Kelly Marie

Mint Oreos and Daisies

2012-02-02T00:06:00.000-07:00

It was kind of a rough day today.

That's a lie.

It was a good day, with a rough part.

I really hate acting. I mean, I really do hate it. And the problem is that I can't live without it. If I wasn't doing what I'm doing, I can honestly say that I don't think I would be doing anything else. I love it. I hate it. I can't seem to find peace with it, and I won't be happy without it. Today in class I did this scene....blah blah blah....I left class feeling like a complete failure, and ready to punch a few specific people in the face for criticizing my work. Oh please Kelly, grow a pair. But its hard--its hard to get up and give what you have, and be immediately told (nicely and not nicely), that its not good enough. Yet. Will it ever be good enough? Well, I sure hope so. Bu right now its not.

And the thing is, is that that's alright. It's alright to not be perfect, and its alright to fail. But it still sucks, and I wish I were more talented.

That really was the rough part of my day. I went to work after class, and sat around talking to Starla for an hour because we were both just a little too tired to do anything productive. I love my job: my job is so "mental-health" friendly, its the greatest blessing ever.

I finished work and went up to get ready for the show. I love my show. I. Love. It. But its getting increasingly harder to find motivation to put my makeup one. Once I'm ready, I'm excited for the show, but its the "getting ready" part that I dread. I feel like I've been at the theater every night since the beginning of September. Though that claim isn't entirely true, its....almost true. And I'm tired: I'm tired of never being home, I'm tired of not making dinner, I'm tired of always having somewhere to be. I like to think that I still perform well and give it my all, but I will be happy to finish my class, or finish my shift at work, and be able to *gasp* go home! or...*gasp* go see a movie! or *gasp* go on a REAL date!

The show was fine tonight. The audience seemed dead to me, but I was proven wrong when they greeted us in the line--they were deceivingly enthusiastic about how much they loved the show. But if you were to ask me while I was on stage what I thought they thought of the show, I would have told you that they hated it. But I guess they didn't, and that's always nice to know.

I also have this really great boyfriend who brought me dinner because I hadn't eaten, left me a bouquet of daisies in my dressing room, and then bought me surprise groceries while I was at my show because I haven't had money to buy them this month....and....haven't really been eating much because of it. Times are tough, ya know? And when in school full time, and working 14 hours a week for an ungodly hourly rate, it gets tight. I'll skip lunches, or breakfast, or dinners if I have to, and I've been drinking a LOT of water and eating a lot of saltine crackers. Do I enjoy that life? Nah. Do I want to live that way forever? No way. But I'm blessed to have such wonderful friends and family in my life to look after me when it gets tough.

I'm so tired.

my thankful thoughts

2012-01-31T00:15:00.003-07:00

January 31, 2012
Today I am thankful for:

my new comforter I got for Christmas
Scriptures
chap stick
my macbook pro
my sewing machine
my large, private room
candles
celexa
Hootie
theater
naps
my education
flowers on my desk

new banner....i'm learning

2012-01-29T22:35:00.000-07:00

Due to the newest addition to my computer, photoshop, (woot!) My blog is under construction. What you see is my experimenting with crap. Don't worry. Thanks for letting it be ugly for a while.

New Years!

2012-01-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year everybody!

I started my first day of class of my LAST SEMESTER OF SCHOOL today, and I couldn't be more exciting. I love my classes (scared!) and I am really excited to spend time with me peers and people I love most. I love my major.

But! With that said, I've been legitimately thinking about new years resolutions, and I actually made some this year! Some are a little far fetched, and might be considered more of a semester goal, but...we'll see! I need to write them down here or somewhere so I will be held accountable for it.

1. Drink more water! Drink at least 3-4 of my water bottles, which would equal over 100 oz's a day.
2. Exercise at the gym at LEAST 4 times a week
3. Not swear as much because I think its funny in the situation.
4. Graduate from college! WOO!
5. Get into the habit of reading before bed.
6. Meditate more, keep anxiety low!
7. pay off my credit card (hopefully by June!)
8. cut soda down, if not completely out!
9. Before freaking out about something, take time to breathe and evaluate the cause of the problem, and what EXACTLY is causing me stress out. Then....if needed, freak out. :)

Those are a few, more to come I'm sure.

Bucket List procrastination

2011-12-17T14:41:00.001-07:00

Hey!

So, its been a long time. In the last 6 months I've done a lot of things, a few of which are on my BUCKET LIST! So, when I get more than a few seconds, I am going to post them and check them off the list. WAHOO!

safe

2011-09-30T10:53:00.000-06:00

In acting, there is this phrase that we used called "making choices". Its real simple, and very trivial. You get on stage, you act and react, and you make choices.

I don't know how else to explain it.

But there are different types of choices. There are safe choices, and risky choices.

"Take a risk! Make a choice!" are things often taught and shouted at us during our "processes". And generally, the risky actors are the ones that people enjoy watching and working with.

Well, the same goes for life.

We make safe choices, and we make risky choices.

I.....make safe choices, and often wonder what my life would be if I were riskier.

"Well, then change! You have the power. Be what you want to be"

Well....I'm working. And I'm slower. But someday, I'll get there.

I'm a dragon

2011-08-19T16:36:00.003-06:00

Last night I was talking with some old friends, and we started discussing Zodiacs and our Chinese Animals. So I decided to do a little bit of research about my year and animal, blah blah blah, and this is what I came up with.

I am a Dragon. What a cool animal. I mean, on the surface, it feels better to say "Yeah, I'm a dragon" instead of "Yeah, I'm a boar, or a rat." With some help from Wikipedia and other tacky websites, I learned quite a bit! I've gone through and narrated what I think is true and not true about myself, but...feel free to disagree. Whatevs.

Personality
Occupying the 5th position in the Chinese Zodiac, the Dragon is the mightiest of the signs (Holla!). Dragons symbolize such character traits as dominance and ambition. Dragons prefer to live by their own rules and if left on their own, are usually successful. (Agreed) They’re driven, unafraid of challenges, and willing to take risks (Depends on the type of risk). They’re passionate in all they do (Yes!) and they do things in grand fashion. Unfortunately, this passion and enthusiasm can leave Dragons feeling exhausted and interestingly, unfulfilled. (Always wanting more, achieving more, not good enough, etc)

While Dragons frequently help others, rarely will they ask for help. (True.) Others are attracted to Dragons, especially their colorful personalities, but deep down, Dragons prefer to be alone (Eh....I don't know if that's always accurate). Perhaps that is because they’re most successful when working alone. Their preference to be alone can come across as arrogance or conceitedness, but these qualities aren’t applicable. Dragons have tempers that can flare fast! (Yes, but see below to the Earth Dragon--control!)

Health
Considering their hard-working nature, Dragons are healthy overall. They do get stressed and suffer from periodic tension/headaches, (I don't think I get tension headaches, but I am very tense. VERY.) likely because they take so many risks. Dragons could benefit from incorporating mild activity into their lives. Yoga or walking would be good as these activities can work both their minds and their bodies.

Career
Dragons prefer leading to being led. (When I was younger, I think this was more true than it is now) Jobs that allow them to express their creativity are good choices. Some good careers include: inventor, manager, computer analyst, lawyer, engineer, architect, broker, and sales person. (None of these Jobs would allow me to express creativity, what a load of crap. Good thing I'm not ANY of those)

Relationships
Dragons will give into love, but won’t give up their independence. Because they have quick, sometimes vengeful tempers, their partners need to be tough-skinned. Dragons enjoy others who are intriguing, and when they find the right partners, they’ll usually commit to that person for life. ("Usually" commit for life? Duh, of course commit for live. No comment on the rest)

(Little did I know that there are 5 different element dragons with 2 specific years, and I'm one of them!)

Earth Dragons – Years 1928 and 1988

More rooted in the ground, Earth Dragons make better decisions because they act more rationally. (I'm very logical and analytical) Earth Dragons are level-headed and able to control their behaviors. They’re more supportive of others, but they prefer being admired by others. (Probably true!)

Pretty cool eh? So I got a little more interested in this EARTH DRAGON, and why its different than an ordinary dragon. So I did some more research!

EARTH DRAGON:
The Earth Dragon is a quieter, more reflective Dragon, He will be appreciative of other's opinions even if he fails to agree with them. He is reasonable in his approach to problems and his leadership is less dictatorial. He is not given to outbursts of temper, but at the same time demands respect. He knows the value of cooperation and is more diplomatic than the other Dragons. He is ambitious, but his initiatives are less hurried and more carefully thought out.

Or how about this?

THE EARTH DRAGON 1928 AND 1988

Earth Dragons make great managers because they are practical, levelheaded and demonstrate a knack for organizing. They still have the need to dictate and be admired, but they are affable, congenial and supportive. Compared to other Dragons, Earth Dragons are less likely to breathe fire at the least irritation. They will work diligently to complete their life goals. The Earth element adds a greater portion of self-control to the Dragon's personality and usually the Earth Dragon is deserving of the respect he or she desires. These Dragons take their life and romantic responsibilities quite seriously.

AT HOME WITH THE DRAGON
Not the most domesticated of the Animal signs, Dragons and may be more content out and about rather than at home. Nevertheless, with their imagination and artistic sense, they can enjoy decorating their home or anywhere else where their extravagance can be expressed.. A Dragon's home should be as large and majestic as his personality, providing space for the fiery temperament or emotional eruptions that accompany their character. (I can accept that)

Dragons Dislike: Taking orders, unnecessary bureaucracy, discounted ideas, people who don't give 100% (This last one is true. I don't know about the others..)

FRIENDS AND ENEMIES

Dragons are usually popular people, but because of their personalities, they seem to gather as much criticism as they do esteem (Wah wah....). Due to their tumultuous temperaments, Dragons are not the most sensitive friends to those in need of a shoulder to cry on (This is both accurate and inaccurate). Those who truly know the Dragon know he is a loving soul who will become your best ally in times of need. Once the dynamic Dragon has given his friendship, he will not let his friends down and will never falter in his allegiance to his companions. To a Dragon, a friend is a friend for a lifetime. Incredibly honest, Dragons are known for sincerity and are trusting souls. Because of this honesty, Dragons don't realize others may not demonstrate or uphold the same codes of ethics. Making the discovery that they placed their trust in someone who is dishonest makes the Dragon person quite sad, yet much more perceptive for future encounters. (Accurate.)

DRAGON INFANT AND CHILD
Dragons, noted for their benevolence, tend to shower their children with toys and spending money. It has been remarked that they substitute material things for quality time with their children. (I wouldn't know, but I hope this isn't entirely true. At least, I hope to make it false) Even so, Dragons take parenting seriously and are quite protective of their children's welfare. Should anything upset them, or should anyone wrong them, the Dragon will prepare to fight and avenge the people who have hurt or belittled their offspring.

LOVERS AND SPOUSES

Negatively, Dragons are egotistical and love to be the center of attention. Modesty is not one of his assets. Add to that the Dragon temper and you have a bossy, dominating and authoritative being. They hate solicited advice and can be hopelessly tactless and insensitive to their lovers. (I think this is false about me. But...What do I know!)

Anyway, all very interesting things. I had fun.

N.Y.C.S.U.C.K.A.S

2011-08-17T16:37:00.000-06:00

So in 6 days, I'm flying to NYC.

By myself.

For 7 Days.

I have a lot of feelings.

I like sweat pants and rain, in that order.

2011-08-05T10:49:00.000-06:00

Things I am excited for:

Curling up on the couch with a blanket on a rainy/snowy day
our fireplace to work
scarves and boots
New York
Shows
The next year of my life (sometimes I'm excited....sometimes I'm not excited...)
new sweat pants
Lunch time
taking Naps on Saturdays or Sunday

Huh. That's weird. I felt like I had tons of things that I was excited about, but now this list looks a little whimpy.

On different notes, Val and I discovered and named three birds living in our chimney: Dale, Marty and Norby. They are there, and they are always listening.

This is my last day in the office working an 8-5, and I am so happy about it. I've been covering all week for the other girl who has been covering for me when I've been off teaching, and I am about to blow something up. I have worked office jobs for the last 5 or 6 years, and I can't remember feeling more antsy than I do now. Perhaps that's because during the school-year, my office time is my only chance to get homework done so I am constantly on-the-go. But...I don't have any homework right now, and all I do is sit on facebook and refresh the home page very couple minutes to see if anybody has updated their status. Seriously. I. DO. THAT. And the worst part is that its all subconscious. I can't believe I have become this pathetic. I'm grateful for my job, and the flexibility it has given me to travel and teach, but if I have to sit here much longer doing nothing, I might freak out a little bit, and I'll never get any sleep because RLS will kill me.

RLS. Now, what a stupid thing to have. I don't have it all the time, but....when it kicks in, it really works me over. There is nothing more irritating than lying in bed and being SO close to falling asleep and not being able to because your legs decide its time to do a little dance, or itch from the inside. Exhausted from the week, I tossed and turned and twitched from about 7pm on last night as I went in and out of sleep, wondering if cutting my legs off would be an ideal solution. After very little conscious deliberation, I concluded that I needed my legs and fell asleep.

So that's that. I love sweat pants and blankets. I love watching Disney movies while its raining. I love my lunch break today, and I am excited for a Saturday of relaxation.

Zupa's on my mind.

2011-08-03T10:56:00.000-06:00

Its a Zupa's kind of day.

Do you know what that means?

Yeah, neither do I. But if I don't get some Zupa's STAT, I'm going to publically lose it. So, in my mind, its a freaking Zupa's kind of day. Don't get in my way, or I will FORREALS kill you. Forreals.

"Escape Artist"

2011-07-27T01:40:00.000-06:00

I was once taught that I need to "live life every, every moment".

Unfortunately, I sometimes forget to do that.

And it isn't until months later when I hear an amazing cellist play a piece of very familiar music that I think to myself "Kelly, you really missed out on some beautiful, beautiful things."

And I go to bed feeling rejuvenated, discouraged, and contemplative on how to make up for lost time.

By Their Fruits Ye Shall Know Them

2011-07-23T23:39:00.002-06:00

"Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Wherefore, by their fruits ye shall know them" -- Matthew 7:16, 18. 20.

I've always known my dad loved trees. When he lived in California, he raised exotic fruit trees in his backyard: loquats, guava, fig, pomegranate, tangerine, persimmons, and just about everything else. He treated them like his children. When we moved to our new house in Orem, Utah, there was a plum tree by the mailbox that had never given fruit. The previous owners told him it was an "ornamental" tree, not meant to bear fruit. My father smiled. "That," he said, "is because you don't water it correctly. He immediately began to work on that little plum tree. He cut it back, fed it, and started watering it at the drip-line where the farthest branches hung. That next summer, his little plum tree was loaded with delicious purple plums.

