untitled testimony

I don't talk about my beliefs much. To be truthful, I don't have a strong skin when it comes to discussing religious beliefs, nor do I have a lot of tolerance for people who can't discuss it without saying something like "I don't believe what you believe, because I think it's stupid." I recognize that probably falls on me, because isn't that was a discussion and disagreement usually ends up in? We choose not to do certain things because we think they aren't worth our time, aka stupid? Regardless, I find it better to keep silent and just observe and learn how other people live, and see if my life fits into theirs somehow. Sometimes it does. Often, it does not. At least, not in the way I'd like. And that's just the way the cookie crumbles. Friendships come and go, hearts bond and then break, and everybody wakes up day after day, breathing, coping, and just trying to be happy.

There's been an UPROAR in my community of Mormons regarding the Church's recent policy addition regarding same-sex marriages and their children, and what their involvement in the Church may now look like. My emotions have tapped every corner of the spectrum, and to be frank, I am just exhausted. I have been angry at my peers, frustrated at God, cried tears of sadness and mourning, felt uplifted and confident, only to find myself on my knees again, begging for something to take the anxious away, or at least make my back stronger. I have spent the last 36 hours combing the Internet, reading different passages, opinions, blogs, news articles, statements, frustrations, emotional outbursts, ANYTHING you can think of to try to better understand A) what the freak happened, B) how it is affecting those close to me, and C) what kind of views and opinions are being offered on the matter. And at times, it has been difficult to restrain myself from commenting or putting my thoughts out there, but I know my impulsive intention was to change their minds, which isn't what I want at all. Everybody is afraid. Everybody is trying to find happiness in whatever way they can. And that's ok. I am not afraid to hear and learn what others think about something, nor do I feel like it will sway my opinion either way--especially if I haven't been able to form one yet. But the more knowledgeable I am on a subject, the more thorough I can be to my Heavenly Father when I kneel down in tears and say "God, I don't understand _______. I feel uneasy about __________. I love ____________. I don't know if I believe _____________. I've done ____________ and don't know how to come back from it. Give me the courage and patience to endure my anxious thoughts and uneasiness. Help my brain and anxious thoughts to leave my heart alone for just a moment, and let me feel what you and it are trying to say to me." My prayers of late are often similar to this one.

I don't have answers. There are a lot of things about my religion that I just don't know, and some things I'm not sure I understand. To be honest, I don't think I've formed a solid stance on the policy update (note the word "Policy", not Doctrine). But....here is what I do know:

I know that there is a God. I know that this God loves me. And not the kind of love that I feel for clean laundry, or the love I feel for someone when they do something nice: the kind of love that overwhelms your whole being, that hurts so much to think about--the kind of love that we can't even comprehend. I even think that I know that He knows me--the way I think, the way I feel, how I react and the way I cope with love and loss. I believe that when I kneel down to pour my anxious heart to Him, he listens, he understands, and he knows what to do and how to help. I believe that God loves his children, and that word "children" encompasses every single human being on the earth: Christian, Muslim, Atheist, Mormon, Agnostic, Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, Baptist. Every. Damn. One. And He loves them HARD. So much so, that he gave us His Only Begotten Son Jesus Christ, His most loved and righteous son as a sacrifice so that we may be saved from our own sins and iniquities. What's more, is that I know that Jesus Christ is our brother, and our Saviour, and that he atoned for my sins so that I could have a sliver of a chance to fulfill the plan of salvation and return home to my Heavenly Father when this life is over. I believe that Jesus Christ is the foundation of this Gospel, and without him, I am nothing. I do not know the meaning of all things, nor will I ever, but I believe in a God who does, and can see and comprehend this world and these situations more than we can imagine. I know that God is in control, and that God is good. I know that the Temple is a literal House of the Lord, and I feel blessed and privileged to serve there each week as an Ordinance Worker, to be in his presence, and to assist in the work. I know that God is the head of this Church, and I find great comfort in that, as I also believe that men are imperfect and prone to human error and mistake, just like our prophets and leaders. I know that there is an afterlife, and there are treasures and blessings to be had there. I believe that God needs all religions to succeed, not just the Mormon Church. I believe that there can be more than one "true" Church for people, and that in the grand scheme of things, every soul will have the opportunity to be taken care. I believe in the eternal principals of marriage in the temple, and the blessing that it is to be sealed to a companion for time and all eternity, to rule and reign together in the House of Israel forever. I yearn and ache for that person and for those blessings. I believe that Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Jesus Christ, that the Angel Moroni guided Joseph through those first few years, and that the Book of Mormon came forth because of it. I believe the Book of Mormon to contain many principals and truths that are foundational principals to our beliefs, as much as I know and believe it to be another testament of Jesus Christ, our rock and Savior. I believe that families can be together forever, that when we pass on from this life, all is not lost, and we can be reunited with our loved ones. I also have a firm testimony of Satan, and his power and ability to persuade and deceive. I believe in Satan's existence and ability as much as I believe in God's, and recognize the presence of both in my life and in the lives of those around me.  I am grateful always for the sweet association that is the Church, that I can travel to any place in the world, and the Mormon Church will be the same there, as it is here. (Note I said Church, not culture.) I wish I had the courage the wear these things on my sleeve, but I do not always.  I do not understand all there is to understand about the Church, nor am I at peace with what I do know and understand. However, I cannot deny the feelings I have felt, the promptings I have received, and the literal life-saving/changing experiences I have had within this religion, and I am in it for the long haul. I try hard to love, to grow, to have charity, to serve, and uplift, to bring peace, and to feel peace. I fail often. But I try: I make mistakes, both small and large, but my spirit is continually held safe and welcomed by my Heavenly Father, who calms my troubled heart and continually forgives me: "Peace I leave with you. My peace I give now unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid."

I will say this: at this very moment, I feel peaceful about the Church's policy clarification. I know it's only been 36 hours, but after much effort on my part, I am at peace. At least, for now.  I don't have any answers for anybody.  I most likely will never post something like this again.  I don't know how to reconcile or comfort those who feel betrayed or frustrated by things we don't fully comprehend. If only we could all have an eternal perspective. Each day that passes, membership in this Gospel gets harder and harder: the opposition is strong; the mockery is great, and we are truly a peculiar people. But through my own way and through constant questioning and evaluation, this is where I choose to be.