

I'm the mom of my apartment. Always cleaning. Hard to believe? Believe it. My room is always clean (80% of the time). Yes, I even make my bed, and put my clothes away. Believe it or not, I am an adult.

I turn 22 in less than a month. Secretly, I wish I had a surprise party. I had one thrown for me once when I was really little, maybe 10, and it was so exciting. I've never been kidnapped for breakfast before. That's a lie. Last year, Cam drove down all the way from Idaho at 5 in the morning to take me to breakfast. Best. Day. Ever. I still think about it. But I guess I've never been actually kidnapped out of my bedroom. It happens to my friends all the time, it looks so exciting!

I lied again. When I lived in Florida, my friends threw me a surprise party. I guess I have had some surprise parties. Bottom line, I really like them.

Maybe i just like being around friends who like me. Yes, that sounds right.

Dear Brain, are you feeling sleepy yet?

I think my brain is a little tired now. Its about time. The other night, it took me over an hour and a half to fall asleep because I had a song I was trying to learn stuck in my head. I was performing the next day, and my brain would NOT SHUT UP. I dreamed about that song, I woke up singing that song. It was the longest day of my life. If I never hear that song again, I wouldn't mind.

I'm a Gospel Doctrine teacher now in my ward. I'm scared out of my mind, and excited. I think its a great experience, but I feel hardly qualified to do such a thing. I guess that's a good thing though. I like to learn, and I hope that others can learn from me, and I don't become a boring teacher. Maybe I'll just wear red high heels each time I teach.... What, it worked when I taught the teenagers....

I think the fan on my laptop doesn't work very well anymore. My lap is really hot. Awesome.

Dear Brain. I'm grateful to you and all the thinking you do. But, please go to sleep. That's right. Sweet Dreams, Love, Kelly.