follow up

My heart and mind are anxious right now.

Two nights ago, I woke up repeatedly during the night, my mind reeling with the recent policy announcement from the Church. If you want to read my previous thoughts on it, look at the post below.

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't slow down. I couldn't process, I couldn't comprehend.

I felt at peace last weekend, and I occasionally feel at peace still. But two nights ago, I did not. Tonight, not one hour ago, in a conversation with a friend, I did not either.

I wish I could articulate better. I have so many thoughts and things to say, things that are valuable and valid and strong and wonderful, and I can't ever say them in an actual conversation. My friend will ask me something, and my eyes will dart right and left, and my lips will purse, and I get shifty and nervous and I don't say what I really want to say. I don't know why.

Maybe I don't know how.

Either way, it's all just really stupid.

What if this policy is wrong? What if the Elders are wrong on this one? Though they are to be what I feel is the most tangible thing to God's voice that we have, and I love and respect those men with all of my heart, they are only men. And imperfect, just like me. How frustrating it could be for God to only have really imperfect humans to deal with and communicate through.

And you know what's weird? Is that what if this policy isn't wrong? What if it actually is the best thing, RIGHT NOW, for the Church, and for the people in it? What if we are all a bunch of entitled children who feel we deserve to have what we want at all times, in all moments, immediately? What if something else is to come that will make so much more sense? God's ways are not our ways. And as time goes on, being a Mormon becomes more and more curious to outside individuals. What if, what if, what if?

I'll admit, this policy change has been exhausting. And sad, and hurtful, and difficult to take part in and participate in so many hateful conversations and toxic forms of treatment and communications. My friend told me tonight that he was sorry that it seemed so taxing for me. For a moment, I felt really stupid when he said that: I'm not gay, nor do I have children, nor does this affect me in any way directly. So why am I so distraught about it?

I don't know. I can't give you a reason.

I feel uneasy about it all. But the weirdest thing is that at the same time, I feel like everything will be ok.

I don't understand how I can feel both of those things. And maybe that's why I get so stressed, is that I can't even interpret my own interpretations.

I feel weird and scared, yet peaceful and calm.