My father taught his kids to care for trees, just like his father had taught him. When I was little I would tag along with Dad to the local orchard wearing my juice-stained chest bag to hold my fruit so I wouldn't drop or damage any of it. He taught me the right way to pick apples, how to swipe my index finger gently across the top of the apple where the stem was connected to the spur. With a little bit of a twist and flick, the apple could come off without pulling or breaking the spur, and fruit could e grown the next year on the preserved spur. I remember when he taught me the importance of thinning peaches and how it upset me to have to throw away good little peaches. "It's always better," my dad explained, "to have 2,000 perfect peaches than a million tiny bruised ones"

I've always known how much my father cared about trees, but it wasn't until 6 years ago that I found out why. "Just after you were born," he told me, " I planted a Jonathan Apple for you, and I planted a nectarine tree after your brother was born." He had never told anybody before; it was his personal secret. I've learned that it represented how he felt about being a parent. "When you give good things to a tree and you care for it properly, it produces good fruit."

The same thing goes for children.

When I was seven years old, I was punished for lying about stealing the fruit gushers from under my parent's bed. My punishment: sitting on the toilet. I don't know why it was on the toilet instead of on my bed; maybe the bathroom was the only place in the house where I wouldn't have fun. On the back of the toilet there was a cooking timer set for sixty minutes. I remember changing the clock a few minutes ahead in hopes of shortening my punishment. When the timer went off, I ran down to my dad's office holding the timer with the biggest smile on my face, proud of my accomplishment for out-witting my father. "Dad, I'm done. Cant I go play now?"

Dad looked at his watch and said "Kelly, you have another sixteen minutes. Reset the timer to sixty and start over." I was horrified. How could he possibly ground me two times in a row? The way my father parented, it didn't pay to cheat. It didn't occur to me then that it would have been much easier for him to just let me go. He didn't have to sit there ad police my punishment for another hour. But raising kids, like growing trees, takes a long time and much effort. And a tree-grower knows that if a sapling is allowed to lean even a little bit as it grows, it will grow crooked and quite possibly fall.

Sometimes when my father grounded me for a day or made me write fifty times in cursive "I will always do my chores correctly and not lie about them," I felt wronged because my younger brother, Hootie, never got those punishments. But Hootie had a stronger conscience than I ever had. If he ever did something wrong, he would tell on himself, and my dad would let Hootie figure out his own punishment. Its like my father told me: "You have to know what a specific type of tree needs and when it needs it." I guess my father knew us well enough to know that David's conscious was punishment enough. I would cry because I'd been caught. Hootie would cry because he did it.

Some of dad's lessons sank in without me knowing it. In high school when I had to make choices between gymnastics, dance, performing, basketball, volleyball, and scholastics--all things that were very important to me--I knew I had to let a few go. It's better to do a few things right than let everything get "bruised."

During a basketball game in high school, I remember stealing the ball and driving down the court for the score. From the side-line where I was running, I could hear my father's voice yelling "All the way, Kelly! All the way!" I scored, and on my way back down the court, I glanced over to where he was sitting. He was nodding and smiling a very familiar smile; it was the same smile he wore when we would pick fruit together. Its the same smile he gets when he's cutting back his fruit trees, the same smile he had on his face when he made me write cursive, and sent me back to redo my sixty minutes in the bathroom. I think I've begun to understand what that smile might mean. It has something to do with being a steward, with taking care of something that without care would die, go wild, or grow itself to death. It has to do with helping a tree be more than just an ornamental tree, helping it bear good fruit.

I was born to bear good fruit.

Lists, lists. LISTS. and a Travalo review

2011-07-20T16:25:00.001-06:00

Remember how much I love lists?

I LOVE LISTS.

Seriously.

I can't get enough of them. I love making to-do lists, shopping lists, anything that I can "check something off" of.

So I'm sitting at work with my eyes burning, thinking of different lists to make. Here's one:

Things I am NOT allowed to buy at the grocery store for whatever reason:

Sun-dried Tomato Wheat Thins and Cottage Cheese-- a guilty pleasure people, it won't last me three days.
Potato Chips
Oreos -- unless I'm making Oreo truffles, a.k.a. Oreogasms....bahaha.
Soda, specifically Dr. Pepper and Sprite. This isn't a big issue because I'm not a big soda fan, but...sometimes.....just sometimes...
Any sort of candy. If I don't buy it, I won't eat it, and that will be better for everybody.
Grandma Sycamore's white bread. Holy crap. That bread is so good, and I promise you that I will eat the whole loaf within a few days.
Chocolate Almond Milk. Though....this is a good little drink/treat when the sweet-tooth kicks in.

Ok, so I recognize the list isn't that long. But that's still a fair amount of things that I will not let myself buy at the grocery store! Give me some credit, eh?

Ok, next list.

Things that make me feel better:

Flowers. I. Love. Flowers.
singing/music
Craft stores--walking through the Hobby Lobby, or Roberts, or anyplace like that is so theraputic for me.
Barnes and Noble. I love spending time there.
Vanilla Bean Frappuccino from Starbucks (coffee free suckas!)
A clean bedroom
Pineapple/any fruit
Zupas
Sleep
Waterfalls/hiking to waterfalls
Peanut Butter
Baking
Acting
Excercise
Flying sport kites
Being in the sun
Writing in my Journal
Movies
Massages (Heyooh!)
Cuddling. (When its merited)

See? Such good things! Next list.

Things that bug me:

Rude comments about homosexuals.
When people don't know how to use to, too, two, there, their, they're, your, you're. MAKES. ME. CRAZY.
when people choose not to listen or pay attention
Girls who put on makeup to go to the gym.
Bad drivers (I might be one of them, I am fully aware)
people who constantly commit to things, and then flake out. If you're going to flake, don't commit. And its not a one-time thing, it's when it happens almost every time.
Children who are raised to feel entitled.
Sore throats
Messy kitchens
periods
People who want to "fix" me, because I'm not what they want me to be.
the Jackass who told me I was weird and thought that Popsicle were an Asian thing. Who knew.
When I don't live up to my full potential, every minute.
When I forget to live life, every, every minute.
Feeling insecure
How much of a pansy I am when I get really sick. Ugh. Grow a pair, Kelly.
Mushrooms. Seriously? Sick.
When my little brother is rude to my mom. But he's a teenager, so...I have to keep that in check, and remember that I wasn't the softest teddy bear in my day.

My eyes are going to EXPLODE! Who knew that staring at a computer screen all afternoon could be so terrible!

Also, my friend Jace just messaged me and said he found a review I did FOREVER ago for this travalo thing...and I can't stop laughing at how stupid I am, but...here it is. And all jokes aside, I really do LOVE this travalo perfume thing. I use it all the time. For. Reals.

"We won't fight unless we're provoked"

2011-07-18T21:40:00.001-06:00

I've said it before, and I will continue to say it until I die: I am not a good writer.

Seriously.

I can't introduce my blogs with witty openings, or make metaphoric parallels between a sea-shell and my life, and have it somehow resemble my thoughts and experiences perfectly. It just doesn't happen.

But I write anyway, and just like the millions of terrible Sacrament talks that begin with "I don't want to be here, the Bishop cornered me, BEAR WITH ME (*swear words*)" and blah blah blah, I begin anyway.

First of all, I had the most amazing work-out today. I don't know what it was, I don't know where the energy came from, but it was pretty stellar. I did my cardio with more energy than I remember having in a long while, and even considered going even longer just for the heck of it. Don't worry, I quickly threw that thought out of my head and stepped off the machine. I had a great upper body workout in the weight room, and for the first time in a long while, I think I will be VERY sore tomorrow. That doesn't happen too often, and I've always rolled my eyes at the men who complain about being sore the next day because of their workout: I always thought to myself "Well, you're a wiener, don't push yourself that hard if you know its going to hurt..."But now I get it. And I LOVE IT.

Unfortunately for me, I came home and ate almost everything in sight, which probably negated any work that I did today. I mean....its fine, because my goal isn't to lose numbers, or drop weight. I just want to be fit and healthy, specifically with my exercise and eating. I try to stay pretty organic (I mean, who can really afford organic these days), and if I'm lucky enough to not eat out as often as I have recently, I try to keep things as raw as possible. I got into a pretty good program when I was with Macbeth, but after about a month and a half of being back, work and school had kicked in and it just got harder and harder to stay motivated and fit. Much to my dismay, I've lost at least half of the progress I made on tour, but am now re-determined to get in control again of what I can, and make the most of it.

Speaking of control, I have a real control problem. Not a control problem like....if I don't win at Rock-Paper-Scizzors or have the house perfectly clean all the time, I would blow your head off.....but more of a "I must control everything in my life" problem. And perhaps problem isn't the most accurate word. I'd say its more of a blessing and a curse. But over the years, I've learned there are lots of things that I can't control, and in the last 2 years, I have tried to overcompensate in other areas. So, I've made a short list of things I will/can control:

What I eat.
How I exercise
My spiritual well-being
How I spend my money.

A small list, no? Who cares: they are important things to me. As much as I hate seeing people by lazy and care-free/perceivably irresponsible, I do envy them. There has got to be such a joy and pleasure that they find in life that I have not yet been able to experience. But I can guarantee there is a joy and pleasure that I find in life by the way that I live that many cannot understand. I'm used to having every minute of my day blocked out for me: That's how it was growing up, and I have somehow managed to carry that schedule and work-ethic into my adult-life. Right now, that is not the case, and I am learning how to adjust and be happy with where I am and what I do. Elder Uchtorf gave a conference talk recently explaining that our self-worth was not dependent on the size of our to-do list. Oh, what a brutal reality that was when I discovered that he was speaking directly to me. Brutal. But I'm learning to enjoy the free time, though I unintentionally find myself packing my day with as much as possible. Its a lesson that will take me a very long time to really apply.

Its 9:30 pm, and I am in bed. My little brother is in China, and we haven't been able to find a time to skype since he's been there, but I hope we get to soon. I was his age when I went to Germany, and though I was there for much longer than he will be in China, it is so strange to think that I was so small (physically and emotionally) when all of that happened. I wish I had been more mature at the time to soak in all of the glamour and art that presented itself in Germany, Austria, and Switzerland, but I have to remind myself that I can't expect that much of a little 15 yr. old girl. Hootie says he has become the master of haggling, which comes as no surprise to me. When I visted Bolivia, I was too scared to haggle. I don't have that kind of personality, and it didn't seem worth it to me. But Hootie swears by it, so I am excited to see what becomes of it.

My roommate Val showed me this video the other day, and I just about died laughing. Its actually very strange, and you probably need to have a bit of a twisted sense of humor to really appreciate it. Maybe I liked it so much because it seems like something I could/would/should have voice-over. Enjoy.

So there it is: Marcel the Shell.

In all honesty, it kind of reminds me of Salad Fingers, which TOTALLY grossed me out when I first saw it. So perhaps I'm being a bit hypocritical. Whatever.

Goodnight.

I feel...

2011-06-30T14:43:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, I feel like this.

Not today. But....sometimes. This poor little doggy was just shocked with his shock-collar.

I don't get that.

Poor little guy...

HOOTIE = Way cooler than I was.

2011-06-27T09:53:00.000-06:00

So I have this little brother.

His name is Hootie.

If you want to see how cool he is, you can go to this link HERE.. I posted this about a year and half ago. OR, you could go to this link right

I've been thinking alot about family lately, and what I can do to fix or make things better between my siblings aand I. I don't really know what that would be, but....I'm tryin'.

Hootie and I are 8 years apart. All of the children in my family are fairly spread out, so....sometimes growing up, it felt like we were the only kids. We are at such different points in our lives, so that is a blessing, but also sometimes kind of hard. Despite the year difference, my older brother Sean (27) and Hootie (15) seem to be best friends. When we are all together, its a fun "boys" party for them. They talk, they laugh, they joke, they blow things up, they tease each other, they tease everybody else, and it is SOOO GREAT to see them getting along so well, especially as Sean used to be a bit more distant than he is now.

Its hard being out of the house, yet having family so close. Its like I'm there, but not really. If my little brother has a vocal recital, or a basketball game, or a play, or a festival, or WHATEVER....I have the opportunity to go see him! The only problem is that because I'm not "there" or " at home", I'm often forgot about, and nobody informs me of these things until the day of, or the hour before, which isn't enough time to clear my schedule and come. I know it makes me look ilke I don't care, or unsupportive of Hootie, but...I just wish that I had more notice.

Hootie is at a hard age. Being 15.....well, it sucks. I've been there, I know. It seems like everybody is yelling at you, that you can't do anything right, and all you want to do is be with your friends. But I've said it once, and I'll say it again: My little brother is really amazing. He is so talented at everything. He's a MUCH better singer and performer than I was at his age, (and probably will be when he's older), he's very atheletic and has perfected so many talents and skills that I would only dream of having. He has lots of friends, and he's pretty darn funny. He is very caring and thoughtful of other people, especially his friends. He is considerate of other people's feelings, and also, very sensitive to his own. Which....I think is a great thing. He's a great role model for his little second cousin's Ethan and Aiden (Who absolutely ADORE him), and he continues to grow older and and figure things out slowly. Unfortunately, Hootie and I have grown a little distant in the last year or so....mostly because of age and difference. Both of us are at an age where we're trying to figure ourselves out, and doing so sometimes leaves me not thinking about his or other feelings, and how sensative it is to be a teenager. I can't wait to see Hootie grow older and see what amazing things he decides to do with his life. In July he's going to China to represent his school, and I could not be more excited for him. He works hard in school, he gets almost perfect grades (better than mine, and I did pretty darn well!), and I have no doubt that if he continues to grow and work hard, it will pay off. I couldn't ask for a better younger brother. The sad part, is that he doesn't really know or understand how amazing he is and what potential he has. Maybe someday I can tell him that without him shruggin it off and sayin "yeah....wull, whatever. Thanks I guess." Because....seriuosly. The kid is a stud.

A couple weeks ago, we went to SEven Peaks together, and I wish we could do more things like that. I work in the afternoons, and he's got his friends and summer-fun planned out, but....it would be so fun to get closer to my little brother again, like we used to be. But its ok. Because....we'll get there. And even though we had one heck of a time pulling out that tube in the wave pool, (we had a good laugh!) and there was poop in the lazy river, Hootie taught me how to be young again, and how to have fun....something I wouldn't have had if I were to just lay on a towl and read Oprah. Sometimes I think I act older than I need to be, so having a guy like Hootie around to keep me on my toes might be just what I need in order to be a better sibling.

I love being around my family. I think they are wonderful, wonderful people. Sure, there are a lot of years between each of us, and we are at such different stages in our lives but....we''re still family, and I would do anything for any of them.

Would you like to help me win a scooter by July First?!

2011-06-26T01:09:00.000-06:00

Its soo easy!

I am in this contest, and whoever gets the most "likes" on facebook on their specific post, wins a scooter. Um, a free scooter for getting people to like/read my post? 2 words: HELL YEAH.

So...Here's the low-down: My old school is giving away a scooter to those who write a post about their memories from school or what that school taught them. It ends July 1st, at 10am, and whoever gets the most likes by that time will have won the scooter. I entered the competition Friday evening (though everybody else started when the competition started, which was around June 10. BUT...I am only 70 likes away from being in the lead....and with your help, I could win this scooter! Besides, I might need to sell my car, so....this would be a blessing. (Just thought I'd throw in some mormon lingo...)

