A long time ago, I wrote a blog about emotional intimacy, and wanting people to "see, witness, and not leave." I felt like I had overcome some pretty valuable lessons in realizing that about myself. I felt like I had conquered a lot of fears, and was ready to allow people to "see" and "witness".
But I don't know if that's entirely true anymore.
It's hard, ya know? It's hard to be open and vulnerable and allow other people to see your inadequacies, or your fears, or your anxieties, or your "things." IT'S HARD TO DO THAT. Obviously, you have to pick and choose who gets to see those things, because just because somebody claims to be your friend does not give them the right to you story---that's YOUR story, and you get to be VERY CAREFUL with whom you allow to read that story.
My ideals haven't changed--I do want people to "see" and to "witness" and of course, to "stay". But it's crossed my mind (several times in the last week) that maybe I'm not totally able to allow them to do so. Maybe the problem lies within me, and not somebody else.
I get close to it, I really do. I get so close to achieving that sort of friendship. And once I begin to creep up on to the finish line, I start to bail out: I can't make eye contact, I lost all confidence in myself, and I just.....shut down. I shut down because......shutting down means safety. It means no disappointment. Shutting down means I'm in control of things.
My heart says: Shutting down is for chumps.
My brain says: Oooooh girl, you better shut down NOW.
And the battle continues. Here's to another day.
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