It doesn't.
Because none of that even matters. At all. Ever.
Because none of that even matters. At all. Ever.
But do you know what does matter?
Life. Love. Death.
My thoughts have been consumed by death over the last four days. I have a friend, Houston, who just passed away from a rare and aggressive form of Leukemia. He was diagnosed in the summer of 2013, and I moved out of the state shortly after and haven't seen him since. For a year and a half, he battled and pushed forward with an attitude of faith and trust unlike any I had ever seen. His strength and courage was a sight to behold, and something one could only hope to aspire to by the end of life. He was 30 years old and a passionate, wonderful person to be around. But I sit here, night after night, trying to wrap my head around the whole thing, and I'm not sure what it is that I can't come to terms with. Perhaps it is the fact that he was taken away at such a young age, and didn't have a choice. Maybe it's the fact that he was forced to leave behind a beautiful, strong 26 year old wife, now widow.
My thoughts have been consumed by death over the last four days. I have a friend, Houston, who just passed away from a rare and aggressive form of Leukemia. He was diagnosed in the summer of 2013, and I moved out of the state shortly after and haven't seen him since. For a year and a half, he battled and pushed forward with an attitude of faith and trust unlike any I had ever seen. His strength and courage was a sight to behold, and something one could only hope to aspire to by the end of life. He was 30 years old and a passionate, wonderful person to be around. But I sit here, night after night, trying to wrap my head around the whole thing, and I'm not sure what it is that I can't come to terms with. Perhaps it is the fact that he was taken away at such a young age, and didn't have a choice. Maybe it's the fact that he was forced to leave behind a beautiful, strong 26 year old wife, now widow.
I don't mean to make this about me, because it isn't. But I don't know how else to comprehend or understand without associating it with myself. I believe strongly in a Heavenly Being who watches and guides us. What's more, is I believe He loves us more than I will EVER be able to understand or comprehend. I also believe that we are not the sole authors of our lives, and that God writes our stories with us.
And that's where I get a little hung up: we are co-authors of our lives with God? Yes, we have our agency to choose where we go, what we do, how we live, and who we become. But as we write our story, God is writing too--throwing out suggestions, shifting paths, helping guide us toward and away from things we may or may not need. But what about my endings? When do I get to write my own chapters? What if we want to do something different than what God writes for me? What if I don't want to follow the "plan" that he has for me, and decide to do this, or do that, or move there? What about cancer? What about something that we have absolutely no control over? What happens to our agency when cancer plagues our bodies and ruins our lives, and all we can do is fight as hard as we can with the medical knowledge that we have and simply hope for the best? How much ownership do I have over my own story when cancer is thrown into the mix and I lose all control as to whether I live or die?
I can't dwell on these questions for too long, because I get pretty worked up and end up having a little argument with God. Spoiler: He always wins. He's so patient with me. I come back to Him, time and time again, with the SAME questions, with the SAME problems, the SAME heartache, and He still listens and gives me the answers I need (even though He already has.) Thankfully He'll shake it up a bit and let them come from different sources; this helps me feel like I'm continually growing and learning new things, when in reality, I'm just being reminded of the same old thing. Tonight, my peace/answers came as I read an entry that Houston wrote a year after his diagnoses. Take time to read it. It's worth it.
"....On May 29th, we received word that my bone marrow was clean and clear of any evidence of leukemia. I am currently in recovery and looking forward to the day when I can say I am cured and all of this is behind me.
Through all of this, I have learned to believe that we can handle these experiences in one of two ways. We can be angry at God, turn from Him thinking all is lost, and consider this a punishment, or we can turn to Him realizing that every person has to suffer to become something more, and use this trial as an opportunity to learn, grow, and become better people. Happiness comes as we look for the good in the little things, the simple moments, laugh, and show gratitude. In a strange way, these trials brought my family closer together and restored and strengthened old friendships while also creating new ones. I’ve had the opportunity to befriend several other people fighting cancer and I’m in constant awe at how each of them endures their own hardships. I have been extremely blessed to have a wide community of supporters to cheer me on. While I was in the hospital over the summer, I feared that I wouldn’t be alive for this holiday season, that I’d never celebrate my 29th birthday or spend another holiday at home with the people that matter most to me. I am thankful for the ability to taste and enjoy food again after losing my appetite and taste during chemotherapy. I am grateful for family that surrounds me with love and helps keep my mind distracted so it doesn’t wander into the darker “What if?” part of my brain. I am thankful for the doctors and nurses at LDS Hospital who have continued to fight for my life even when it seems that all options have been spent. I am thankful for my anonymous stem-cell donor and for my father who donated his own cells for my second transplant. Because of them, I am still here today.
