You're doing great.

I went to the temple tonight for the first time in a while. What a place that is. I had a lot of thoughts and feelings tonight as I sat there and pondered everything that has happened to me, everything that is currently happening, and everything that will happen. It's hard to wrap my head around all of it because none of it is what I thought it would be, and some of it isn't what I want it to be, and other parts of it I wouldn't trade for anything.

I really love the temple. And to be honest with you, I don't know where that love or dedication came from. My mom goes to the temple once a week, but it was never something that was broadcast to me as a teen/young adult, and so even though she set a good example, I don't feel like that was necessarily a driving force for me because most of the time I didn't even know it was happening. Perhaps it is genetic. Regardless, I have always loved the temple, and found a lot of peace and satisfaction by visiting it often. I used to do baptisms religiously: Temple Tuesday, is what I would call it. I don't know how I did it, but in college (often while working AND performing in shows at night), I would get up at 5 am and go to the temple before my busy day. The thought of doing that now seems almost impossible. But I did it, and I loved it. But life rushes on, and after starting to date somebody, my early-to-bed evenings turned into late nights and getting up at 5am lost all its appeal.

ANYWAY, my point in all of this is that I probably have a stronger testimony of the temple than I do of other principals in the Gospel. I am not the best reader, nor am I the best pray-er at times, but I am VERY passionate about the Temple. Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect, and constantly wrestle with different questions/emotions/doubts regarding the LDS church. But my solution and place of solace is in the Temple, and as strange as things can be, I leave the temple each time with a small feeling of peace and the words "just keep going. you're doing great."

And that, to me, is worth it. Those small feelings of peace and comfort and encouragement are worth the struggle that it can be to maintain my covenants; it is worth the effort it takes to make time and prioritize what is truly important in my life. Life for me is hard right now. I feel the most lost, and the most lonely I have possibly felt in my entire life. Every thing that I have ever found purpose or strength from has disappeared, and everything that I have known has changed to something else. And that is hard. It is hard to keep confidence that I am making the decisions that I feel I need to make (whether I want to or not), and it is hard to wake up each morning and struggle to find purpose in that day. I have full confidence and humility that I can stare you in the eye and say "Do you know what true loneliness and abandonment feels like? Because I do. I know what that feels like."

But as I sat in/left the temple tonight, grateful and sad for my position in life, that little voice just nudged me ever so slightly and said "Just keep going. You're doing great."

And I will take that.