So if you are willing to help, you just need to "Like" two things on facebook (2! That's it!) and that will help

GO to this site: http://www.facebook.com/MeridianSchool (or, search for "Meridian School" in the facebook search, and you'll see it.

LIKE THIS PAGE

NEXT, this is the most important part....Go to the page's wall, and find a post from me called "My Mascot was a Mongoose". and......"LIKE" MY POST. If you can't find it on the page, don't give up, because IT IS THERE.

And that's all you have to do! SEriously, is that easy or what? I REALY think that I could jump in the lead in the next day or two, and get far enough ahead, so...what do you say. HElp a sister out?

I would really appreciate it!

Birth Control

2011-06-17T09:08:00.000-06:00

Birth Control.

Girls, we've all been through it. For some reason or another, we get put on birth control: Acne, weight, ACTUAL birth control....it doesn't really matter. Point is, is that we're on it, and it makes us CRAZY. Boys, I know you think we're crazy. And I know that there are many decent men out there who will tell us "Honey, no you aren't. Its just a hard thing, you aren't crazy". God bless you. God. Bless. You. But for right now, just sit back, and admit in your head that, yeah, we can get a little out of control. But don't forget that you can't live without us: your canteen doesn't fill by itself, if you know what I'm sayin'.

Alas, I digress. I've been lucky enough to have never had to be on birth control. Yet. And by that, I mean a pill, or some form of medication to make sure those little eggs and sperms don't get too crazy at the high school dance. But earlier this week, I was exposed to some birth control that I am not likely to forget. First of all, marriage is something in the distance for me, so its a good thing that these "baby cravings" (which are VERY rare in the first place) be kept in check.

A few days ago I took my little brother to Seven Peaks for some "fun in the sun". Hootie is 8 years younger than I am, and we are kind of at an age where we don't really connect to anything. We have fun together, and we'll do things as a family, but the age difference is so big that we are just....different. I'm a poor 23 year-old super senior, and he is a 15 year old boy who's main concern is gaining 20 lbs. by the end of the summer. So doing things like going to Seven Peaks is hard for me, because he wants to wait in EVERY line, and do EVERYTHING....where I would be happy laying on my towel for 4 hours napping and reading an Oprah book. So sometimes I have to make a special effort to be "young" and "hip" again, and that's what I had to do. We rented a tube, we went in the wave pool, we floated the lazy river, we rode the slides, we laid on our towels, we did just about everything. And once we got the ball rolling, it wasn't that hard for me to want to participate.

BIRTH CONTROL #1: The Wave Pool
The wave pool was a lot smaller and shallower than I remember it as a kid. Don't get me wrong, I STILL can't touch the bottom at almost any point, but it was just more cramped. Perhaps it was the fact that there were 9 BILLION people at the waterpark that day. No, I'm not exaggerating. There were so many people there, it was hard to walk anywhere. I could not believe it. Anyway, Hootie and I went to the wave pool, and in our attempt to swim our tube to the deepest and most center part of the water, I was kicked in the stomach and face about 4 times from OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN. I know, I know, I'm being a bit dramatic. And were that the only incident, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. As a side note, Hootie has no idea how to swim and pull a tube at the same time. Poor kid needs to be taught how to multi-task, because we were somehow moving backwards as he was trying to pull us forward. As a side note to the side note, my little brother also knew both of the life-guards on duty from school. FROM SCHOOL. Hootie is 15 years old....since when did our lives fall into the hands of 15 year-olds?! They were so little, and both looked identical to Justin Beiber. I mean, I guess that's a plus if you need CPR....who wouldn't want the Biebs to give you the kiss of life in your time of need? Oh wait....that would be me.

BIRTH CONTROL #2: Laying on the Towels
Listen up kids: if you want to grow to a ripe old age, do not step on my towel. Better yet, do not step on ME, while I am laying on my towel. If I stepped on somebody else's towel as a kid, my mom would punish us before we could even blink! Naturally, it blew my mind to see soo many kids feeling so privileged and inconsiderate of other people's towels! (I know, I have become the crotchety old lady down the street!) But I was actually stepped on! How does that happen people, I am a HUMAN BEING, not a towel.

BIRTH CONTROL #3: The Lazy Log in the Lazy River.
I thought things like this only happen in movies, but....they don't. They happen in the real life, in the lazy river, at the Seven Peaks. Hootie and I were peacefully (or not so peacfully) being pushed around the lazy river as we floated along with all of the other adults in the river, when Hootie and I both looked over and noticed something in the water. I was in denial at first: it couldn't have been what I thought it was. But it was. Guys. There was a LOG of POOP floating down the lazy river with us. A LOG OF POOP, PEOPLE! My instincts were to freeze and just stare at it. We watched in horror as people swam under it, beside it, in front of it, over it, *insert every preposition here* it, and didn't notice it. And then suddenly, this little kid with goggles swam right up to it, took his goggles off, picked it up with is right hand, threw it out of the river, and kept on swimming.

WHAT?!?!?!?!

That must have been his poop. It has to have been. As you can imagine, Hootie and I promptly got out of the lazy river and did not return for the rest of the day.

Ok. So....I like kids. I really do. But that day at Seven Peaks was a day of irritating children, and for a few brief hours, I wanted to strangle every child that walked by, and step on every bit of laughter that flew out of their mouths. And by the next day, I had forgotten completely about how irritated those children had made me. Until I think of the Poop. I think that will always irritate me.

A new Leaf

2011-06-16T10:14:00.000-06:00

Alright, I have been wallowing in my own selfish needs for FAR too long, and so I'm turning over a new leaf. Happiness is a choice. And I'm making it. Watch out.

The light at the end of a dark, dark tunnel.

2011-06-10T20:55:00.000-06:00

I've learned a lot of valuable things in my life. And if I could remember every single one of them, I think that would spare me a lot of time and pain. But that's not how it works, and in all honesty, I don't think I would want it that way. The hidden blessing about learning things over and over again, is that you each time, the meaning etches just a little bit deeper than the time before, and the a tiny surface of a gem is uncovered. Unfortunately for me, I don't know if that gem will ever get a chance to surface because there are just too many layers of "ish" to get through.

So let me say it again:

I've learned so mant things in my life. And if I could just throw them up and out of my body to this page, I would. But...I can't. I'm so overwhelmed with so many emotions that they are just crowding each other down, and my ability to express anything is clogged shut. I wish I could elaborate on how I couldn't look at my dad in the eyes today without wanting to cry. And I wish I could elaborate as to why I couldn't let myself start crying in front of my own father. I wish I could go into detail about the beautiful performance of Anne Frank today, and how I wish I could tell the world that we need to "remember to live life, every, every moment". I wish I could explain how worried I am about my life and how I don't see how anything could possibly work out in my favor. I wish I could write about all the beautiful blessings that are ever present. I wish I could make you understand the uncertainty that is filling every single corner of my being. But I can't. I don't have the words. *shrugs* They just won't come.

So instead, I sit in the HFAC, watching the people and the art around me, convincing myself that everything will be alright; convincing myself that I'm there is a light at the end of the tunnel.....but its just really, really dark until then. And then I see David Morgan, and and we have the usual "Where the hell have you been" talk, and I think to myself "Well, if Dave can keep gettin' his butt and doing this, I can do."

So I carry on, making a mental note that we need to get that man a new blazer.

California 2011

2011-06-04T15:18:00.000-06:00

So I have a 10 page paper draft due on monday. Go ahead and ask me how many pages I have. Go ahead. Oh that's right....one. I have ONE PAGE. And to make things easier on myself (since there will be zero time besides today to write this paper), I will blog about my anxiety and waste precious time instead. It only makes sense.

Last weekend I was able to jump in the car with some roomies and bust out of Utah on a nice little road trip to California. Despite finances, it was just what the doctor ordered. We had such a great time away from everything, and meeting new people. We stayed with Val's best friend Emily and her husband, and they were so fun and generous. Our weekend was perfect because of them (and hopefully they enjoyed out company too!)

First stop: Beaver.

We spent two whole days on the beach, but I don't have copies of those pictures. They are on my roommates camera, which is another reminder to me as to why I HATE not having my camera with me at all times. Below is the nastiest, most delicious chili cheese dog I've ever tasted. Emily and Jim took us to L.A. to a little place called Pink's. I could not believe the grease that was overtaking this food! It was definitely worth it, but Val and I felt the consequences for a good 4 days after....

Val, gettin' a little haircut from Emily.

Day 2: Bonfire at the beach. So windy and cold, but so much fun!

And this is what happens when you miss a spot on your back....or, rather, don't spray all the way down your back with sunscreen. It hurt SO bad, and even now, I am so dry and itchy. For everybody yearning for a little TMI, I am currently peeling like a snake, and wish that I could go bra-less for 2 weeks.

Ah yes, the "boys". We spent a great deal of time with Jim's family, and they were HILARIOUS. This is Jake and Benj, playing Just Dance 2. I think we danced for about 4 hours that night, and these guys never disappointed us with their performance. Please see the video below for a little sample.

I am so thankful for such great friends and the chance to "have some fun". My roommates and I had some really great experiences, and some really crucial realizations. I learned a lot of things about myself on that trip, and can already see the changes in my life taking place, and I am so happy for that.

Well...I think I'll find something else to distract myself from this 10 page paper....Cheers.

THUMBS UP FOR ROCK AND ROLL!

2011-06-03T15:09:00.000-06:00

So I was doing some things on my laptop, when an email popped up from my dad with this little video in it. Some kids absolutely amaze me. If you believe in yourself, he'll believe in you too. Thumbs up for Rock and Roll! *speech impediment implied*

The MD (No, not the doctor kind)

2011-06-02T11:12:00.000-06:00

Some of you may remember my post last year entitled "Why are you so weird?" involving the pleasant fellow I met at the pool (whom we call Humpty). I was browsing the web this morning, and found this blog post that reminded me of this fellow, and felt.....a......a moral obligation to re-post this. Don't get your panties in a bunch, there is absolutely no intention of offending anybody, and for all you know, I could hate this article. But...give it a gander and decide for yourself. I had a good chuckle, and think that you will too.

Just to be clear, this is not my writing (though I wish it were), and if you like it, you should check our her blog HERE. I like her style, and I love her thoughts.

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unfortunately, not endangered.

Internet, are you watching The Bachelorette? You should. Don't worry, you can listen to NPR after if you need to. (Listening to NPR after watching The Bachelorette is like taking the morning after pill after having unprotected sex. Doesn't make having unprotected sex a good idea, but at least you won't get pregnant/permanently annihilate brains cells you may need later.)

Was that too raunchy of an analogy? I don't know anymore. I spend so much time being perfectly neutral and teen-appropriate all day, my filters are wonky. Judging space, should you require it:______________________________________________________________
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Anyway, for those of you not watching The Bachelorette, let me introduce you to an excellent contestant.

Meet contestant Bentley Williams. Bentley is a 28 year old divorced Mormon, BYU alum ( he has a degree in...wait for it... Family and Consumer Sciences. Just kidding, in Finance.) He has a daughter named Cozy, and an ex-wife who sells headbands on Etsy. Hobbies include general misogyny, being jealous of guys who get more attention than him, hair products, and plaid.

People seem unusually confused by Bentley's behavior on the show,since it is extraordinarily douchey, even by reality TV standards. But it really is not that hard to explain. Bentley is a textbook example of a rare specimen of Mormon maleness known as the Mormonus Douche Maximus, or Mormon Douche.

How can you tell if you or a loved one is dating a Mormon Douche? Here are a few tell-tale signs of the species:

1. Mormon Douches give good face. In public, especially around their significant other, they are often charming, overly-polite, and gregarious. It is only behind your back that the Mormon Douche will rank your physical appearance, try to date your younger sister while simultaneously flirting with you, and text his ex-girlfriend. This can make a MD incredibly difficult to spot, so be on the lookout for other signs.

2. On the surface, MDs appear to be devoted to their religion. They will have served a mission, and will brag about being Zone Leader or AP. (They will not mention that they worked in the President's office solely so that their Mission President can babysit them for two years after catching them making out with the Bishop's daughter.)

While seemingly devout on the surface, they have strange little exceptions made to suit their needs.

For instance, an MD will openly criticize people who watch Modern Family, since it clearly supports a malevolent Gay Agenda. However, they have no problem watching Californication, or anything featuring hot girls, boobs, and bikini's.

3. Likewise, they will assure you that their porn problem is "taken care of," but still be unusually interested in shows produced by HBO. Mysteriously, you will find much from the "Adult Chanel" on their Netflix queue.

4. Naturally, a true MD will major in Finance, Dentistry, Law, or Medicine. He will have average grades, but excess charm, and will temporarily be wildly successful. However, a few failed tests will result in a sudden interest in alarm systems.

5. The MD will promptly quote Church talks or Proclamations that support a woman staying at home with her children, mostly because he doesn't want to have to compete with them in his Macro Economics class, Law School, or Medical School.

6. While MDs can and are often found outside of Provo, the isolated and often inbred species, Mormonus Provoian Douche Maximus will only be interested in dating UVU students, hairstylists, or Nail Technicians. This is not met to degrade any of the previously mentioned females, but simply a reflection of the more insidious characteristics of an MD: they don't like to compete with others, especially their wives. They will actively seek a mate who is perceived to be less intelligent in their eyes. Bonus points if they actually fulfill the dream.

Allow me to clarify: a true Mormon Douche is highly competitive with other males, but would combust if forced to compete at home. Prolonged interaction with female missionaries, engineering students, and professors (all known by Mormon Douches as "bitches,") would cause his head to explode. Survival instinct and an intense urge to propagate the species makes the successful female a natural enemy to the Mormon Douche.

7. Similar to the trait examined in #5, Mormon Douches are drawn to older Church Doctrine that most find wildly outdated/offensive. He uses quotes and snippets from such talks (Think Packer, McConkie, and Benson,) to support embarrassing beliefs involving racism, homophobia, and general misogyny.

8. Mormon Douches generally fear, and simultaneously admire the Gay Population. They fear them because they sense common ground on certain stereotypical standards: hair, clothing, and gym equipment, the same things they often surreptitiously admire. This causes them to question their masculinity, leading to outbursts involving the words "fag," "queer," an"that's sooooooo gay." They will assure you they do not "mean it."

9. At one point, all Mormon Douches wore pukka shell jewelry.

10. At one point, all Mormon Douches popped their collars, often popped multiple collars, and perhaps tried on their girlfriend's jeans. Just to see.

While sightings of the Mormonus Douche Maximus are frequent, any first hand experience or expertise in contributing to the analysis of this fascinating species is welcome in the comments. Good luck, Ashley H., you were doomed the day you signed up for Dental School.

_______________________________

Was I right, or was I right? If anything, worth a good laugh!

CHELSIE SHEFLO!

2011-05-27T22:23:00.000-06:00

So I will let the pictures do the talking, but 2 days ago, my old roommate and very dear friend Chelsie Johnson got married to Michael Sheflo in the Salt Lake Temple. The temple/luncheon/reception was absolutely beautiful, and Chelsie was as gorgeous as ever. It was so great to spend a day with dear friends and see our Chelsie so happy!

