Happy Birthday to me

My chest feels like its going to explode.

My stomach is full of knots.

My heart feels like its dropped to the floor.

And the worst part is, is that I don't have a clue why.

Get ready: I can feel a hypocritical blog coming on.

This last week has been a very thrilling and very frustrating week. Our Manager said that this week would be one of the 2 hardest weeks we would have on tour, and I kind of understand why. There were some very late nights, and some very early mornings this week, and I find it safe to say that some of us are not our best in the mornings, myself definitely included in that. Mornings are hard for me: I simply don't like them. When I was a gymnast, I used to be a morning person. I mean, I had to be: 5-6 hours a day working out in the gym during the summer starting at 7 am. I loved it. I loved walking into the gym and beginning my morning with some endurance training, with the smell of chalk wafting through the air. Or spending time stretching our flexibility before hitting the bars or vault. Yes, those were definitely the days. I'm sure I wasn't the best gymnast there, but I do believe I was pretty darn good. I worked hard, and improved quickly given the other obligations in my tiny little life.

This blog wasn't meant to be about gymnastics, but its what I'm thinking about right now, so forgive the tangent. Being a gymnast was one of the most disciplinary things I have ever done. But whats funny is that I wasn't aware of that until after I quit. The strength and determination to succeed at an athletic sport like gymnastics is unreal. But growing up with it, it simply part of life. We came to the gym, and we did our work and we pulled our own weight. Because if we didn't...it wouldn't hurt anybody but ourselves. I had a coach named Glen for a while before I quit, and if there is anything that I learned from him, its that we only hurt ourselves if we don't reach our full potential. Sure, mom will be sad if her child isn't "successful" or "happy" or what have you, but in the end, we are living our own lives. I think that's a work ethic that more people should and could adopt in their lives. We would run our 25 sprints, and do our 50 pushups, and climb our ropes without our legs over and over and over again, and from the side, Glen would shout "pick it up: this isn't for me. If you want this, then get it"

And he was right.

If you want it, then get it.

So what stops us? Why don't we just "go and get what we want?"

I'll tell you my answer: fear. Insecurity.

I'm a pansy. I'm scared, and I'm shy. I'm so shy, its painful sometimes. Its funny, most people scoff when they hear me say that and refuse to believe it. But...read it and weep, because that's just the bottom line. Sure, once I get comfortable with people, I'm not as shy anymore. But who isn't like that? That's normal. Its the beginning stages that kills me. I am not the kind of person that can sit down at a table and start talking to people I don't know, ESPECIALLY people who are "higher up" than me in whatever we are doing. I'm not particularly charming; I'm don't see myself as very clever or witty, And if my shyness doesn't get the best of me, my insecurity definitely will bring in the caboose. That has rung true with this tour. I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I've had during the last month and a half, just trying to figure out what I'm doing here. But of that tomorrow.

Bottom line, my insecurity limits me from getting what I want. Fear of what other people think, fear of what we call "failure" (which, in reality, I don't even know how to accurately define). My patriarchal blessing mentions something along these lines, and boy is it biting me in the butt right now. This thought isn't going to be finished because my brain is quickly moving to other things....

This week has been a rough week. Generally, I feel like it is fairly easy for me to have an optimistic view on life. I would prefer to laugh something off rather than dwell on it. I don't see that as a denial tactic or something unhealthy like that, but there are too many thing in life to get worked up over that there is just no point: you'll suck all the fun out of living. I feel bad when I see people dwelling on things that, in retrospect, are petty and of no importance. There can be so much wasted emotion on something as trivial as losing a bobbi-pin or having a spike mark go missing during a show. I don't mean to invalidate or discount anybody's feelings when that happens, I just know that for me, in my life, laughing is well worth my time. But all in all, I have really struggled this week. We had some very late nights, and some very early mornings to take care of this week. Luckily for me, I was fortunate enough to catch some nasty sickness that has been kind of circulating through our tour. I spent most of Tuesday with a fever (I felt) and putting all my energy into making sure I didn't throw up or fall over on stage. Wednesday morning was similiar, and over those two days (esp Wednesday) I was reduced to tears several times in an attempt to keep myself up and going and optimistic.

Which brings me to my next question: When is it ok to be a pessimist? When it it alright to let outside influences get the better of you and effect your happiness? In all honesty, I don't really have an answer to that questions. I don't know if there is a right answer, and in all honesty, I don't even know what my answer is. I know that negative energy can really have an influence on our lives, but when is it alright to let it hit home and accept it? Just thoughts.

So I'm in this show, and its a really fun group of people. For the most part, we all get a long very well. As time passes, we are beginning to see each other's quarks come through a little bit stronger, and we are learning how to balance ourselves with each other. We get on each other's nerve sometimes (I am SURE I do to everybody else) and there haven't been any major blowups. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I have a lot of feelings about this position that I am in in my life and how I am handling it, but again, of that tomorrow.

I haven't read over this blog, and I don't really care to. Most of it is just thoughts; unclean, unclear thoughts that don't connect or make any sense. But as I've said before, I'm not a great writer, and I should have been asleep a while ago.