Lessons Learned

So I generally try to keep the boring Acting stuff out of this blog for the sake of myself and everybody else, but this post is not going to follow that rule.

I learned something very important during the show last night. Rather....re-learned. To be honest, I've probably learned this 9,000 times. But just like everything else, we learn and re-learn and solidify through repetition. I suppose it just takes me a little bit longer than others to keep it solidified in my brain.

I had a really crappy show last night. I mean, really crappy. I hated everything I did, I hated how I felt afterwards, I always just feel so stupid, and I just....had a bad show. In case you didn't know, or in case you don't ever feel this way, it is really hard to receive sincere compliments from people when you don't even believe or have confidence in yourself at the moment. So its very very difficult for me to not laugh off what they say and sort of roll my eyes and think "how can they say that? Did they not see what I just did for an hour and a half? Didn't they just SEE with their EYES what I just DID?!"

But the thing is...is that....no, they may not have. In fact, my crappy insecurities may have actually done something for somebody. Which is where lesson number 9,000 comes into play: This, all of this "acting" and "touring" and "performing" isn't really about me . Before I get ahead of myself, I do understand that there is a bit of selfishness involved in everything that we do: we pursue careers or do service or perform or whatever we do because we enjoy it; because there is something thrilling and exciting about traveling to Japan and helping those in need; there is something thrilling about memorizing a shakespeare play and then being in front of 12 or 1256 people performing it, ideally with everybody's eyes on you; there is something enjoyable about spending 10 years in medical school in order to become a very successful doctor to help people. Obviously, I understand that we all have our needs. But what I'm saying, is that on the spectrum, I don't really matter. I'm on an Educational Tour, which travels to different states and performs for underfunded schools or communities with the objective of teaching and spreading art and culture and experience to those who may not otherwise have an opportunitiy like this.

I am very blessed. Though my family was very poor growing up, (and even now), I was a very blessed child: I danced for 11 years, I competed in gymnastics for 6, I spent time working my way up in karate, I played Varsity Volleyball and Varsity Basketball, I was surrounded by great people and wonderful influences. Culture and theater was constantly around me, and because of who my parents were, diversity and "the world" was infused into my life at a very young age. I feel very grateful to have had such wonderful parents who worked so hard to make sure I was well educated and as well-rounded as they could get me. Granted, some of these things came with the perks of living where we were living, and not everybody lives in a place that offers opportunities like this.

So what I'm saying is that if my goal were to have my name known throughout NYC, or to "make it big", then....this isn't the tour that's going to get me there right away, if at all. But I've re-learned that those things don't even matter to me. Sure, everybody wants to be successful, but "success" is a relative term, and as long as I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and aligning my will with the Lord's, then things will work out just fine. My crappy show last night might have been mostly internal. Or maybe it truly was crappy. I'll never really know, because in all honesty, nobody is ever going to walk up to me or anybody else and say "wow, chalk one up for suckiness Kelly, better luck next time..." It just doesn't work like that. But how I felt about it is not as important as what some of those kids may have felt or learned last night. Generally, I HATE talking to the audience afterwards, especially in a setting like this. It feels forced, and though its fun to get to know people, I have a hard time doing it after a show. But last night I was cornered by a bunch of the students who had so many questions and things to say about the show and things that they learned. And it was during this conversation that I remembered: who am I to ruin what they have learned by scoffing them off because of my insecurities? Who am I to strip them away of something they may have enjoyed, regardless of the how good or bad it really was? Maybe they don't even know. Obviously, I don't want to suck anymore or keep feeling awful about this part, but....its not about me. Its not about glamour, its not about applause, its not about selling out a house. Its about telling a story, about being a tool in the Lord's hands to share a talent or a message through this way.

That's all I really had to say about that. Don't worry.

On a completely different note, I had the best mint shake with snickers in it last night. I mean, I felt kinda sick after, but at the time, it was so swear-word good! So I then woke up this morning to go running, and when I looked outside? SNOW! THERE IS SNOW OUTSIDE IN NV! What in the SWEAR-WORDS!? So....no. I did not get out of bed to go running, nor did I do any exercise. and I WILL not do any running in the snow.

Also....I have a new-found love for dried pineapple (Trader Joe's only) and for Sun-Maid Raisens. Perf.

I don't know if I'm making sense. I'm probably not.