I was lucky enough to babysit little Caron while Kate and Peter went to the sealing in the Temple. It was so much fun walking around the temple grounds with this little stud, and having all of the cute couples (young, old, and missionaries) think that he was my own! "My, you make a beautiful boy!" "Look how handsome he is!" "Oh he is just adorable, what's his name?" Strong work Kate and Pete, strong work. Call me crazy, but it was just easier to make them feel (and me!) like they were sincerely complimenting me. But...can you blame me for wanting to put him in my pocket?

The sister missionaries did have a couple conversations with me about families being eternal and the importance of being sealed in the temple. It was then that it occurred to me that I had a little boy, with no husband or ring, on the temple grounds. They were just doing their job. Don't worry Sisters, I'm still on the straight and narrow!

And....the happy couple! I know I'm no photographer, and that my camera is old, and all of these pictures are blurry. But just look past my imperfections, please and thank-you.

Chelsie was sooo beautiful. Look how happy she is!

Cutting the cake, and......

BOOM! IN YOUR FACE SHEFLO!

Couple's first dance.

HEYOO!

And....the car. Well done girls, well done.

What is my deal?

2011-05-22T21:43:00.000-06:00

So here's the thing: I am going through a really rough patch right now, and I don't know how to get out of it.

Awkwardness.

No, seriously.

I know what you're thinking: "Kelly, you are already awkward" or "tell us something we don't know" or "Kelly, you're crazy, we know that"

But I'm not talking about "normal". I am seriously going through the worst patch of awkward right now, and it is REALLY stressing me out: anybody I meet, I'm SO AWKWARD. I don't know what my deal is. Boys, Girls, ANYBODY, the awkwardness just shoots out of my eyeballs and I can't stop it. Anything I audition for, I'm SO awkward. I mumble, I give the wrong impression, I'm nervous, I....I don't even know how to explain it. Anybody I talk to on the phone with, I'm awkward.

I don't know what to do, and I'm really, really discouraged about it. What is my deal. I just want to be my "normal 'awkward'". Not this.....crap. Its really sucking up my energy because I'm worrying about it so much.

What.

On.

Earth.

I don't get it

2011-05-20T09:59:00.000-06:00

Things I don't understand:

People who jog at night time. Alone. In the rain.
Why people keep doing things that make them unhappy
Couples in relationships that know they shouldn't be together
Dating
rude people
rain for 10 days in a row
people who behave rudely for no reason
group auditions
when I wake up and the house is 82 degrees
air conditioner in the winter
heaters on during the summer

Rain, Rain, Go AWAY

2011-05-19T08:29:00.000-06:00

In case you didn't know, this is what the weather has been doing:

And......THIS, is how I feel about it:

Just a day

2011-05-17T12:15:00.001-06:00

Studyin' in the Tanner Building.

Gonna find me a Business Major, HEYO.

Ahaha, just kidding.

Kinda.

MIDGE.....

2011-05-16T19:08:00.000-06:00

See this?

This is called a Biting Gnat.

Last Saturday, I did a film shoot all over Salt Lake and out on Antelope Island, and these little buggers were everywhere.

Because I was in my bathing suit for the entire evening, on the beach of a lake, (and despite all amounts of bug spray), my neck and back itch and hurt like crazy because of these things.

Dear Biting Gnats. Hate your face. Not love, Kelly.

DING DING DING! BUCKET LIST SUCCESS

2011-05-16T08:44:00.000-06:00

Well everybody, I did it! Since creating my Bucket List (see above tabs), I have had the opportunity to do something on my list!

Item number 67: Send off balloons in the air with a note attached to it

CHECK!

The nature of this event makes it seem ironic that I am so happy about it, but let me explain:

While I was writing this bucket list, I kept telling myself, "Well, this might be lame, because you could just go buy some balloons and write a note on it." But I kept having this internal debate as to whether or not I wanted to force something like that or just let it happen. I decided I wanted it to actually mean something, and for there to be a real occasion to do such a thing. This last Thursday, I was able to.

As you may or may not know, my grandmother passed away about a week ago. Last Thursday at her nursing home, the staff got together to hold a small service, and let any of the nursing home staff/residents go outside and send off balloons as a farewell to her. I was invited to this little service, and as they were passing out balloons, I thought "that'd be cool to write a note..."....and then it occurred to me: THIS IS THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY! Not only do I get to do something I've always wanted to do, but it actually really means something! So I got my balloon, and I wrote a little "note" to my grandma (with our usual profanity on it), and sent it off in the sky with the other balloons. (Though, I hope that nobody finds it, or they might be in for a big surprise...) It really was such a fun experience for us, and I later found out that when my dad was little, my grandma would help him write notes and send them off in the air all the time. They would write their phone number on it, and my dad said that he got 2 or 3 phone calls over the years from people who found the balloons and the note. Pretty neat huh?

Anyway, here are some picture from my "Bucket List Success"!

Me and my note on my balloon!

All of the balloons

My dad took this picture as I was letting go of my balloon. It looks really posed and kind of...fake...but its totally legit.

Fly balloons, fly!

Com. Dee. Baby.

2011-05-14T00:15:00.001-06:00

May I just say that I love my job? Thank-you, I will. I love my job. I work at the Communications Disorders clinic right off of BYU Campus. I am a secretary to the Department Secretary, which basically means I’m the “go-to” girl for the professors when they need information or copies made, worksheets typed up, or anything else. Unfortunately, I’m not quite “go-to” yet, because I’ve only been here two weeks. It’s really slow during the summer, so it’s hard to learn and remember things when they only happen once every two weeks, as opposed to all the time come Fall and Winter. Every time somebody walks into my office, I shoot up a quick and silent prayer that says something like “Please bless that they ask me something that I know.” And if they ask me something I don’t know, my next prayer goes a little something like “Ok, that’s fine….please bless that I can figure this out quickly”. And after making a complete fool of myself….I do. Eventually.

But aside from the ease and stress-free environment that I am working in now (far from my last office “environment”, I love the people here, especially the clients. The Communications Disorder clinic deals with audiology and speech therapy, specifically helping children and adults overcome problems they may have in these areas. The Grad students here are currently working on their clinic hours, and so they spend time every day working with different children on their lisp, or their hearing, or their communication. Luckily for me, (and in order to help their clients) they take them around the building and introduce them to strangers and observe them having a conversation with somebody they don’t know, or outside of their comfort zone. It really is the highlight of my day when I get to meet a new client and answer their “when” questions, or hold a conversation with a stranger so they can work on their stuttering problem.

Of course, I am not allowed to mention anything personal, or even any names. But I love it here, and am so thankful for this job and the chance to witness people helping other people because they want to.

Also, kids say the darndest things. Did you know?

Two scoops of crazy...

2011-05-11T09:58:00.000-06:00

Have you seen this?

I saw it last night, and I about died because it was so funny. Perhaps it was the people I was with. Regardless, I saw it last night, and woke up smiling just thinking about some of the jokes and one-liners we pulled from that one.

On a different note, I have slept for about 4.5 hours for the last two consecutive nights. Its worked out alright, because I manage to need to wake up right at the end of a REM cycle (I sound like a total nerd right now), so its very easy to wake up and get going. I think once you pass the 5 hour mark, you get back into your deep sleep, and waking up is near impossible. I'm sitting in my office and just want to go home and lay in bed all day. I've been fighting this sore throat for....months it feels like, and its making me nervous because I have an audition coming in a bout 2 weeks, and I'm scared I won't do well or sing well. *shrugs* We'll see. Until next time folks....."two scoops of crazy and a side of coo-coo-cachoo!"

Phyllis Hennessey

2011-05-10T16:12:00.000-06:00

Well, it happened. Yesterday at 2:00 pm, my dear Grandma Hennessey passed away.

I am so happy for her; after years of doing it on her own, she finally gets to be with her husband again. She was such an incredible, INCREDIBLE lady, and I only hope to be half the women that she was in her time. I am so grateful to have been able to visit her and spend time with her while she was living in Utah with us, and really only have one thing to say to her. Grandma? This one is for you:

DIDDLY SHIT.

Tangled

2011-05-09T22:51:00.000-06:00

Do you know who this is?

This is me.

In cartoon form.

And Disney.

Don't be mistaken, I don't think we look alike at all. But I do think I am most like this new Disney "princess"

I LOVE this movie. I wish more than anything that it was Christmas time and that it appeared out of nowhere, all wrapped up so I could open it and receive it like a surprise Christmas present. When it first came out, I sat in the movie theater speechless and emotional at how similar I was to this girl. I may have gotten a little choked up about it at the time, but we won't talk about it. I was babysitting the other night, and we watched this movie as the kids fell asleep, and I remembered all over again how much I loved this movie, and how much I loved this little person. Thank-you, Disney.

Tangled, some day. Some day, I will afford you, and own you.

The thing about grandparents...

2011-05-08T23:23:00.000-06:00

Let me tell you a little something I've learned about grandparents:

They always have the best treats. They always have the best stories. They never forget your birthday, and always send the best cards. They always have the right answers, and they always give the best hugs. Because the thing about grandparents.....is that they love you more than you will ever realize.

But that can't last forever; things change and time makes use grow older.

Because the thing about grandparents....is that they die.

And you don't get those cards anymore, or the treats, or the hugs. And there isn't anything that you can do about it, because that's how its supposed to happen.

My Grandmother Hennessey has been living in Utah for the past two years, and has been increasingly suffering from alzheimer's. My father moved her from her home in California so we could look after her for these past few years. As time has passed, and as the disease has carried on, she has been slowly taking her journey to the other side. Last Friday in her nursing home, while trying to get out of bed to her walker without help, she fell, and will mostly likely not recover. She has been "asleep" since Saturday morning. Just breathing. She ran a fever all day yesterday. No liquids, no solids. Just...breathing.

Death is a very surreal thing. And if you aren't prepared for it, it can pick your world up and stuff it in a jar and shake it until you can't stand it anymore.

We got a call early yesterday afternoon from her nursing home that she was "declining". And that's how it happened. I arrived at the nursing home a few hours after my parents because my dad had called and said it was "time to come". We spent all afternoon making phone-calls, booking flights for my dad's siblings to fly in the next morning, and doing all the practical things that needed to be done so everybody could say goodbye. And then it was somehow "my turn".

We were in her room, my dad and I, just sitting. He said "I'm probably going to make some more calls, so I'm going to leave, and you can have a chance to talk to her". He leaned over her bed, put his hand on her shoulder, and lowered his head to her ear and said "Mom. It's David. Kelly is here, she's going to talk to you". And he left.

There was no sorrow; I felt no sadness. And the tears didn't come until my father said "Kelly is here". I don't know why. My heart exploded with emotion. Besides, I'm not much of a talker when it comes to things like this. But it worked out alright, because my grandma knew that about me.

I slipped my hand under her covers and found hers. "Hi Grandma. Its me, Kelly."

After a minute, her mouth moved into what I assume to be a smile, and she gurgled her usual response to me: "Hi Baby."

And that was all.

I didn't need to say much, because I knew, and she knew, that we both knew. We knew it all. And we just sat together in silence, thinking of all the things we would say to each other if we could. And that's how we've always been. And that's how we liked it.

I've never felt so much love for my family, especially my father. Over the past two years, my grandma has kicked and screamed to my dad, also known as "that damn David" as she referred to him, because she didn't understand and couldn't remember why she couldn't live in California anymore and why she couldn't live by herself. But my dad never stumbled; he kept visiting her, taking care of her, and making sure she was as comfortable as possible.

As I was standing in her room yesterday, I watched my dad hold her hand, and ask "Can I read you some Irish poems"? And he did. His voice was strong, and normal. It was his same voice he has when he's teaching lessons, or presenting business proposals, or talking to me on the phone. There was no pain, there was no sorrow, there was no quavering as you would expect from a son's voice. And that pretty much sums up my dad: strong, and loving. He stopped: "Can you see these pictures mom? Can you see the pictures in your mind?"

And the breathing continued.

He paused for a minute, and then said something that I will never, ever, forget.

"Mom. I did my best to take care of you. Do you forgive me?"

Time stood still. Everything outside of that room did not exist anymore. There was no nursing home, there was no ticking clock, there wasn't anything. All that was there was the abounding love between a mother and his son, and it was so powerful to me that time just stopped. Forgive the Grinch analogy, but my heart really did grow 3x during that moment, and I caught a small glimpse of the love that my father has for his mother, and undoubtedly for me. And the best part is that I felt the love of my Heavenly Father fill up every inch of that room and testify to each one of us that Grandma was in good hands. Death is not the end, especially for her. That sassy lady is on her way to bigger and better things.

So here we are, just waiting. Grandma is breathing. Just...breathing. And we are watching, and waiting, and loving. My grandma was the greatest lady. I would dare say she is better than your grandma. I'd even fight you on it. And when its time for her to go, she'll go. I'm excited for her. I'm excited for her to be whole and happy, I'm excited for her to be with her husband again, and I'm excited for her to watch over us, laugh with us, and cry with us as we keep journeying through this crazy thing we call life. Love you Grandma..

The Bucket List

2011-05-04T11:14:00.001-06:00

So I have this friend named Darcy. She's pretty much...awesome. Don't worry, I will be writing a post about her soon enough, but she created this "bucket list" of her own a while back. I remember thinking "man, I want to do that too!" but I haven't really remembered it until a few days ago. Some of these things I've already accomplished, but they are things I've always wanted to do anyway. And what's funny is that after I wrote this list out, I found her list again, and found some very similar things on there! So Darc, maybe we can be Vegan together, while upholstering some furniture in our homes that we buy.

