Birth Control

Birth Control.

Girls, we've all been through it. For some reason or another, we get put on birth control: Acne, weight, ACTUAL birth control....it doesn't really matter. Point is, is that we're on it, and it makes us CRAZY. Boys, I know you think we're crazy. And I know that there are many decent men out there who will tell us "Honey, no you aren't. Its just a hard thing, you aren't crazy". God bless you. God. Bless. You. But for right now, just sit back, and admit in your head that, yeah, we can get a little out of control. But don't forget that you can't live without us: your canteen doesn't fill by itself, if you know what I'm sayin'.

Alas, I digress. I've been lucky enough to have never had to be on birth control. Yet. And by that, I mean a pill, or some form of medication to make sure those little eggs and sperms don't get too crazy at the high school dance. But earlier this week, I was exposed to some birth control that I am not likely to forget. First of all, marriage is something in the distance for me, so its a good thing that these "baby cravings" (which are VERY rare in the first place) be kept in check.

A few days ago I took my little brother to Seven Peaks for some "fun in the sun". Hootie is 8 years younger than I am, and we are kind of at an age where we don't really connect to anything. We have fun together, and we'll do things as a family, but the age difference is so big that we are just....different. I'm a poor 23 year-old super senior, and he is a 15 year old boy who's main concern is gaining 20 lbs. by the end of the summer. So doing things like going to Seven Peaks is hard for me, because he wants to wait in EVERY line, and do EVERYTHING....where I would be happy laying on my towel for 4 hours napping and reading an Oprah book. So sometimes I have to make a special effort to be "young" and "hip" again, and that's what I had to do. We rented a tube, we went in the wave pool, we floated the lazy river, we rode the slides, we laid on our towels, we did just about everything. And once we got the ball rolling, it wasn't that hard for me to want to participate.

BIRTH CONTROL #1: The Wave Pool
The wave pool was a lot smaller and shallower than I remember it as a kid. Don't get me wrong, I STILL can't touch the bottom at almost any point, but it was just more cramped. Perhaps it was the fact that there were 9 BILLION people at the waterpark that day. No, I'm not exaggerating. There were so many people there, it was hard to walk anywhere. I could not believe it. Anyway, Hootie and I went to the wave pool, and in our attempt to swim our tube to the deepest and most center part of the water, I was kicked in the stomach and face about 4 times from OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN. I know, I know, I'm being a bit dramatic. And were that the only incident, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. As a side note, Hootie has no idea how to swim and pull a tube at the same time. Poor kid needs to be taught how to multi-task, because we were somehow moving backwards as he was trying to pull us forward. As a side note to the side note, my little brother also knew both of the life-guards on duty from school. FROM SCHOOL. Hootie is 15 years old....since when did our lives fall into the hands of 15 year-olds?! They were so little, and both looked identical to Justin Beiber. I mean, I guess that's a plus if you need CPR....who wouldn't want the Biebs to give you the kiss of life in your time of need? Oh wait....that would be me.

BIRTH CONTROL #2: Laying on the Towels
Listen up kids: if you want to grow to a ripe old age, do not step on my towel. Better yet, do not step on ME, while I am laying on my towel. If I stepped on somebody else's towel as a kid, my mom would punish us before we could even blink! Naturally, it blew my mind to see soo many kids feeling so privileged and inconsiderate of other people's towels! (I know, I have become the crotchety old lady down the street!) But I was actually stepped on! How does that happen people, I am a HUMAN BEING, not a towel.

BIRTH CONTROL #3: The Lazy Log in the Lazy River.
I thought things like this only happen in movies, but....they don't. They happen in the real life, in the lazy river, at the Seven Peaks. Hootie and I were peacefully (or not so peacfully) being pushed around the lazy river as we floated along with all of the other adults in the river, when Hootie and I both looked over and noticed something in the water. I was in denial at first: it couldn't have been what I thought it was. But it was. Guys. There was a LOG of POOP floating down the lazy river with us. A LOG OF POOP, PEOPLE! My instincts were to freeze and just stare at it. We watched in horror as people swam under it, beside it, in front of it, over it, *insert every preposition here* it, and didn't notice it. And then suddenly, this little kid with goggles swam right up to it, took his goggles off, picked it up with is right hand, threw it out of the river, and kept on swimming.

WHAT?!?!?!?!

That must have been his poop. It has to have been. As you can imagine, Hootie and I promptly got out of the lazy river and did not return for the rest of the day.

Ok. So....I like kids. I really do. But that day at Seven Peaks was a day of irritating children, and for a few brief hours, I wanted to strangle every child that walked by, and step on every bit of laughter that flew out of their mouths. And by the next day, I had forgotten completely about how irritated those children had made me. Until I think of the Poop. I think that will always irritate me.