"We won't fight unless we're provoked"

I've said it before, and I will continue to say it until I die: I am not a good writer.

Seriously.

I can't introduce my blogs with witty openings, or make metaphoric parallels between a sea-shell and my life, and have it somehow resemble my thoughts and experiences perfectly. It just doesn't happen.

But I write anyway, and just like the millions of terrible Sacrament talks that begin with "I don't want to be here, the Bishop cornered me, BEAR WITH ME (*swear words*)" and blah blah blah, I begin anyway.

First of all, I had the most amazing work-out today. I don't know what it was, I don't know where the energy came from, but it was pretty stellar. I did my cardio with more energy than I remember having in a long while, and even considered going even longer just for the heck of it. Don't worry, I quickly threw that thought out of my head and stepped off the machine. I had a great upper body workout in the weight room, and for the first time in a long while, I think I will be VERY sore tomorrow. That doesn't happen too often, and I've always rolled my eyes at the men who complain about being sore the next day because of their workout: I always thought to myself "Well, you're a wiener, don't push yourself that hard if you know its going to hurt..."But now I get it. And I LOVE IT.

Unfortunately for me, I came home and ate almost everything in sight, which probably negated any work that I did today. I mean....its fine, because my goal isn't to lose numbers, or drop weight. I just want to be fit and healthy, specifically with my exercise and eating. I try to stay pretty organic (I mean, who can really afford organic these days), and if I'm lucky enough to not eat out as often as I have recently, I try to keep things as raw as possible. I got into a pretty good program when I was with Macbeth, but after about a month and a half of being back, work and school had kicked in and it just got harder and harder to stay motivated and fit. Much to my dismay, I've lost at least half of the progress I made on tour, but am now re-determined to get in control again of what I can, and make the most of it.

Speaking of control, I have a real control problem. Not a control problem like....if I don't win at Rock-Paper-Scizzors or have the house perfectly clean all the time, I would blow your head off.....but more of a "I must control everything in my life" problem. And perhaps problem isn't the most accurate word. I'd say its more of a blessing and a curse. But over the years, I've learned there are lots of things that I can't control, and in the last 2 years, I have tried to overcompensate in other areas. So, I've made a short list of things I will/can control:

• What I eat.
• How I exercise
• My spiritual well-being
• How I spend my money.

A small list, no? Who cares: they are important things to me. As much as I hate seeing people by lazy and care-free/perceivably irresponsible, I do envy them. There has got to be such a joy and pleasure that they find in life that I have not yet been able to experience. But I can guarantee there is a joy and pleasure that I find in life by the way that I live that many cannot understand. I'm used to having every minute of my day blocked out for me: That's how it was growing up, and I have somehow managed to carry that schedule and work-ethic into my adult-life. Right now, that is not the case, and I am learning how to adjust and be happy with where I am and what I do. Elder Uchtorf gave a conference talk recently explaining that our self-worth was not dependent on the size of our to-do list. Oh, what a brutal reality that was when I discovered that he was speaking directly to me. Brutal. But I'm learning to enjoy the free time, though I unintentionally find myself packing my day with as much as possible. Its a lesson that will take me a very long time to really apply. 

Its 9:30 pm, and I am in bed. My little brother is in China, and we haven't been able to find a time to skype since he's been there, but I hope we get to soon. I was his age when I went to Germany, and though I was there for much longer than he will be in China, it is so strange to think that I was so small (physically and emotionally) when all of that happened. I wish I had been more mature at the time to soak in all of the glamour and art that presented itself in Germany, Austria, and Switzerland, but I have to remind myself that I can't expect that much of a little 15 yr. old girl. Hootie says he has become the master of haggling, which comes as no surprise to me.  When I visted Bolivia, I was too scared to haggle. I don't have that kind of personality, and it didn't seem worth it to me. But Hootie swears by it, so I am excited to see what becomes of it.

My roommate Val showed me this video the other day, and I just about died laughing. Its actually very strange, and you probably need to have a bit of a twisted sense of humor to really appreciate it. Maybe I liked it so much because it seems like something I could/would/should have voice-over. Enjoy.

So there it is: Marcel the Shell. 

In all honesty, it kind of reminds me of Salad Fingers, which TOTALLY grossed me out when I first saw it. So perhaps I'm being a bit hypocritical. Whatever.

Goodnight.