Ladies and Gentlemen, THE BUCKET LIST

Make a quilt
Get married in the temple
Give birth, have a family
Buy a house
Run a HALF Marathon (don't worry, I'm not going to overestimate my abilities!)
Graduate with my BFA
Go on a performing tour (2005--Canada, 2011--USF)
Swim with Dolphins
~~Work at the Utah Shakespeare Festival~~ (2011)
~~Learn and instrument besides the Piano~~ (Ukulele, and still learning!)
Put my kids in a private school
Spend a week in NY and see shows
Be in an Equity Show
Pay off my credit card
Pay off my student loans)
Take/send my parents on a cruise
Go on a Cruise
Play Beatrice in "Much Ado About Nothing"
Sing at a wedding
Master a cookbook
Own a kitchen-aid
Visit Washington DC again
Do another Humanitarian Trip
~~Play on a soccer team~~(2007)
Visit Chicago
~~Work for Disney~~(2007-2008)
Take my kids to Disneyworld
Sing at Hootie's Farewell
Not break any bones before age 50 (and after!)
Be a TA
~~Sky Dive~~ (2007)
~~Travel to Canada~~ (2005)
~~Travel to South America~~ (2004, Bolivia and Peru)
Travel to Central America
~~Travel to Europe~~(2003, Germany, student exchange)
Spend 1 month in England
Spend 1 month in Rome/Italy/Greece
Travel to Asia
Travel to Africa
Travel to Australia
Become too busy to care about Facebook
Attend an Ellen DeGeneres show before she retires
Be recognized by a stranger for a show I was in
Learn how to make a Thanksgiving Turkey in MY OWN OVEN
Decorate a house
Win something in a contest or on a talk-show
Write something in a Magazine Article
Kiss my husband under the Eiffel Tower
Have a Pixie Cut
~~Play Lady Macbeth in "Macbeth"~~(2011, USF)
Own a dog
Teach my children how to read
Watch Kobe Bryant play basketball in real life
Fly/co-pilot one of those tiny airplanes
Fly in a Hot Air Balloon
Go Paragliding
Get certified and go scuba diving
~~Fly First Class~~(2010)
Teach somebody who has never heard of Jesus Christ the Gospel of Jesus Christ
Reupholster a chair, or couch.
Own my own sewing machine
Hike Mt. Timpanogas
Ride a Trolly
Visit the San Francisco Bay
~~Fly a kite on the beach~~(2010, Oregon)
Own a gym membership, and actually USE it enough to say "I was at the gym" and not feel like a poser.
Let go of balloons with notes on them
Visit Hawaii
~~Win a writing contest~~(2004, personal essay and poem)
Have a flat stomach
Eat a romantic dinner for two (with somebody that I am in love with) in a meadow somewhere -- candles, table, dishes, and a rose.
Ride in a horse drawn carriage
Visit the four corners (Utah, AZ, NM, CO)
Go into Cinderella's Castle
Sing for Disney
Attend a Black-Tie event with my husband
~~Swim in the Rhine~~ (2003)
Learn to be a BETTER Tap dancer. A REAL tap dancer
Read the Bible from beginning to end.
Memorize the Articles of Faith (again)
Meet the Prophet, and his 2 Counselors
Shake hands with Elder Uchtdorf.
Attend a General Conference Session
Take pictures with my husband on Temple Square during Christmas time
Give my parents money to help them with retirement.
Be a Grandma
Own a cabin/time-share on the lake, and vacation there with my family.
Find out what Victoria's Secret really is...
Become a Vegetarian or a Vegan for 3 months.
Make a real scrapbook
Write a letter to the Prophet
Host a neighborhood party
Eat dinner on the roof of a sky scraper
Give my grandchildren their first deposit for their savings account
Leave a college trust fund for my grandchildren
Sing the National Anthem somewhere (again)
Hold a baby panda bear
Paint a painting for my house
Grow a Blackberry bush
Master 10 different dialects.
Never get divorced

2011-05-04T09:49:00.000-06:00

Nothing puts me in a good mood like good ole Frank. Frank Sinatra, you can serenade me anytime, anywhere.

Last night I watched the movie Julia and Julia. I bought it for my mom sometime last year, but had never seen it myself, and never taken the time to watch it. I absolutely loved it. I mean, it had 3 things that I love: Meryl Streep, Europe, and Cooking. WINNER. I thought Amy Adams was just adorable in this role as well. Maybe I was just really tired, or didn't care, but I thought she did a fantastic job at being that person. And maybe I relate a little too much to that quarky little character, though I try not to show it. But I do. And I loved it.

I'm sitting at work: I've been working since last week every day at 8 am. Its been so great, because I get done with my day early in the afternoon with enough time to go to the gym and do what I want/need to do. I have classes in the evening sometimes from 4-6:30, so that kind of puts a damper in my day, but....I am slowly creeping toward graduation. And the more I map out the next year of school to graduate in April, the harder and harder it is becoming. There are too many things that I am anxious to do.

Things I love about Craigslist

2011-05-02T13:40:00.000-06:00

One of the best features of Craigslist is the little tab that is labeled "free". Here are two of the gems that I found today:

FREE CHICKEN! Our chicken has had a broken leg for the past few months and it has just not mended. We cannot eat her ourselves because she has been our pet. However, if you would like to take her and put her out of her misery she is yours for the taking. I work in Orem so I could definitely meet you in Orem/Provo if needed.

Ok....so your pet chicken has had a broken leg, and it hasn't managed to "fix itself" yet....so you are giving your PET away so somebody else can EAT HIM?! {shrugs} Whatevs.

DWARF HAMSTER: Our apartment manager found out about our hamster and now we have to give him away. His is really sweet, but he is NOT for children. He bites when you take him out of his cage. His name is Samson and he is really cute. Do not contact me if you don't plan on taking care of him.

Bahaha.

Sometimes I swear.

2011-04-29T21:42:00.000-06:00

Guys.

Listen.

Buying gas is a bitch.

*shrugs*

Blubbering about my Monster

2011-04-27T21:20:00.000-06:00

So here's the thing: I have felt like a stupid piece of tar for most of the day, and I just wish it would go away.

I haven't had a lot of trials in my life. I've been very lucky to have minimal problems compared to what I see others face. I believe that everybody has trials, and that everybody deals with their big "monster" all their life. And though we all have our "monsters", we somehow wish that we didn't have our own monsters, and could trade them with somebody else.

I know what my monster is, and I have always known that this will be mine for the rest of my life.

Discouragment.

I think I get discouraged easier than anybody else I know. And on the Spectrum, discouragment doesn't seem so bad, right? I mean, I'm am not chained down by some addiction to drugs, nor do I suffer from severe anxiety or depression. Sometimes it seems like something like that would be easier for Kelly Marie Hennessey to deal with....but if it was, then that wouldn't be my "monster".

The problem is that it doesn't take much for me to get caught up in the spiral. All it takes is one trivial comment, one stupid remark or something trivial or accidental to get me going, and its all downhill from there. I can't help it. Believe me, if I could, I absolutely would. But I can't. It makes me question almost everything that I am, and everything that I do, and why I do it. Don't get me wrong. I believe that being uncomfortable in life is completely necessary, because it pushes and shapes and molds us until we decide to do something about it, or make the change that is what is making us uncomfortable in the first place.

But sometimes, I think I find myself wanting to change something that doesn't need to be changed.

I don't know what I'm saying. But the point is, is that I get discouraged very easily. And wish that I didn't. And wish that these feelings would go away so I could dust it all off, not care what anybody says or said, and just....be the happy person that I am.

On a side note, Maxi is asleep in my arms as I type this and watch the Chronicles of Narnia.

Also, the job market is looking very favorable right now, and I feel very blessed for that.

Seven Deadly Sins

2011-04-25T23:25:00.000-06:00

That's how many people I am irritated with at this moment.

None of these people know each other.

And its all for the same reason.

I've got to sleep it off.

Lessons learned at Rusty's

2011-04-24T22:00:00.000-06:00

So I heard something TOTALLY cliche' the other day while eating a steak dinner underneath a plethora of dead deer, and for some reason I can't stop thinking about it. I'm sure I've heard it before, but THIS time it actually meant something to me.

Dreams don't come easy, but they do come.

That's all.

A Picturesque Childhood

2011-04-17T16:48:00.000-06:00

So, I've been seeing a lot of pictures lately that have reminded me of my childhood, and decided to post this blog. All of these things are things that really remind me of what it was like growing up, and I love it!

First off, this is me. So obviously seeing this picture reminds me of growing up. My dad called me Monkey sometimes growing up, and he says this picture is why.

When I was little, my dad and mom would dance with me around our coffee table in our living room to this song/album. Also, I loved playing this game on the computer as well.

Every summer we would go camping up Hobble Creek Canyon at Jolly's Ranch, campsite #11. #11 had the perfect tree to make a rope swing, and we did every time! This is obviously not me, but displays how much I loved doing this!

CHRISTMAS TIME! Christmas at my house was always the best. Sorry everybody, but it was.

I grew up with 2 mini-dachshunds, and am convinced that I will have one when I get married. Husband, look out!

Obsessed with Unicorns! When I was good in school, got good grades, etc, my dad would buy me an end of year gift. One year it was a Unicorn night light, and I thought it was the greatest thing ever!

I was a tom-boy growing up, but I loved my little mermaid bed spread.

My best friend Alisa and I would ride our bikes to Hogi-Yogi to buy sandwiches and go to the park and have "picnics"

Don't worry, I was definitely in a Sonic the Hedgehog club growing up....YES PLEASE.

Who doesn't love the Ice Cream man?!

The Cougar Den

2011-04-07T14:44:00.000-06:00

It is so windy outside, I can hardly stand it. I can't remember the last time I was in winds this strong; I have a hard time standing up or walking while I'm outside...it kind of blows me over.

We've changed locations, and we are staying in "cabins" for the next few days. I have a cabin to myself this stay because it "technically" is my turn for the single rooms (though I got lucky in Ogden and got a free single room for 4 nights). We call is the Cougar Room, because there are about 17 pictures of cougars around the whole place. I love being by myself: I love having my own time, and I love doing my own thing. I've always been that way. I have a very small family, with only 2 brothers. We are so spread out in age, I sometimes felt like an only child simply because we were too far apart to have the same interests once we reached a certain age. As a teen, I was always too busy for my own good, and so getting alone time was something I loved and relished at a very young age. I remember telling friends I couldn't play because I would have rather just been by myself, thinking, meditating, drawing, singing, or anything.

And being on tour, I relish that alone time even more. However...I sometimes get bored, and want to be around other people. I suppose its natural, and suppose I can't complain because there are good things on both sides.

My fingers are so cold, I am having a difficult time typing. I woke up this morning to work out, but felt so lousy I couldn't make it through. I am thinking about attempting it again this afternoon just because I didn't finish (and that irritates me), but I don't know if that would be wise. I feel like I am on the edge of getting sick, and would rather it just go away and rest for a few days before our last 2 weeks of tour (which I hear are going to be brutal).

I used to be really good at blogging and publishing interesting things and telling stories of things that happen to me....but I just can't find anything worth documenting, aside from the every-day that I do, and I try to keep those things in check. Too much of a good thing doesn't always make it a good thing.

I bought a new set of scriptures about 2 weeks ago, and I couldn't be happier. My old set that I got 5 or 6 years ago was stolen. Yes, I said stolen. Do I really think they were stolen? Nah. With my luck, I probably misplaced them or left them somewhere. Who would steal scriptures? All I know is that I had them in Las Vegas, and suddenly didn't have them with me, and they were nowhere to be found. So I spent about a month reading ensign articles and scriputres from my phone (blech) before I decided it was time for me to drop the cash on a solid pair of new scriptures. I am so happy about it. I love my new set, and thought I am heart broken about all the lost notes and thoughts I had written in my old ones, I find it very exciting to start "fresh" with this set. I tried to read the Book of Mormon again, but couldn't get past the first few chapters. I know and believe that studying the Book of Mormon is so important, but I also think that there are other books of scripture that I could devote some time to without feeling guilty. I dove into the Doctrine and Covenents, and am so exciting about the things that I am learning about the revelations given to Joseph Smith in the 1830's. I took a D&C class at BYU a few years back, but I am getting so much more from my personal study this time around. I am gaining a stronger testimony of Joseph Smith and the sacred work that he was chosen to do, as well as a firmer belief in Jesus Christ and his Atonement. If you haven't read the Doctrine and Covenants at all, or if its been a while, I would definitely recommend diving right back into it. Joseph Smith was such a strong individual, and I only hope to emulate an ounce of the person that he was.

My mom's birthday is this Saturday. I had a really great idea for a gift for her, but she requested something else that she really wanted, so maybe I will wait until the summer when I can get the money again and make sure she really wants something like that. Giving presents in our family is such a strange thing, and I feel like I am partially at fault for it. I don't think I'm a particularly picky person now, but I'm sure my parents will tell you differently, especially while growing up. I think my mom has a HUGE fear of getting us something and us not liking it, and so she won't hardly buy anything as a surprise. For Christmas, she requests lists of things that we want, or has us buy them and bring them to her and she'll pay us and then wrap it. Its a really great idea because I suppose it ensures that we will get what we want for Christmas (within the budget of course). However, I am a lot older and more mature than I sometimes think I get credit for, and I sometimes wish that my mom or family would just trust themselves and buy something that THEY really think is something that I want. It somehow seems to mean more to me to get something that somebody thinks about than for me to buy it myself, if that makes sense. My mom and I had this "discussion" about these things regarding my birthday. She just wanted to wait until I got back to get me something, or have me buy something, etc. I don't think she could understand that being on the road was really really hard at that time for me and I just wanted to open a package. With anything. I jokingly mentioned that a box of chocolates would be enough, but it would just be something that somebody thought of sending me, and that meant a lot. And you know what? She did just that, and it was one of the best presents I had ever received: the day after my birthday, I got a package from my family that had some great little presents: a sweater, a shirt, a new purse, and....a box of chocolates.

Why am I talking about receiving presents? I don't know. But its my mom's birthday on Saturday, and I am excited to spend some time with my family.

My current family, this tour, will be leaving each other in 2 weeks, and that is strange to me. All that I can think to say about that is that its strange, and I have a lot of feelings about it. But enough of that: I am going to watch Winnie the Pooh on my computer. Please, and thank-you.

Rumble Jumble

2011-04-06T21:29:00.001-06:00

I learn things the hard way.

*shrugs* I dunno, its what I do.

I seem to be one of those people that listens an learns from other people and other people's mistakes...but there always seems to be those "things" that I just "HAVE" to learn on my own.

I wonder why that is.

Why does it take somebody to smack me in the face for me to figure out how to do something right?

*shrugs*

Tour ends in just over 2 weeks, and I have a lot of feelings about that. I can't believe how slow and fast time has ticked by, and it seems surreal to me how much has changed in my life.

I've learned a lot of things. I know a lot of new and exciting things about myself, and a lot of new and not so exciting things about myself. I've also learned that I am the Queen of Vague when it comes to recent blogging, and when I try to think of details, nothing comes to mind.

2011-04-03T01:16:00.000-06:00

Its 1:16 am.

I am lying in this bed that could fit 900 people comfortably, and I can't sleep. I've been laying here with the light on, just staring at the wall: rearranging pillows, stretching, pacing, reading, thinking, more reading, more thinking. Nothing is making my brain stop.

I read my Patriarchal Blessing today, and was reminded of some very wonderful things. I wish I could share more, but won't.

Again, I have so many things to throw up onto this page, and just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe next time.

What a day

2011-03-22T22:52:00.000-06:00

I have no words.

Today was such a surreal day. I mean, I woke up, went to work, did a show, taught a class, hung out with some friends, ate some Sushi, sat in a hot tub, went to the store, browsed facebook, took a shower....and here I am. Writing another blog.

But its all the in-between stuff that really made or broke the day, like:

--catching up with Chris Clark before and after the show

--Eating Sushi with Aaron and Alex

--locking my cell phone and Alex's keys in the restaurant that stayed closed for an extra two hours

--going to Bruge with good friends

--laughing at stupid jokes

--looking like a slob, all the time

--sitting in the hot tub with good friends

--teaching a great workshop with Adam

--Daniel slipping and hurting his knee

--changing up fight choreography

--another trip to the amazing Smith's Marketplace to spend more money

--talking to Todd about the Word of Wisdom

--climbing up 3 flights of stairs with a cramped hip. What the heck!