I have experienced life's most beautiful moments sitting in tiny hospital rooms. We have met incredible people whom we cannot imagine life without. We are closer than ever with our family and more importantly, we are happy because we choose to be. We are learning to change our perspective on suffering. Heavenly Father uses suffering to help us grow, to help us help others grow, and to help us learn to rely on him. The Atonement is getting to the point where you surrender your will to God’s, and that no matter the outcome you realize it is for the best and is serving some sort of necessary purpose for our salvation.
I have learned I can only control so much in my life. I can’t control my cancer but I can control how I eat, sleep, walk, and I can influence my attitude. I’ve learned I need to do the little things to give my body enough strength to fight. I have put my faith into action and hoped that the Grace of the Atonement would fill in the rest. Right now I focus on doing things that bring me joy so I’m not consumed with worry for the future. Working on my first novel is an act of faith because I have to believe that I will live to see it completed and published. I keep telling my body and mind that it has to get better by living like I am going to live. We have seen and experienced so many miracles along this crazy cancerous road. There are too many blessings to count. The Lord has provided Grace. We have seen the direct results from putting our faith in action.
So the bottom line is this: cancer is scary because mortality is scary. Because I have cancer, I say things like, “I have no idea where I’m going to be a week, a month, or a year from now.” But the truth is, none of us do. Life takes us all by surprise and, even if we are perfectly healthy, accidents and mistakes happen, and our lives can end or be turned upside down without warning. The trick is not to think too much about it, and yet think about it just enough to find out what makes you happiest in life so you can simplify your lifestyle and devote your whole energy and heart to living in the moment, remembering that it is more important to live honorably and selflessly than to merely survive. For what good does it do to survive if you cannot be yourself, if you cannot find happiness pursuing your passions and developing meaningful relationships?
I used to fear the future. Now I embrace it, no matter what comes. Each day I have survived over the last year has been a blessing. I no longer look at birthdays as a sign of aging, but as a milestone of survival. Hold your loved ones closer, share your talents and gifts more abundantly, and remember to trust that God is in control, and He is the merciful author of our life stories. And I have a feeling He likes stories with happy endings."
I'll be honest: if I were to be diagnosed with cancer and asked to endure the things that Houston and Denise have endured, I don't know if I could do it. I don't know if I would have the faith and courage to leave it all up to God and push through. To be honest, it makes me a little sad to think that that is the position I am in. But I want to be that person. Houston and Denise have taught me that there is no other way to live. I have a lot of work to do if I want to get there, and that's ok. I'll get there. Life isn't fair. It wasn't designed to be. There are so many things I don't understand.....and that's ok. What I do know is that God is on our side. As Houston said:
"Through all of this, I have learned to believe that we can handle these experiences in one of two ways. We can be angry at God, turn from Him thinking all is lost, and consider this a punishment, or we can turn to Him realizing that every person has to suffer to become something more, and use this trial as an opportunity to learn, grow, and become better people. Happiness comes as we look for the good in the little things, the simple moments, laugh, and show gratitude.....The trick is not to think too much about it, and yet think about it just enough to find out what makes you happiest in life so you can simplify your lifestyle and devote your whole energy and heart to living in the moment, remembering that it is more important to live honorably and selflessly than to merely survive. For what good does it do to survive if you cannot be yourself, if you cannot find happiness pursuing your passions and developing meaningful relationships?"
And that's where I get a little hung up: we are co-authors of our lives with God? Yes, we have our agency to choose where we go, what we do, how we live, and who we become. But as we write our story, God is writing too--throwing out suggestions, shifting paths, helping guide us toward and away from things we may or may not need. But what about my endings? When do I get to write my own chapters? What if we want to do something different than what God writes for me? What if I don't want to follow the "plan" that he has for me, and decide to do this, or do that, or move there? What about cancer? What about something that we have absolutely no control over? What happens to our agency when cancer plagues our bodies and ruins our lives, and all we can do is fight as hard as we can with the medical knowledge that we have and simply hope for the best? How much ownership do I have over my own story when cancer is thrown into the mix and I lose all control as to whether I live or die?
I can't dwell on these questions for too long, because I get pretty worked up and end up having a little argument with God. Spoiler: He always wins. He's so patient with me. I come back to Him, time and time again, with the SAME questions, with the SAME problems, the SAME heartache, and He still listens and gives me the answers I need (even though He already has.) Thankfully He'll shake it up a bit and let them come from different sources; this helps me feel like I'm continually growing and learning new things, when in reality, I'm just being reminded of the same old thing. Tonight, my peace/answers came as I read an entry that Houston wrote a year after his diagnoses. Take time to read it. It's worth it.
"....On May 29th, we received word that my bone marrow was clean and clear of any evidence of leukemia. I am currently in recovery and looking forward to the day when I can say I am cured and all of this is behind me.
