Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

I'm not a very profound writer.

My parents always said I was, and always encouraged me to write more.

But....they're supposed to say that.

However, I do enjoy writing. And I find that sometimes I write when I feel very specific emotions. "said" emotions don't necessarily make me a better writer, or make my words flow flawlessly onto a page, but I am aware that I have emotions....and then I write what zips through my brain. It often doesn't make sense: I guess you could call is "word vomit" (I hate the word 'vomit'). But if there is one thing that I AM good at, its word vomiting.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. And really, life is not a life without mistakes. Sometimes, I am a bit more irrational than is true for my character. And by sometimes, I mean....well, sometimes. But when those times occur, it can be deadly. I think too much, and I think too fast. my thoughts are like a hummingbird's heart beat, just zipping around with nothing to stop them. And fast thinking is a good quality: until you realize you can't slow down. As of late, my thoughts have been running marathon after marathon after marathon, and I would love more than ANYTHING to give them a nice little rest.

Mistakes can be a beautiful thing. Lessons learned from mistakes are lessons (in my life) that I will NEVER forget. But do you think it is possible to make mistakes and learn these lessons without ruining everything in its path? Maybe. Maybe not. Do you think it is possible to make mistakes and learn worthwhile lessons without feeling anything? If we could just....skip the hard part and learn? No. And I don't know if I would have it any other way.

I've always been taught that there needs to be opposition in all things. I know that's true. Not in a "I'm bearing my testimony and I KNOW this is true". Its just simple, and it makes sense. Sadness make happiness THAT much better. BUT! It has not been until VERY recently that I truly BELIEVE that. In my mind, knowing and believing are two COMPLETELY different things. But my mind is different than your mind.

Do you think it is possible to say "I'm sorry" too much?

I used to not think so.

But now, I know so. Sorry means something, and from my experience, too many "unsure sorry's" will eventually invalidate the "BIG SORRY" that you really want to matter. Have you ever felt that way about something? You...do what you can, do what you feel, and then when you hit that point, when you hit that....mountain, when you KNOW that THAT is the time that your "sorry" needs to have an impact, you feel down in the deepest part of your gut that it will never have any value anymore.

So what do you do? I'll tell you: I don't know. I don't know what to do. And if I knew what to do, I'd probably just do it, and then write a book and make some money from it. But I just don't have the answers. But seriously, what do you do? Do you walk away? Do you try to explain and work through it? Do you give up because you feel you're the only wanting to try? Do you...eat chocolate chips?

I don't talk a lot.

Alright, that's a big fat lie.

I have a lot to say. And I do talk a lot.

Just....not when it pertains to my emotions or something that would make me vulnerable.

"Vulnerable"

Why does "vulnerable" ring with such a fearful tone in my head?

What does "being vulnerable" mean?

I'll tell you: It means having that "raw edge" of your life come to the surface for others to study. It means allowing other people to have the power to accept or reject a part of your soul, whether is be....bearing your testimony, or sharing your heart, or in an academic or professional setting. And that is scary to us as human beings: the possibility of rejection on any level that even touches on emotion.

But that vulnerability is what allows the beauty of life and happiness and sadness and love and friendship and growth and joy into our lives. Thats what we are here for: to have joy. So if we are not "having joy", what are we having? What are we doing, and how can we fix it?

Well, that's the million dollar question: How do we have joy? I'll tell you again, I'm not sure. Its different for everybody. Joy comes through trial and error. It comes through patience and hard work. It comes through heartache and pain. Because without THOSE things, the joy would mean nothing.

Along with vulnerability, do you know what humans fear most? And if not humans, do you know what Kelly fears most?

Loneliness.

I have a professor that always tells us (of course, speaking of acting) that once our brain has experienced a new idea or has been stretched to a new capacity, it can never go back, thus encouraging us to keep progressing in our art. Because once we've reached a certain point, why bring anything less than that. I apply that to loneliness. I don't know how to explain it, but maybe you will be able to figure it out.

I don't have a conclusion, I don't have a purpose for this blog. I simply type much faster than I would write in a journal.

How 'bout this weather, eh?