--Seeing old friends like Daniel and learning new things about people

Some of these are simple things. Some of them are fun things. And some of them suck. But how many of these things do I take for granted? How many people in my life do I take for granted?

Sitting in the market with Aaron made me re-think a few things. Although I'm sure he was serious with a hint of sarcastic and dash of cynicism, he said "These are the good times. We'll look back in July when we are hating our lives and say 'these are the good times'".

This evening a received a phone-call from a very dear friend growing up, to inform me that another friend I knew growing up had been shot in the head by her husband the previous week.

...

I have no words.

I wasn't sure if I had feelings for a few hours. I couldn't believe it. My friend is dead, because her husband killed her.

I was out to eat with some of the tour when I got the news, and I felt myself turn into....I dunno, a rock. Not necessarily a strong or a support rock, but more of a stoic one. Even as I type, I can't find the words to express how I feel. Its so incredible to feel nothing. Its incredible that our bodies can shut on and off to deal the way that we need to deal with things. I'm not a very emotional person, but to feel absolutely nothing but shock is a little terrifying. I mean, once I was by myself (in a hot tub, no less), I was able to process and understand and deal with things much easier, but even then it took a little while to just feel it, and let go.

My point in all of this is that I remembered how easy it is to take simple things for granted. Simple things like inside jokes, or fresh pineapple from the store; simple things that really make the days that much more enjoyable. Taking care of people: like the ones that you love and miss, or the ones that break your heart and teach you a priceless lesson.

I don't have a conclusion. I don't have a graceful exit. Just thoughts thrown onto a page to help clear my head.

Tomorrow is a new day, and another chance to take care of those around us, around me. *shrugs* Done.

Lessons Learned

2011-03-19T10:42:00.000-06:00

So I generally try to keep the boring Acting stuff out of this blog for the sake of myself and everybody else, but this post is not going to follow that rule.

I learned something very important during the show last night. Rather....re-learned. To be honest, I've probably learned this 9,000 times. But just like everything else, we learn and re-learn and solidify through repetition. I suppose it just takes me a little bit longer than others to keep it solidified in my brain.

I had a really crappy show last night. I mean, really crappy. I hated everything I did, I hated how I felt afterwards, I always just feel so stupid, and I just....had a bad show. In case you didn't know, or in case you don't ever feel this way, it is really hard to receive sincere compliments from people when you don't even believe or have confidence in yourself at the moment. So its very very difficult for me to not laugh off what they say and sort of roll my eyes and think "how can they say that? Did they not see what I just did for an hour and a half? Didn't they just SEE with their EYES what I just DID?!"

But the thing is...is that....no, they may not have. In fact, my crappy insecurities may have actually done something for somebody. Which is where lesson number 9,000 comes into play: This, all of this "acting" and "touring" and "performing" isn't really about me . Before I get ahead of myself, I do understand that there is a bit of selfishness involved in everything that we do: we pursue careers or do service or perform or whatever we do because we enjoy it; because there is something thrilling and exciting about traveling to Japan and helping those in need; there is something thrilling about memorizing a shakespeare play and then being in front of 12 or 1256 people performing it, ideally with everybody's eyes on you; there is something enjoyable about spending 10 years in medical school in order to become a very successful doctor to help people. Obviously, I understand that we all have our needs. But what I'm saying, is that on the spectrum, I don't really matter. I'm on an Educational Tour, which travels to different states and performs for underfunded schools or communities with the objective of teaching and spreading art and culture and experience to those who may not otherwise have an opportunitiy like this.

I am very blessed. Though my family was very poor growing up, (and even now), I was a very blessed child: I danced for 11 years, I competed in gymnastics for 6, I spent time working my way up in karate, I played Varsity Volleyball and Varsity Basketball, I was surrounded by great people and wonderful influences. Culture and theater was constantly around me, and because of who my parents were, diversity and "the world" was infused into my life at a very young age. I feel very grateful to have had such wonderful parents who worked so hard to make sure I was well educated and as well-rounded as they could get me. Granted, some of these things came with the perks of living where we were living, and not everybody lives in a place that offers opportunities like this.

So what I'm saying is that if my goal were to have my name known throughout NYC, or to "make it big", then....this isn't the tour that's going to get me there right away, if at all. But I've re-learned that those things don't even matter to me. Sure, everybody wants to be successful, but "success" is a relative term, and as long as I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, and aligning my will with the Lord's, then things will work out just fine. My crappy show last night might have been mostly internal. Or maybe it truly was crappy. I'll never really know, because in all honesty, nobody is ever going to walk up to me or anybody else and say "wow, chalk one up for suckiness Kelly, better luck next time..." It just doesn't work like that. But how I felt about it is not as important as what some of those kids may have felt or learned last night. Generally, I HATE talking to the audience afterwards, especially in a setting like this. It feels forced, and though its fun to get to know people, I have a hard time doing it after a show. But last night I was cornered by a bunch of the students who had so many questions and things to say about the show and things that they learned. And it was during this conversation that I remembered: who am I to ruin what they have learned by scoffing them off because of my insecurities? Who am I to strip them away of something they may have enjoyed, regardless of the how good or bad it really was? Maybe they don't even know. Obviously, I don't want to suck anymore or keep feeling awful about this part, but....its not about me. Its not about glamour, its not about applause, its not about selling out a house. Its about telling a story, about being a tool in the Lord's hands to share a talent or a message through this way.

That's all I really had to say about that. Don't worry.

On a completely different note, I had the best mint shake with snickers in it last night. I mean, I felt kinda sick after, but at the time, it was so swear-word good! So I then woke up this morning to go running, and when I looked outside? SNOW! THERE IS SNOW OUTSIDE IN NV! What in the SWEAR-WORDS!? So....no. I did not get out of bed to go running, nor did I do any exercise. and I WILL not do any running in the snow.

Also....I have a new-found love for dried pineapple (Trader Joe's only) and for Sun-Maid Raisens. Perf.

I don't know if I'm making sense. I'm probably not.

Um...yes?

2011-03-17T10:07:00.000-06:00

I don't really have anything important to say.

Or for that matter, anything at all.

I'm sitting in the Carlton, all packed up, and ready to travel somewhere else.

Apparently there is a really great breakfast going on, but I've already eaten, and I'm not very hungry. I suppose that's a blessing and a curse, because I know that after 2 hours on the road, I will be poking the driver and asking "Are we there yet? I'm hungry".

I guess there are parts of us that just never grow up.

I didn't sleep very well last night, and nothing irritates me more than doing everything right in order to get a good night's rest, and then waking up ever 2 hours for whatever reason. I'm not sure why, but for the last few nights, my sleep has been absolutely terrible. I feel bad because I know that it makes me cranky during the day, so I have to put in a little bit of extra work to do my best to hide the crankiness. I'm probably not very successful at it, but the effort is there.

Staying in this hotel reminds me of living in Germany. I think its the smell. I guess this is supposed to be a "European Style Hotel"....and I suppose they are right. I remember staying in so many youth hostels while traveling around, and smelling the exhaust and the air as I walked out of my apartment early in the morning. Its got this "I'm European and surrounded by traffic and all sorts of sounds, so that makes me glamorous feel to it" *shrugs* I dunno.

I went to the dentist the other day, and he was crazy-bojangles. He went through maybe 8 different moods and emotions whilst looking at my chart and working on my teeth, and I couldn't shake the feeling that he kept implying that I was doing drugs. MY TEETH ARE NOT THAT BAD PEOPLE! Needless to say, I'm not going back to that cooky man. Sheesh.

Our tour is more than halfway over, and time is flying. Some days are long, but they all blur together, and I can't believe its already St. Patricks day. There is just over a month left, and most of us will be spent in SLC. I am excited about that, actually. It will be neat to be near family and friends, though I doubt I will see many friends.

Why am I blogging right now?

Huh

2011-03-04T23:55:00.001-07:00

"Phoning it in."

Do you know what that means?

I do, now.

With that said, I am on my way to phoenix tomorrow, and couldn't be happier about it.

My mind is a jumbled mess today.

Nothing is coherent.

I'm laying in my bed, and am surrounded by 5 down pillows. Actually, only 3 of them seem to be down, and 2 of them deceivingly "down". Regardless, I've been deceived, and I don't mind it one bit.

Pillows, you can deceive me anytime.

Do you know what bothers me?

Heavy breathing when unnecessary. I don't feel like elaborating on that.

I've started working out again. I love it. Wait, that's a lie. I hate it. Wait. I just...have a lot of feelings about it, and its difficult to not become impatient and expect immediate results.

Sometimes, I can be very impatient.

But I try my darndest to not let it show, and to talk myself out of being impatient.

It usually works.

I have a lot of feelings.

Today, they were mostly insecure feelings.

Insecurities about some pretty stupid things, and insecurities about some pretty not-so-stupid things.

I hate feeling that way, and I hate being around people when I do feel that way; only because I know that its effecting me and that I need to get out of it quick or be by myself so it doesn't become a bit deal, or...noticable, I suppose.

Tonight in the lobby, Aaron on the tour told me that when he was a kid, his parents said that he should never say the word "hate" because it meant that we wanted whatever he hated to die.

I can honestly say that I HATE my recent insecurities.

BUT! Carry on friends! Tomorrow is a new day!

I'm in Winslow, AZ, and my service has been really crappy the last two days. Its a big deal, I am not attached to anybody or NEED to talk to people. In fact, I left my phone at my hotel for more than half the day, and I loved it. I didn't even think about it once! Its so nice to just "let go". But my mom did text me, and I couldn't get my text back to go through. I was lucky enough (or unlucky enough) to get one phone call through this afternoon to my old job to try and fix some pretty big messes. I feel a string of more phone calls coming on very soon.

Outside, I can hear members of the tour laughing. Its too bad I like them all soo much, or I'd tell them go shut their faces so I can sleep....

But who am I kidding right now? I'm not even close to sleep right now. A'int no thing but a chicken wing.

What?

I don't understand the question.

Calzone.

Watch out Motel 6

2011-02-25T23:45:00.000-07:00

My family didn't travel too much growing up. We were poor and tight for money, but my parents always managed to get in a little vacation somewhere, whether to a condo in Park City for a few nights a year, or a quick road trip to CA. Both sets of grandparents lived in CA when I was younger, so I remember taking yearly trips out to LA to visit my grandparents, and occasional trips to Oregon to visit my Uncle Bill and my cousin's on the Smith side. We would load up our blue station wagon, or red van, or whatever vehicle we happened to own at the time, and bear the long and tedious drive for 11 hours before we were on "vacation". We rarely stayed in hotels because we were usually visiting family. But when we did stay in a hotel, it was the BEST part of the vacation. I didn't' care that the room was as big as the upstairs of my home. I didn't care that I shared a bed with my older or younger brother, or that I had to sleep on the roll-away bed. I wanted it that way! That was part of the vacation! The smell of the hotel hallways; the constant trips to the vending machines to buy some Twizzler's Nibs; the double trips to the ice machine for my mom, and waiting impatiently as my dad swam laps in the pool before we would play with us. Looking much like the picture below, I would roll in my little suitcase and my backpack into a hotel lobby, or a motel 6, or wherever we were able to stay was the greatest thing ever, with a big sign on my forehead that said "Look out Motel 6, my name is Kelly, and I am here on vacation with my family, and we are going to have the best time of our lives". And we did.

Now that I'm older, I understand things like "life" and "vacation" a lot better. As a tot, vacations were things I lost sleep over; it was as great as Christmas! I WAS GOING TO DISNEYLAND! I remember having trouble falling asleep for 4 or 5 days before we actually left. I would pack my suitcase 2 weeks in advance, and have everything ready to go for easy take-off.

I miss that exhilarating feeling.

I miss having something SO exciting in my life about to happen, that I lose sleep over it.

I miss thinking about vacations, because now, vacations are almost as much of a stress as not taking a vacation: the money spent, the time lost at work, the exhaustion of trying to relax, instead of just....relaxing.

And I had forgotten what it meant to treasure the tender-mercies of childhood memories in this busy, busy world until tonight, when I saw a young little tyke, much like myself, rolling her suitcase into the hotel lobby and down the hallway with a grin the size of Texas on her face and a sign on her forehead that said "Look out Best Western, my name is Kelly, and I am here on vacation with my family, and I am going to have the time of my life".

I have a problem

2011-02-24T14:45:00.001-07:00

Guys, I have a problem.

A big problem.

I am addicted to this:

And when I watch it too much, I don't do things like this:

And because I stayed up late watching that, I go through the next day feeling and looking like this:

Which makes me have one of these:

Which makes me feel like this:

So I can watch more of this:

*shrugs*

Vegas Memories

2011-02-21T19:33:00.000-07:00

So we've left Vegas, but definitely not without some fun times under our belts. I feel very blessed to have had such a good time in Vegas and to have done some of the things we did:

Cirque Du Soleil "Mystere" show
Backstage Tour of Cirque Du Soleil afterwards
Eating at some FABULOUS places
Seeing The Lion King show again, and bawling through the entire thing. Again.
Eating full breakfast meals after midnight at South Pointe for $2.45. Twice.
Performing in some wonderful places
Sleeping in a king size bed for a week!
Shopping!
Seeing and aspiring to be like the Siren's of TI...
Frequenting and liquor store...
Hot tubs.
Experiencing the Vanilla Bean Frappuccino at Starbucks
Walking and shopping the Strip
World Market
Mongolian barbecue
Driving in Strip traffic on a Friday Night. BIG MISTAKE.
THE PETTING ZOO!
Hiking in the canyon

However, one of the more documented things that we did was go to the PINBALL Museum! WHAT! I didn't even know such a place existed. Becca and Aaron went last year, and decided to go back this year. Basically it was just a big warehouse/room full of old school pinball machines, and all you had to pay for was to play the game. It was so much fun, and I had forgotten about some of the games I grew up playing.

Owls

2011-02-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

I really like owls.

Could you tell?

I don't think I even thought about owls until a couple years ago when my grandmother was moved from California to Utah.

My dad's mom, Grandma Hennessey, suffers from sever alzheimer's right now, and is progressively getting worse. My dad, being the only sane and responsible one in his entire family, has taken on the job of caring for my grandmother and making sure she has the best care possible.

My grandma is one sassy lady. For that matter, both of my grandmother's are. Even in the worst of situations, she is able to smile and make a sassy or witty remark, and she is such a joy to be around.

But with that said, Grandma Hennessey LOVES owls. Growing up, I always thought that was soo strange: they can be so ugly! I never understood it. But when she moved to Utah, I made it a goal to visit my grandma at least once a week, or as often as I could. We would sit and chat for a few hours about anything and everything, at least a couple of times per visit. I started to bring my ipod recorder and recording our conversations to keep on file for my dad as a surprise. Unfortunately, I had a laptop of DEATH and it crashed and lost ALL of those precious files. Needless to say, I was heartbroken to have lost such a valuable thing.

Anywho, I was thinking about my grandmother this morning, and realized that I love owls now just as much as she does, and I think that she has something to do with is.