Through all of this, I have learned to believe that we can handle these experiences in one of two ways. We can be angry at God, turn from Him thinking all is lost, and consider this a punishment, or we can turn to Him realizing that every person has to suffer to become something more, and use this trial as an opportunity to learn, grow, and become better people. Happiness comes as we look for the good in the little things, the simple moments, laugh, and show gratitude. In a strange way, these trials brought my family closer together and restored and strengthened old friendships while also creating new ones. I’ve had the opportunity to befriend several other people fighting cancer and I’m in constant awe at how each of them endures their own hardships. I have been extremely blessed to have a wide community of supporters to cheer me on. While I was in the hospital over the summer, I feared that I wouldn’t be alive for this holiday season, that I’d never celebrate my 29th birthday or spend another holiday at home with the people that matter most to me. I am thankful for the ability to taste and enjoy food again after losing my appetite and taste during chemotherapy. I am grateful for family that surrounds me with love and helps keep my mind distracted so it doesn’t wander into the darker “What if?” part of my brain. I am thankful for the doctors and nurses at LDS Hospital who have continued to fight for my life even when it seems that all options have been spent. I am thankful for my anonymous stem-cell donor and for my father who donated his own cells for my second transplant. Because of them, I am still here today.
I have experienced life's most beautiful moments sitting in tiny hospital rooms. We have met incredible people whom we cannot imagine life without. We are closer than ever with our family and more importantly, we are happy because we choose to be. We are learning to change our perspective on suffering. Heavenly Father uses suffering to help us grow, to help us help others grow, and to help us learn to rely on him. The Atonement is getting to the point where you surrender your will to God’s, and that no matter the outcome you realize it is for the best and is serving some sort of necessary purpose for our salvation.
I have learned I can only control so much in my life. I can’t control my cancer but I can control how I eat, sleep, walk, and I can influence my attitude. I’ve learned I need to do the little things to give my body enough strength to fight. I have put my faith into action and hoped that the Grace of the Atonement would fill in the rest. Right now I focus on doing things that bring me joy so I’m not consumed with worry for the future. Working on my first novel is an act of faith because I have to believe that I will live to see it completed and published. I keep telling my body and mind that it has to get better by living like I am going to live. We have seen and experienced so many miracles along this crazy cancerous road. There are too many blessings to count. The Lord has provided Grace. We have seen the direct results from putting our faith in action.
So the bottom line is this: cancer is scary because mortality is scary. Because I have cancer, I say things like, “I have no idea where I’m going to be a week, a month, or a year from now.” But the truth is, none of us do. Life takes us all by surprise and, even if we are perfectly healthy, accidents and mistakes happen, and our lives can end or be turned upside down without warning. The trick is not to think too much about it, and yet think about it just enough to find out what makes you happiest in life so you can simplify your lifestyle and devote your whole energy and heart to living in the moment, remembering that it is more important to live honorably and selflessly than to merely survive. For what good does it do to survive if you cannot be yourself, if you cannot find happiness pursuing your passions and developing meaningful relationships?
I used to fear the future. Now I embrace it, no matter what comes. Each day I have survived over the last year has been a blessing. I no longer look at birthdays as a sign of aging, but as a milestone of survival. Hold your loved ones closer, share your talents and gifts more abundantly, and remember to trust that God is in control, and He is the merciful author of our life stories. And I have a feeling He likes stories with happy endings."
I'll be honest: if I were to be diagnosed with cancer and asked to endure the things that Houston and Denise have endured, I don't know if I could do it. I don't know if I would have the faith and courage to leave it all up to God and push through. To be honest, it makes me a little sad to think that that is the position I am in. But I want to be that person. Houston and Denise have taught me that there is no other way to live. I have a lot of work to do if I want to get there, and that's ok. I'll get there. Life isn't fair. It wasn't designed to be. There are so many things I don't understand.....and that's ok. What I do know is that God is on our side. As Houston said:
"Through all of this, I have learned to believe that we can handle these experiences in one of two ways. We can be angry at God, turn from Him thinking all is lost, and consider this a punishment, or we can turn to Him realizing that every person has to suffer to become something more, and use this trial as an opportunity to learn, grow, and become better people. Happiness comes as we look for the good in the little things, the simple moments, laugh, and show gratitude.....The trick is not to think too much about it, and yet think about it just enough to find out what makes you happiest in life so you can simplify your lifestyle and devote your whole energy and heart to living in the moment, remembering that it is more important to live honorably and selflessly than to merely survive. For what good does it do to survive if you cannot be yourself, if you cannot find happiness pursuing your passions and developing meaningful relationships?"
If there ever was a man who deserved to live and bless the lives of others, it was Houston. But if there ever was a man that God needed to bring back home for a bigger purpose, it was Houston. God speed, and thank-you for living the way you lived.
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