Mint Oreos and Daisies

It was kind of a rough day today.

That's a lie.

It was a good day, with a rough part.

I really hate acting. I mean, I really do hate it. And the problem is that I can't live without it. If I wasn't doing what I'm doing, I can honestly say that I don't think I would be doing anything else. I love it. I hate it. I can't seem to find peace with it, and I won't be happy without it. Today in class I did this scene....blah blah blah....I left class feeling like a complete failure, and ready to punch a few specific people in the face for criticizing my work. Oh please Kelly, grow a pair. But its hard--its hard to get up and give what you have, and be immediately told (nicely and not nicely), that its not good enough. Yet. Will it ever be good enough? Well, I sure hope so. Bu right now its not.

And the thing is, is that that's alright. It's alright to not be perfect, and its alright to fail. But it still sucks, and I wish I were more talented.

That really was the rough part of my day. I went to work after class, and sat around talking to Starla for an hour because we were both just a little too tired to do anything productive. I love my job: my job is so "mental-health" friendly, its the greatest blessing ever.

I finished work and went up to get ready for the show. I love my show. I. Love. It. But its getting increasingly harder to find motivation to put my makeup one. Once I'm ready, I'm excited for the show, but its the "getting ready" part that I dread. I feel like I've been at the theater every night since the beginning of September. Though that claim isn't entirely true, its....almost true. And I'm tired: I'm tired of never being home, I'm tired of not making dinner, I'm tired of always having somewhere to be. I like to think that I still perform well and give it my all, but I will be happy to finish my class, or finish my shift at work, and be able to *gasp* go home! or...*gasp* go see a movie! or *gasp* go on a REAL date!

The show was fine tonight. The audience seemed dead to me, but I was proven wrong when they greeted us in the line--they were deceivingly enthusiastic about how much they loved the show. But if you were to ask me while I was on stage what I thought they thought of the show, I would have told you that they hated it. But I guess they didn't, and that's always nice to know.

I also have this really great boyfriend who brought me dinner because I hadn't eaten, left me a bouquet of daisies in my dressing room, and then bought me surprise groceries while I was at my show because I haven't had money to buy them this month....and....haven't really been eating much because of it. Times are tough, ya know? And when in school full time, and working 14 hours a week for an ungodly hourly rate, it gets tight. I'll skip lunches, or breakfast, or dinners if I have to, and I've been drinking a LOT of water and eating a lot of saltine crackers. Do I enjoy that life? Nah. Do I want to live that way forever? No way. But I'm blessed to have such wonderful friends and family in my life to look after me when it gets tough.

I'm so tired.