Me and Grandma in her nursing home a few years ago in LA.

And guess what her favorite phrase is?

diddely-shit

But because she's a "lady", she just says diddely instead....

Except for when I'm around, because we swear at each other to make each other laugh. Its our little secret.

Happy Birthday to me

2011-02-18T01:14:00.001-07:00

My chest feels like its going to explode.

My stomach is full of knots.

My heart feels like its dropped to the floor.

And the worst part is, is that I don't have a clue why.

Get ready: I can feel a hypocritical blog coming on.

This last week has been a very thrilling and very frustrating week. Our Manager said that this week would be one of the 2 hardest weeks we would have on tour, and I kind of understand why. There were some very late nights, and some very early mornings this week, and I find it safe to say that some of us are not our best in the mornings, myself definitely included in that. Mornings are hard for me: I simply don't like them. When I was a gymnast, I used to be a morning person. I mean, I had to be: 5-6 hours a day working out in the gym during the summer starting at 7 am. I loved it. I loved walking into the gym and beginning my morning with some endurance training, with the smell of chalk wafting through the air. Or spending time stretching our flexibility before hitting the bars or vault. Yes, those were definitely the days. I'm sure I wasn't the best gymnast there, but I do believe I was pretty darn good. I worked hard, and improved quickly given the other obligations in my tiny little life.

This blog wasn't meant to be about gymnastics, but its what I'm thinking about right now, so forgive the tangent. Being a gymnast was one of the most disciplinary things I have ever done. But whats funny is that I wasn't aware of that until after I quit. The strength and determination to succeed at an athletic sport like gymnastics is unreal. But growing up with it, it simply part of life. We came to the gym, and we did our work and we pulled our own weight. Because if we didn't...it wouldn't hurt anybody but ourselves. I had a coach named Glen for a while before I quit, and if there is anything that I learned from him, its that we only hurt ourselves if we don't reach our full potential. Sure, mom will be sad if her child isn't "successful" or "happy" or what have you, but in the end, we are living our own lives. I think that's a work ethic that more people should and could adopt in their lives. We would run our 25 sprints, and do our 50 pushups, and climb our ropes without our legs over and over and over again, and from the side, Glen would shout "pick it up: this isn't for me. If you want this, then get it"

And he was right.

If you want it, then get it.

So what stops us? Why don't we just "go and get what we want?"

I'll tell you my answer: fear. Insecurity.

I'm a pansy. I'm scared, and I'm shy. I'm so shy, its painful sometimes. Its funny, most people scoff when they hear me say that and refuse to believe it. But...read it and weep, because that's just the bottom line. Sure, once I get comfortable with people, I'm not as shy anymore. But who isn't like that? That's normal. Its the beginning stages that kills me. I am not the kind of person that can sit down at a table and start talking to people I don't know, ESPECIALLY people who are "higher up" than me in whatever we are doing. I'm not particularly charming; I'm don't see myself as very clever or witty, And if my shyness doesn't get the best of me, my insecurity definitely will bring in the caboose. That has rung true with this tour. I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I've had during the last month and a half, just trying to figure out what I'm doing here. But of that tomorrow.

Bottom line, my insecurity limits me from getting what I want. Fear of what other people think, fear of what we call "failure" (which, in reality, I don't even know how to accurately define). My patriarchal blessing mentions something along these lines, and boy is it biting me in the butt right now. This thought isn't going to be finished because my brain is quickly moving to other things....

This week has been a rough week. Generally, I feel like it is fairly easy for me to have an optimistic view on life. I would prefer to laugh something off rather than dwell on it. I don't see that as a denial tactic or something unhealthy like that, but there are too many thing in life to get worked up over that there is just no point: you'll suck all the fun out of living. I feel bad when I see people dwelling on things that, in retrospect, are petty and of no importance. There can be so much wasted emotion on something as trivial as losing a bobbi-pin or having a spike mark go missing during a show. I don't mean to invalidate or discount anybody's feelings when that happens, I just know that for me, in my life, laughing is well worth my time. But all in all, I have really struggled this week. We had some very late nights, and some very early mornings to take care of this week. Luckily for me, I was fortunate enough to catch some nasty sickness that has been kind of circulating through our tour. I spent most of Tuesday with a fever (I felt) and putting all my energy into making sure I didn't throw up or fall over on stage. Wednesday morning was similiar, and over those two days (esp Wednesday) I was reduced to tears several times in an attempt to keep myself up and going and optimistic.

Which brings me to my next question: When is it ok to be a pessimist? When it it alright to let outside influences get the better of you and effect your happiness? In all honesty, I don't really have an answer to that questions. I don't know if there is a right answer, and in all honesty, I don't even know what my answer is. I know that negative energy can really have an influence on our lives, but when is it alright to let it hit home and accept it? Just thoughts.

So I'm in this show, and its a really fun group of people. For the most part, we all get a long very well. As time passes, we are beginning to see each other's quarks come through a little bit stronger, and we are learning how to balance ourselves with each other. We get on each other's nerve sometimes (I am SURE I do to everybody else) and there haven't been any major blowups. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I have a lot of feelings about this position that I am in in my life and how I am handling it, but again, of that tomorrow.

I haven't read over this blog, and I don't really care to. Most of it is just thoughts; unclean, unclear thoughts that don't connect or make any sense. But as I've said before, I'm not a great writer, and I should have been asleep a while ago.

Shakespeare Festival tour finds 'fun' in Macbeth - Entertainment / Neon - ReviewJournal.com

2011-02-02T22:26:00.000-07:00

So I am in this show. It's a great show. I have lots of things to say about this show.

However, this is a short and simple post, and it is mostly for my benefit because I just want to make sure I keep this little "review" on record. Think what you like: he gave us a B+. *shrugs* Whatevs.

Shakespeare Festival tour finds 'fun' in Macbeth - Entertainment / Neon - ReviewJournal.com

BY ANTHONY DEL VALLE
LAS VEGAS REVIEW-JOURNAL

Posted: Feb. 2, 2011 | 2:05 a.m.

In the program notes for the Utah Shakespeare Festival's touring 75-minute production of "Macbeth" at the College of Southern Nevada, director Christopher Clark writes: "The instant appeal of directing Shakespeare's 'Macbeth' is, for me, the opportunity to stage witches, ghosts, and murder. There's no getting around that! It's a lot of fun, and it's not every day a director gets to play with demonic supernatural forces -- even pretend ones."

Clark's "fun" approach is in happy evidence in just about every scene. He does justice to the dramatic core of the script -- the destruction of a man due to ambition and guilt -- but there's an abounding lightness that isn't usually associated with this tragedy.

The witches who warn Macbeth of what lies ahead are scary-looking creatures, but not devoid of humor. Costumer Scott Anderson has them tower over the action in oversized puppetlike designs that suggest a child's nightmare.

Benjamin Hohman's appropriately simple set -- little more than white cloth, a single drop and the barest of props -- is made magical by Scott Palfreyman's lighting, which uses plenty of delicious shadow imagery. A barrage of sound effects and a single onstage musician (cellist Jennifer Chandler) bring to the fast-moving action a strong sense of melancholy and suspense. Clark wants us to have a good time, and he succeeds without bastardizing the material.

Macbeth (Aaron Gaines) and wife (Kelly Marie Hennessey) are played, in modern dress, like social-climbing yuppies. Clark resists the temptation to make them evil cartoons. The seven cast members are competent actors, capable of suggesting with few strokes the essence of their characters.

The production doesn't have depth. It keeps things pretty much on the surface, and that may bother some. But it's a legitimate vision and a fine starting point in introducing Shakespeare to high-schoolers (which is the stated purpose of the multi-state tour).

Only twice does Clark patronize his young audience. Once, when a character gets a laugh by dropping his trousers (a cheap device that the festival uses in nearly all its touring plays) and, even worse, when the same character delivers a "knock-knock" joke. Clark doesn't need to resort to this nonsense.

I wonder how he would feel if a high-schooler went home thinking Shakespeare was great because he invented "Knock-knock/Who's there?"

Martha Graham

2011-02-01T22:13:00.000-07:00

So I haven't posted in a long time, and I forget that my blog is in this random state of "what is her layout" right now, and I forgot how much I still don't like it. I still haven't had time to really update the happenings in my life, but my buddy Aaron, an aspiring pop singer in LA/Utah posted this on his facebook, and I thought it was too great to let slip by without documenting it somewhere for myself. I hope you find some truth in it, as I have.

A Letter to Agnes DeMille : Martha Graham

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening

that is translated through you into action,

and because there is only one of you in all time,

this expression is unique.

If you block it,

it will never exist through any other medium

and be lost.

The world will not have it.

It is not your business to determine how good it is;

nor how valuable it is;

nor how it compares with other expressions.

It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and directly,

to keep the channel open.

You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.

You have to keep open and aware directly

of the urges that motivate you.

Keep the channel open.

No artist is pleased.

There is no satisfaction whatever at any time.

There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction;

a blessed unrest that keeps us marching

and makes us more alive than the others.

What time is it?

2011-01-25T15:19:00.000-07:00

Its about time that I blog, eh?

Soon enough my friends, soon enough.

Plenty on my mind, plenty in my heart.

Maybe a dash of it will make it to a page.

Soon enough my friends, soon enough.

Life is Beautiful

2010-12-07T13:43:00.000-07:00

I am upset about the current state of my blog. I don't know what happened to it, and I'm having a hard time fixing it. EFF. EMM. ELL.

I'm working again today, can you tell?

I just need to make it to Friday.

Also, I love my life. May I just talk about that for a minute?

Thanks.

It is true: I. LOVE. MY. LIFE.

Sometimes I complain.

Sometimes I cry. But there is still a lot of love for why things happen, how they happen, and when they happen.

I am blessed. I have a great education. I am surrounded by beautiful people ( I am speaking internally, though externally, all are very nice to look at). I have the BEST roommates anybody could ask for.

I have the best of friends anybody could ask for.

Are you jealous of me yet?

You should be.

I have an amazing family. Too much to say.

I have a job that has treated me very well over the last 5 years.

I am drinking hot chocolate right now.

But isn't it strange that, despite all of these beautiful things in our life, it is SO EASY to get down on ourselves for every little thing? My friend Xandra wrote a post I read while I was typing this one, and it begins with this quote: "You self destructive, little girl. Pick yourself up, don't blame the world".

Its as simple as that.

Meh!

2010-12-02T16:16:00.001-07:00

It's like you don't even know me! I've been posting SO much lately! What is this!

But...I just am so excited right now.

I love singing.

I haven't sung in a week or two because of some awesome cold sores that made it impossible for me to open my mouth.

But there is nothing like the feeling I get when I am by myself, singing, bearing my soul. Its different than anything else. Locking myself in a practice studio is just....a blessed, blessed thing. And often times I suck. But that's what practicing is. I have a long way to go, and will forever have a long way to go when it comes to singing. But I love it, its worth it, and I wish I wasn't a pansy around my close friends. Good times.

Secondly, I only have 2 weeks left at my job. I will end this thought here.

I am excited for tonight to see my girls: I love these girls. I can't stand it. THey lift me up every time I see them (which isn't often enough) Not that I need an extreme lifting, but....why not! It has been so fun to watch all of us grow up together. 4 are now married, one with child, one engaged, and 2 close to engagement. Don't worry, still the cat-lady of the group. :) I was going to see a show tonigth, but remembered this dinner date I had, so....sorry "Romeo and Juliet", I will be seeing you Saturday.

Tomorrow evening I get to coach again for Proficiencies, and I am so excited about that. I can't wait! I remember being a freshman and feeling so lost and confused (wait, I'm a "Senior" and I'm lost and confused!) but I can't wait to just help them out and help them grow and be better artists. Huzzah!

I type faster and faster as this blog goes on because I'm feeling giddier and giddier! If the spelling errors increase, you know why.

Have you ever been to the boutique called "Cherry Lane" on University Ave? IF you're female, and you haven't, get your behind in that store because you will walk out a new woman! I tell ya, if I had an endless amount of funds, I'd buy everything in that *swear word* store. WEll, almost everything.

Beatles music make the world turn more smoothly.

I play the Ukulele now. Did you know?

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

2010-12-01T16:51:00.001-07:00

I'm not a very profound writer.

My parents always said I was, and always encouraged me to write more.

But....they're supposed to say that.

However, I do enjoy writing. And I find that sometimes I write when I feel very specific emotions. "said" emotions don't necessarily make me a better writer, or make my words flow flawlessly onto a page, but I am aware that I have emotions....and then I write what zips through my brain. It often doesn't make sense: I guess you could call is "word vomit" (I hate the word 'vomit'). But if there is one thing that I AM good at, its word vomiting.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. And really, life is not a life without mistakes. Sometimes, I am a bit more irrational than is true for my character. And by sometimes, I mean....well, sometimes. But when those times occur, it can be deadly. I think too much, and I think too fast. my thoughts are like a hummingbird's heart beat, just zipping around with nothing to stop them. And fast thinking is a good quality: until you realize you can't slow down. As of late, my thoughts have been running marathon after marathon after marathon, and I would love more than ANYTHING to give them a nice little rest.

Mistakes can be a beautiful thing. Lessons learned from mistakes are lessons (in my life) that I will NEVER forget. But do you think it is possible to make mistakes and learn these lessons without ruining everything in its path? Maybe. Maybe not. Do you think it is possible to make mistakes and learn worthwhile lessons without feeling anything? If we could just....skip the hard part and learn? No. And I don't know if I would have it any other way.

I've always been taught that there needs to be opposition in all things. I know that's true. Not in a "I'm bearing my testimony and I KNOW this is true". Its just simple, and it makes sense. Sadness make happiness THAT much better. BUT! It has not been until VERY recently that I truly BELIEVE that. In my mind, knowing and believing are two COMPLETELY different things. But my mind is different than your mind.

Do you think it is possible to say "I'm sorry" too much?

I used to not think so.

But now, I know so. Sorry means something, and from my experience, too many "unsure sorry's" will eventually invalidate the "BIG SORRY" that you really want to matter. Have you ever felt that way about something? You...do what you can, do what you feel, and then when you hit that point, when you hit that....mountain, when you KNOW that THAT is the time that your "sorry" needs to have an impact, you feel down in the deepest part of your gut that it will never have any value anymore.

So what do you do? I'll tell you: I don't know. I don't know what to do. And if I knew what to do, I'd probably just do it, and then write a book and make some money from it. But I just don't have the answers. But seriously, what do you do? Do you walk away? Do you try to explain and work through it? Do you give up because you feel you're the only wanting to try? Do you...eat chocolate chips?

I don't talk a lot.

Alright, that's a big fat lie.

I have a lot to say. And I do talk a lot.

Just....not when it pertains to my emotions or something that would make me vulnerable.

"Vulnerable"

Why does "vulnerable" ring with such a fearful tone in my head?

What does "being vulnerable" mean?

I'll tell you: It means having that "raw edge" of your life come to the surface for others to study. It means allowing other people to have the power to accept or reject a part of your soul, whether is be....bearing your testimony, or sharing your heart, or in an academic or professional setting. And that is scary to us as human beings: the possibility of rejection on any level that even touches on emotion.

