Shame on you, little bo peep.

I have a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach.

I couldn't really say why.

Actually.....yes I could.

Today, at this moment, I feel.....not enough. A silly thing to feel, really. But I feel it.

Long story short, I used to let people walk all over me. I sort of still do, in a way. If there was a conflict or a confrontation, I would immediately raise the white flag, and take what they had to say, and then dust it off without really defending of saying that I felt I wanted to say. It was easier that way: less conflict, less hurt feelings, less uneasiness....whatever. But being in LA has sort of hardened me up. And I don't tolerate as much as I used to. The problem with this, is that I haven't had a lifetime of practice at it, so I don't think I've been able to find the line between standing up for myself, and irrationally defending myself. I'm learning.

Things I don't take well: shaming. Don't shame me. If you have a problem with something, don't use shame to solve it. There are a million other ways to approach the situation, and shaming is not one of them. Today, someone felt the need to be condescending and shame me to prove some ridiculous point. And it felt terrible. To be honest, it wasn't even merited. And after I spoke my mind and brought to light what was happening, the other party replied "Well, I'm just giving it to you how it really is."

.....

That's fine. Give it to me how it really is. But don't use shame. Use adult conversation.

I don't like being hardened. I don't like knowing and feeling like this industry has had a defensive and "on-guard" impact on my life. Is it necessary? Probably. You've got to have balls to get anywhere. But why can't everybody just frolic through the fields and smell the flowers with me?

Anyway, I fought back a little bit. And now I'm doubting myself. Should I have said what I said? Should I have let him shame me for something that was totally trivial and absolutely unnecessary?

Maybe.

Maybe not.