But that vulnerability is what allows the beauty of life and happiness and sadness and love and friendship and growth and joy into our lives. Thats what we are here for: to have joy. So if we are not "having joy", what are we having? What are we doing, and how can we fix it?

Well, that's the million dollar question: How do we have joy? I'll tell you again, I'm not sure. Its different for everybody. Joy comes through trial and error. It comes through patience and hard work. It comes through heartache and pain. Because without THOSE things, the joy would mean nothing.

Along with vulnerability, do you know what humans fear most? And if not humans, do you know what Kelly fears most?

Loneliness.

I have a professor that always tells us (of course, speaking of acting) that once our brain has experienced a new idea or has been stretched to a new capacity, it can never go back, thus encouraging us to keep progressing in our art. Because once we've reached a certain point, why bring anything less than that. I apply that to loneliness. I don't know how to explain it, but maybe you will be able to figure it out.

I don't have a conclusion, I don't have a purpose for this blog. I simply type much faster than I would write in a journal.

How 'bout this weather, eh?

I'm learning to learn.

2010-11-30T15:24:00.000-07:00

I'm learning to learn.

And that's alright.

Because learning takes practice.

Right?

I'm learning how to accept, and I'm learning how to let go.

I'm learning how to take in, and I'm learning how to give back.

I'm learning how to process, and I'm learning how to reciprocate.

I'm learning to learn.

And that feels good.

hello bull cut. nice to see you again

2010-11-11T15:19:00.000-07:00

I found this, and wanted to post it.

That's all.

Two Girls Two Swords

2010-10-26T13:12:00.000-06:00

So....sometimes, I sword fight.

Simma down, its for my major, but secretly, I love it. Don't worry, I don't joust with plungers or fight in parks. But last week, my friend Jace, who is a very talented film-maker, came and filmed myself and my friend doing one of our fights for fun. We had a blast, and are hopefully going to make another one in about a month with a different fight and more planning. Anyway, here it is.

Just wanted to post a picture of me and my awesome roommate

2010-10-07T11:58:00.000-06:00

What goes through my mind in 30 seconds...or so.

2010-09-30T15:55:00.000-06:00

I am at work.

I can't focus.

What else is new.

I am tired of work

I am tired of my job.

I live in Orem.

The fake flowers on my desk look especially fake today.

I've had more water in the last 7 days than in a whole month.

My bladder is confused.

People on BYU campus glare at you when you walk around with a coffee mug, even if it has honey/lemon/water in it.

I went through a whole pack today. Of gum.

Salmon is on sale for 7 dollars at Winco.

I want some.

I've decided to stop attending the dance class I'm auditing: My life became a billion times better.

Korianne and I have fun voice lessons together.

My nose is a lil' stuffy.

Bowling in disco lights makes it so you can't see the balls on the floor so you can't get as many spares.

I am a cat-lady with no cats.

Asian Pot-Luck dinners with actor friends are my favorite.

The show "Hoarders" is amazing.

Chris Clark has a lot of " 'fake' but real fans who pretend to be fake fans but are really real fans" and its cramping my style. (Emily Bell, that comment was for you)

My humidifier is missing a piece, which makes me nervous.

Someday, I will work at the USF.

My shredder almost ate my fingers.

Craft stores relieve my stress.

My bladder is still confused.

I need a new bed cover from Ikea.

I have red cowboy boots on.

Pomegranate-blueberry vinaigrette salad dressing is swell.

Critter is one of my favorite people.

There are CRAZY-POOPERS in the world.

When there is a baby spider, there is a mama spider.

Julie Garbutt talks really fast, and then I smile.

Facebook is not entertaining me today.

My jaw hurts from chewing so much gum so fast.

Weight Watchers is not pointless.

My Asian is in Asia.

Stage Door is going to be a really good show.

I am excited for General Conference

I wonder where I will watch it this weekend.

My home has no TV.

How did that happen.

I love Shakespeare more and more every day.

Tim Threlfall sometimes farts in Church.

He said so.

I've never been on a Cruise.

I need to go on a Cruise.

I need to go on a Cruise within the next 12 months.

If I don't go on a Cruise within the next 12 months, I may die.

The lights in B201 make me dizzy after 5 hours.

I still don't believe I cuddled with Cory Stephens.

My eyes are burning.

Its time for something fattening to eat.

I am off work in 30 minutes.

I have a zit on my face from singing.

No seriously, I really do.

Oops.

My dad is in Cedar City?!

I gotta go.

#10 is the story of my LIFE

2010-09-23T15:07:00.000-06:00

I have this friend Laura ( I think I wrote a blog just about her a while back, maybe 6 months ago?) Anyway, she is always on top of things, and today she sent me this email that I absolutely adore. I would like to just email it to everybody, but instead, I'll just post it here. There are only 20-something items on the list, so it isn't very long, and everything on it is absolute wisdom. :) Enjoy!

Truths For Mature Humans
>
> 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
>computer history if you die.
>
> 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
>you're wrong.
>
> 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
>younger.
>
> 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
>
> 5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
>
> 6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
>
> 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty
>sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
>
> 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
>died.
>
> 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
>
> 10. Bad decisions make good stories.
>
> 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
>you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of
>the day.
>
> 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't
>want to have to restart my collection...again.
>
> 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
>if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did
>not make any changes to.
>
> 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
>answer when they call.
>
> 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
>
> 16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday
>night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
>
> 17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
>
> 18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
>
> 19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just
>nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
>
> 20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to
>prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
>
> 21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and
>you can wear them forever.
>
> 22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
>not know what time it is.
>
> 23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
>in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but
>I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about
>1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
>
>
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used
>in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took
>100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Technology and I are fighting.

2010-09-23T13:10:00.000-06:00

So I have this laptop, and it has ceased to work. For now. My old boss is supposed to help me fix it, but...you know how that goes. We started working on it maybe 4 weeks ago, and there hasn't been progress. Needless to say, not having a laptop, ESPECIALLY during school, has been a bit of a challenge. Luckily, I have a friend who let me borrow his "extra" laptop until I get mine back or a *gulp* new one... I am very grateful for that though.

With that said, I have a printer that has had a paper jam since June. I have cleaned it out, turned it on and off, and it still just reads "Paper Jam". Well, what the heck, what am I supposed to do.

A couple of months ago, the bottom of a drink cup broke in my car and fried my ipod that was underneath it. (This is the REAL reason for this post...). So now I am using my little brother's old Ipod Nano. Which I am also extremely grateful for. I do wish I had a Classic Ipod, with like, 250 GB of space. I don't need an iTouch, or anything like that. I just need an ipod with bigger space. I can only fit so many songs on there (its only 8GB), and when you sing as much as performers do, a larger ipod seems to be a necessity.

ANYWAY--the REAL point of this iPod tangent is that when my old ipod fried, I lost a BUNCH of music that was not on my laptop: songs I just ripped from other laptops straight to my iPod, you get the drill. So I guess I am just thinking about my sorry collection of music that is currently on my ipod.

SO! In my despair, I have made a wish-list of songs/music that I really miss and wish I had access to:

The new Sarah Bareilles CD (THANKS MATT SMITH!)
GLEE: any and all of it. I had the best collection, and now I have....almost nothing. :(
The Soundtrack to Hairspray
Taylor Swift
Soundtracks to movies, GOOD movies
LDS Music (not EFY, not Motab, but a healthy in between. You know the type.
Stephen Speaks
Phantom of the Opera

Wow. I had more in my head, but once I started this list, they disappeared. Anyway, I am most concerned about my GLEE collection. Dear Universe: Help.

Love, Kelly.

NEWBIES

2010-08-27T12:53:00.000-06:00

My roommates are better than your roommates.

No. Seriously.

They are.

I just moved to a new place: I didn't know any of the girls, I didn't know anybody in the area. I moved out of a great ward with a lot of great friends, and I miss them dearly.

Basically, I took a BIG shot in the dark and moved away because I needed to change something in my life.

But guess what.

That shot in the dark turned out to be a pretty great thing.

Its always hard to move into a new place and not know anybody. What if the girl upstairs smokes pot in her closet? What if the girl downstairs doesn't shower or clean her dishes? What if you don't fit in, or don't get a long with them? Oh the terrors of new roommates. Its hard being the "newbie" in the house; everybody already knows each other, and though they all make an effort to make you feel welcome, nobody makes an effort if that makes sense. Nobody is trying to be mean, but everybody has their busy lives and that is kind of the way it goes.

But we all lucked out, because aside from one girl, all of us were the newbies moving in, and because of that, we all clicked RIGHT AWAY.

Actually, if you think about it, its a little bit freaky how much we all like each other. Last night we talked in the kitchen and living room from about 10 pm to 2am. The water was turned off yesterday in our place too so none of us could shower or use the toilets. Needless to say, we may or may not have gone to Macy's once to use the restroom, or we may or may not have found other things to occupy our time. Who really knows though.

A trip to Oregon!

2010-08-26T18:50:00.000-06:00

Since I am such a CONSISTANT blogger, I thought I would just warn you all that my blogging will become considerably less over the next month or two: I start my senior year, I'll be working still, and in another show. So...Huzzah.

The last little bit has been cuh-razy town! I know that it is summer time (or was, school starts monday), but for some reason I have felt more stressed and busy during this last summer than I do during a normal school year. How can that be? I tell you, I don't know. The last two summers I have been at the Playmill, and by the time summer is over, I am pumped for school to start in the fall. I. LOVE. SCHOOL. I really do. But this summer I stayed back and worked and got some summer schooling done. My semester ended two weeks ago, and I hardly feel like its time to go back with a heavier load. I went on two vacations this summer to Oregon and to California, and I still feel so burned out. But such is life, and in April when I graduate (fingers crossed) it will all be worth it... That is, until I decide which grad school I want to go to and when.

Lets see, lets see. So in July, my family went to the Oregon coast for ten days. I couldn't get off work or school for that long, and so I flew out to Oregon for 5 days and met up with my family. We stayed in a Beach House on the Coast with my Grandma Smith, my Aunt Jan and Uncle Bill, and my family. It was really fun. My older brother Sean was even able to come out and stay with us and bring his dogs, which was really lucky. Although I was on vacation, I still had to work from the house and do all of my reading and write all of my papers. IT was so fun being there, but I felt more stressed there than I would have at home. I don't know if you know this, but it is difficult to write papers and do homework when you know you aren't supposed to be doing that on a "vacation". But such is life.

Here are some pictures from our Oregon Trip:

This is my little brother Hootie jumping in the sunset. His first attempt wasn't as cool as this picture.

This is just a taste of how beautiful Oregon really was. This was the harbor we went to to go Deep Sea Fishing.

My cute family at the beach house.

My dad's nickname written in the sand.

We bought some Sport Kite's to fly on the beach. I have never flown a Sport Kite, but it was so fun and it is now one of my favorite things!

We had a sport kite and a normal kite. Hootie got a little competative with the Sport Kite and cut the line of my dad's other kite.

Grandma Smith made the mistake of feeding one Seagull our first day. This is what happened to her the rest of the trip anytime she went outside.

First day at the Beach House: Uncle Bill, Aunt Jan, Grandma Smith, and Mom.

Our Beach House from the Ocean.

Uncle Bill's home in Salem.

A picture I took at the Hippie Festival.

Family game night!

We went Deep Sea Fishing, and Aunt Jan caught this Amazon fish! It was incredible, and so tasty!

On the boat, right before my dad got sea sick....again.

My dad and Uncle Bill were the only ones on the boat that got seasick...AND...they took Dramamine! Uncle Bill was sick the entire time. For those of you who know how bady I hate throwing up, this was just as awful for me as it was for him, because I had to listen to it! But I am not totally heartless, and though I hated it, I felt soooo bad for him. This is him trying to feel better...Didn't work.

Sean was the first one on the boat to catch a fish. Way to go!

Needless to say, we had a great time in Oregon. I love spending time with my family, even though sometimes they don't believe me. :)

We arent impressed.

2010-08-14T20:38:00.000-06:00

so i was having a conversation with somebody yoday and they were asking me where i was going after college and why i was and blah blah blah. I said i was looking at chicago or japan, and he said:

"what the hell are you going to do and japan"

So i shrugged and said: "i dunno, perform for disney"

And before i even finished my sentence, another dude chimed in and said:

"so...are you telling us all this becauae you were trying to impress us? Because we arent"

And i said "no." And finished drinking my drink. In my head, I couldnt help but think "ya know, dont ask me about myself and then insult my answer." And then I couldng help but think of my dear friend Humpty from a month or so ago, and thought to myself "jackass".

Now I think i may have heard an obnoxious "huheh, just kidding" and then a random high five with some other dude, but I was over it.

Please forgive my grammer and spelling on this one, because I just wrote this post on my phone.

Kelly Marie

Mint Oreos and Daisies

my thankful thoughts

new banner....i'm learning

New Years!

Bucket List procrastination

safe

I'm a dragon

Earth Dragons – Years 1928 and 1988

More rooted in the ground, Earth Dragons make better decisions because they act more rationally. (I'm very logical and analytical) Earth Dragons are level-headed and able to control their behaviors. They’re more supportive of others, but they prefer being admired by others. (Probably true!)

N.Y.C.S.U.C.K.A.S

I like sweat pants and rain, in that order.

Zupa's on my mind.

"Escape Artist"

By Their Fruits Ye Shall Know Them

Lists, lists. LISTS. and a Travalo review

"We won't fight unless we're provoked"

I feel...

HOOTIE = Way cooler than I was.

Would you like to help me win a scooter by July First?!

Birth Control

A new Leaf

The light at the end of a dark, dark tunnel.

California 2011

THUMBS UP FOR ROCK AND ROLL!

The MD (No, not the doctor kind)

unfortunately, not endangered.

CHELSIE SHEFLO!

What is my deal?

I don't get it

Rain, Rain, Go AWAY

Just a day

MIDGE.....

****DING DING DING! BUCKET LIST SUCCESS****

Com. Dee. Baby.

Two scoops of crazy...

Phyllis Hennessey

Tangled

The thing about grandparents...

The Bucket List

Things I love about Craigslist

Sometimes I swear.

Blubbering about my Monster

Seven Deadly Sins

Lessons learned at Rusty's

A Picturesque Childhood

The Cougar Den

Rumble Jumble

What a day

Lessons Learned

Um...yes?

Huh

Watch out Motel 6

I have a problem

Vegas Memories

Owls

Happy Birthday to me

Shakespeare Festival tour finds 'fun' in Macbeth - Entertainment / Neon - ReviewJournal.com

Martha Graham

What time is it?

Life is Beautiful

Meh!

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

I'm learning to learn.

hello bull cut. nice to see you again

Two Girls Two Swords

Just wanted to post a picture of me and my awesome roommate

What goes through my mind in 30 seconds...or so.

#10 is the story of my LIFE

Technology and I are fighting.

NEWBIES

A trip to Oregon!

We arent impressed.

DING DING DING! BUCKET LIST SUCCESS